FunnyAssBlog

Now that you’re aware of it, you’re manually breathing.

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth [...]

10.Sneak furtive glances at the potted hydrangea that is always staring at you in the corner. Give it a wink. It knows it wants it.
9.Take your housemate’s choices off of the Netflix queue. He hasn’t paid his $7.99/mo. share since July, anyway. Asshole.
8.Get that piece of General Tso’s chicken that’s been stuck somewhere between your [...]

Now I can’t generalize about all males out there, so please don’t be offended if you don’t fit into the group I’m about to describe. Okie dokie, let’s have a little chat about skids. Skids? Yes, skids, ya know, the brown residue left in your underwear after busting ass, OR inefficient wiping of the anal [...]

I was thinking about how fortunate I am to have two functional hands. Don’t ask me why, but I realized how much it would suck to have only one hand and just a nub on the other arm. In fact, I would gladly sacrifice motion in my elbow and wrist if I must to ensure [...]

I was just thinking about you today and, well, Num Lock Key, we go back a long ways.
In the beginning, you were an annoyance. A small one, like a young sibling who wants to tag along to a would-be teenage makeout party. Or a malnourished, vegan PETA activist at a Ted Nugent concert. A tiny [...]

Dear Society,
I love gerbils. I had a few while I was a kid and they were the best pets in the world. I’d put them in plastic balls and let them run around the house, I’d put them on the bed and let them run through my t-shirt like a tunnel, and I’d get rid [...]

Its not that you’re bad at giving head. You have the basics down, no teeth, etc. I couldn’t come because of your dog.
I understand it, I have a dog too. The intensity with which he watches us eat dinner is a little unnerving. Im sure by now dogs must instinctively understand that the masters’ food [...]

Yes, you all know me. you may not specifically remember my face because you and your friends were shit faced drunk. I am your Denny’s Waitress. The one you hit on at 3am after the bars closed. I normally work 10pm-6am, friday-tuesday. There are certain types of people I see in my work. If you [...]

I’m looking for an incredibly beautiful girl to share my apartment. Why does my next roommate have to be a gorgeous girl with fantastic funbags? Because I hate my job, that’s why.
I spend everyday dealing with complete cockbites, only to come home and deal with one more cockbite fucktard, and I’m tired of it. For [...]