WTF Train?

Lindsay Lohan’s New Movie: Mean Girls 2

Coming to a jail near you!

Steve Jobs tells Bill Gates about being sued over the iPhone

Now Boarding

I was at an airport about to board an airplane for a vacation house somewhere. Before I boarded though I needed to pick out the shirts that were mine from a rack that as on the wall. I was being polite and not grabbing, like some were, and I think someone took one of my shirts. I could tell which ones were mine because they were so much larger than the rest. What was that kid going to do with my large shirt anyway?

So I arrived at the house and low and behold Kate (my girlfriend’s best friend) is there. She’s sort of my “host”. But 2 of my ex girlfriends are there too. The most recent one wanted to know how the hell I was invited. She was sort of just shocked and upset I was there. The other one said she was feeling ill because she took too much ibuprofen, but really she drank a whole bottle of liquor because she was upset her aunt died.

Then I realized I had a bunch of stuff with me. A woman’s wallet that belonged to a girl I went to high school with that I barely spoke 3 words to. It had money inside and I was wondering how I had this thing so long, but I was still scared to take the money.

Then I had to quickly pick out an outfit because there was a contest to see who could make the most outrageous dance routine wearing the most outrageous outfit.

Soon after Kate came back from getting cocaine and told me it was going to be $50 / line.

Then I woke up.

Always Bring Tweezers

Myself, Natalie (my little sister), Dad, Grandma (Dad’s Mom), and a lot more unidentified extended family members were in a house together. We were actually in the family room of this house. A bug came in. It was a large bug that looked about the size of a large wasp. Someone panicked and said it was deadly poisonous. I decided to to roll up a magazine and kill the wasp. I was running all over the house both after the wasp and away from the wasp. Then I finally knocked it down to the ground and realized it wasn’t a wasp at all. It was a little plastic version of a small bird, like a humming bird. I carefully extracted the “stinger” that was actually inside of its beak with tweezers I had on hand. Not regular tweezers you might use to pluck hairs, but large tweezers scientist might use in a lab. Once I removed the stinger, which for some reason became the shape of a test tube and was boiling over like dry ice does in water, I poured out the venom into a wide glass bowl.

Immediately after doing so, Grandma walked in and without hesitation put her two fingers inside the bowl dipping her fingers into the venom. I yelled at her asking her why she didn’t just put her fingers inside a vat of hydrochloric acid.

Not long after Dad had the venom on his fingers. My control over this situation was rapidly unraveling. Dad was in severe pain and said that he had “pulled a Boyd”, which incidentally is the name of a guy in my AA classes. Dad felt very remoreseful about his blunder, but that didn’t help me as I wasn’t sure if anyone was going to die from this. I said to him, “well if you die from this, it’s over between us” trying to make light of the situation.

I went to leave the room to call for help when I heard an odd knocking. I went back around the corner I had just turned from to find Natalie making the motion with her hands as if she were chocking. I knew immediately she had come in contact with the venom and had gone into anaphylactic shock. I called very loudly for an EpiPen, but people just kinda stood and looked at me like I was speaking Russian. Natalie was panicing, which I new reduced the oxegyn she had left. I did my best to calm her down and explain that if we didn’t get the medicine in time I would preform an emergency tracheotomy, which would get her breathing again.

Then I woke up.

What A Mess

I just got off the phone and while I was putting my cell phone down, I knocked over a cup of water. Not all of it spilled out so I put it to the side while I cleaned up the mess. I spilled some of it in my keyboard, so I immediately turned that upside down to drain the water. After cleaning up the mess with a towel, I turned the keyboard back over to white the keys off. I got the idea to test if there was any more water between the keys by putting my lips on the keys and sucking to see if any water came up. Nope, no water. What did come up is a bunch of hair and crumbs, which I spit into the towel I used to clean the water. I put my keyboard back and reached down to grab something and knocked over the cup again, spilling out the remainder of the water, this time mostly on the floor.

I laughed hysterically at my list of blunders and reflected on an earlier time in my life where I would just be furious.

What Street?

Me waiting for the bus to get to 22nd street in Pittsburgh. Every bus in the city is passing by, except the one I need. I don’t take the bus often and I’m late, so I’m extra anxious.

The bus I need isn’t coming, so I ask the driver of another bus if he’s going to 22nd street. But I’m nervous and instead I ask this,

At this point I figure the entire bus just heard my ridiculous question and is laughing at me. So instead of realizing I could take this bus to 18th and walk or cab to 22nd, I just say,

The End.

Did you know?

The Earth is so large, it can be seen from space!

Gross

I just found a hair in the salad I made. I’m never eating here again.

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