Public Pooping

Public pooping sucks for guys. We all do it but rarely do we talk about it; until now.

Cheap toilet paper is the number one reason I hate to poop in public, yet it’s for some reason accepted practice for public pooping. I’ll be honest, I like my butt hole. I like that it doesn’t hurt or bleed regularly. I don’t like how wiping with cheap toilet paper makes me wish I would have just not wiped and dealt with the itch. It’s amazing that even in some fortune 500 companies you’ll find five cent rolls of toilet paper in every bathroom. Do you think the CEO of these companies wipes his or her ass with gravel glued to barbed wire? Didn’t think so, but I guess it’s ok for all the people that make the company run to wipe their supple asses with this sandpaper they call humane. Bullshit. Does OSHA do studies on the physical and psychological effects of rubbing an ass raw at the workplace? Well they should.

As with anything, in order to get the job done right you need the right tools. So let’s say you are equipped with a soft supple cotton like feather brush of a top quality toilet paper, there are a few other things you need to learn to avoid.

The never ending wipe is one of my biggest poowrongping pet peeves. You know, when you try to rush a poop and try to wipe? I can always tell I rushed a poop because when I go for the final wipe, there’s always way too much poop on the tissue. It doesn’t matter how many times I try to wipe either. There’s always plenty more where that came from! We all know the general rule of thumb for avoiding an itchy ass; get a clean wipe. Without the clean wipe, you’ll be scratching your ass all day. Sit tight and don’t push too hard. The clean wipe will come, just let it happen.

Public bathrooms are hideous for guys. Some establishments have reasonable facilities, but a guy generally has a snowball’s chance in hell of finding a decent public bathroom. A lot of times you’ll here girls wish they could pee standing up. Well as liberating as peeing standing up may sound, I’d much rather have to sit and pee than, when I have to poop, sit in the urine of the last guy who decided to paint his version of Picaso’s whatever all over the seat. If I carried a janitor’s closet with me I could easily just clean the seat and all would be well; but I don’t. I have to use the pretend ass protection that hangs on the wall above toilets. What are these worthless “seat covers” for? Are they ass stickers? I can’t imagine how this thinner than toilet paper layer of bullshit is going to protect me from anything.

Women always tell men to put the toilet seat down. I’m here to tell women to shut the fuck up. Every time I’m in a public bathroom, the seat is down and full of piss. Thanks girls. If you let us just leave the seat up, guys won’t put it down and other guys piss on it. By the fucking way, if you’re a guy, you shouldn’t be pissing in the stall unless you’re able to ignore your wife, girlfriend, or mom and lift the fucking seat before you take a piss. If you have issue with this, wait in line and pee in the urinal. Girls don’t have this issues with pee on the seat because they always sit on the seat to piss, hence why they always want it down. Well guys always stand to pee and always have bad aim, which leads to a wet ass seat. So for the sake of me not soaking your boys yellow bladder water into my thighs, I’d much rather he leave the seat up. Thanks.

So you’re in the public bathroom stall, you’ve finally found some cleaning supplies or have just balled up some tissue and squirted some soap on it to wipe down the seat. In other words, you’ve successfully found a way to poop in a public place. Congratulations! Many a meeting has been postponed by people who cannot bare to poop in a public place and must go home to “do the deed”. But not you, you’re a man!

The next lesson you need to learn is the courtesy flush. This is a public bathroom, and you’re probably the only person that likes your brand of shit. Trust me, no one is running to the bathroom to smell your ass product, so it would be nice if you did what you could do to minimize the number of guys passing out on the bathroom floor. The second any poop comes out of your hole, flush. Yes I know the water sometimes splashes up on your ass and yes I know it’s cold, but that water helps with wiping and remember it’s for the greater good. All I’m saying is the courtesy flush is greatly appreciated and goes a long way. Some guys have even bought me drinks because I was so courtesy with my flushing. No joke. Well that was a joke, and kinda gay, but there isn’t anything wrong with that.

The next lesson you need to learn about public pooping is that guys don’t knock. I’m not sure if guys are just retarded, but they seem to think if a door doesn’t open, it’s probably just stuck. Never does a locked door trigger the thought that someone, me, is behind the door pooping. If this happens to you, just scream, “hey someone’s in here”, or “yo!”, or my personal favorite (in the deepest voice you can muster) “oh you like that Steve? How about I smear it on your face? Would you like that?”

Tell me that wouldn’t stop someone from opening the door.

Anyway, I think I’ve helped you enough. Pooping in public bathrooms sucks, butt I think with the few helpful hints I’ve provided, your next poop in public will be much more enjoyable.

#1 Dad In The Solar System

Let me tell you a little story about Joshua Mauldin. Early last year Joshua, his wife Eva, and his two month old daughter Ava moved to Galveston, Texas from Arkansas. Joshua and his family had decided to move so he could become a preacher. In fact, Joshua had been quoted as saying that God ordered him to go to Galveston, which makes sense.

When the family arrived in Galveston, they had to get a hotel room before they could move into their new house. One day Joshua and his daughter were in the hotel room while his wife had gone out to get some food. Joshua had been angered by the loveless marriage he was in and decided to do something about it.

The first thing Joshua did to try to fix his marriage was punch his two month old daughter, Ava. He was angry with his marriage and that was the first thing that came to his mind. He felt bad for her and wanted to put her somewhere safe, so he then decided to put Ava in the hotel room safe. This turned out to be a worse idea than the first. She was obviously pissed so he probably felt she needed to “cool off”. That’s when he put her in the refrigerator. At this point, the marriage was still not any better, and Ava was getting cold. Joshua’s last attempt to fix his marriage and simultaneously warm up Ava was to put her in the microwave for about 20 seconds.

After he was done fixing his marriage, he was arrested and charged with injury to a child, causing serious bodily harm. He first told police that Ava was just sunburned. He probably thought it was a good lie because kids that are two months or younger don’t really understand how to properly apply sunscreen. Then Joshua changed his story. He said that he was making coffee in the hotel room and that the hot water spilled on Ava.

Police probably would have believed the story, but since he had changed his story and Ava looked kinda like she had been microwaved for 20 seconds, the police didn’t buy his lie. So Joshua was arrested and charged for the failed attempts to fix his loveless marriage.

Earlier this week Joshua was given his right to a fair trial. The prosecution was seeking the death penalty, but Joshua’s lawyer had a different plan for Joshua’s rehabilitation. The defense first claimed that Joshua was insane and that he should be let go with probation. His lawyer claimed that Joshua needed probation so that he could continue receiving psychiatric treatment. Obviously Joshua and his lawyer share the same set of morals.

Neither the court nor the jury bought Joshua’s or his lawyer’s bullshit defense attempts. Joshua was sentenced to 25 years in prison and a $10,000 fine. Joshua couldn’t be reached for comment, but sources say that his marriage is still loveless.

Sources

• Dad gets 25 years for microwaving baby
• Dad microwaves his baby
• Teen charged with burning baby in microwave

Top 10 Reasons You Don’t Get Laid

This is a list for guys. If you’re a girl and you can’t get laid, the solution to your problems goes way beyond a top 10 list.

1. You’re trying too hard.

The harder you try, the more desperate you’ll look. Don’t do this. If you act like you don’t care, girls will try to get you to care about them.

2. You’re not trying hard enough.

Ok, you took number 1 way too far. You need to get away from the corner of the bar. If you act like you really don’t care, then people will start to believe it. Let me rephrase number 1; you need to act like you care a little bit, then girls will try to get you to care more.

3. You’re being too nice.

Ever hear the saying, “nice guys finish last.” That’s a 50′s saying for “if you’re a pussy, you won’t get pussy.” Makes sense, right? If you’re a pussy, then you probably don’t need any more pussy. Dicks and pussy go together, and girls know this. Don’t be a pussy, be a dick.

4. You’re scared of failure.

Only a pussy is scared of failure. Remember our talk about too much pussy? Same thing here.

5. You’re too drunk.

If you need a gallon of beer to talk to chicks, you probably have issues. Don’t be such a social retard. You need to get over this, there’s no easy way out. Ask one of your cool friends for help. Cool guys are great with social situations, that’s why they’re cool. Do some homework and try out your newly learned skills when you’re sober. No one does anything well when their drunk, so if you can’t do it sober, good fucking luck once you start drinking.

6. You don’t use a wingman.

Wingmen are especially great for guys with low/no self esteem. You need to learn from your wingman, don’t use them as a crutch because they won’t be around forever. Especially if you’re wingman gets laid a lot, your target chick will probably want to bang him and not you. Just use the wingman in the beginning and learn as much as you can. Pay him in beer, he will be happy.

7. You’re ignoring her wing-woman sometimes referred to as the “fat / ugly friend”.

I can’t stress this enough. When girls go out, they go out in packs. The hottest girls in the pack will get the most attention. Don’t be an idiot and walk up directly to the hottest girl in the group. Likewise, don’t walk up to the ugliest girl in the pack either. Girls are dumb, not retarded; they will know what you’re up to. Pick a chick that’s bangable after a few beers. She knows she isn’t as hot as her friend, but she’s so sick and tired of guys walking right past her to talk to the other girls in the pack that she’ll be thrilled that you’re talking to her. The hot girl will always confirm boys with her friends. There’s no fucking way the ugly is going to give you a good review if you walked right by her. You need to give the her the attention because she will be your best chance at convincing the hot one to bang your brains out.

8. You don’t give her space.

If somehow your dumb ass has gotten past the initial stages, you need to reinforce point number 1; you’re not supposed to care. Again, keep number 2 in mind when you’re doing this. It can be as simple as talking to her friends or talking with some guys near by. As long as you’re not focusing 100% on her, she won’t be able to keep her attention off of you.

9. You’re always trying the “one call close”.

Let’s face it, you’re not a professional salesman. Even if you were, the product you’re selling isn’t that great; if it were, you wouldn’t have this issue. Be realistic with your expectations. If you’re having trouble hitting a baseball, would practice by hitting home runs? No. So don’t try taking girls home the first time you meet them. The first step to getting laid is the second meeting/date. After that, it’s pussy town. So try to secure that second date.

10. You’re not yourself.

Don’t be anyone but yourself and have confidence with everything you do. This goes beyond getting laid. If you’re not yourself and you’re not confident, you’ll be very lonely and unsuccessful.

You are so tough

When did you get so tough? Were you born that way? No, I think it was more recent. Was it when you were in high school? No, you were a pimply little punk back then. You were scared out of your mind, you weren’t tough. No it was much more recent.

I think it was it right before you walked in the bar. Some time between when you ate lunch and happy hour? Or was it when you were pre-gaming at your “boys” house? Let me ask you something, when you’re not drinking, and five of your friends aren’t around, are you still as tough?

Yeah I looked at you. It’s probably because you’re laughing and having a good time and I was just seeing what was going on. Maybe you have a really hot girlfriend. Maybe you were just being really fucking loud and I happened to look. Who gives a fuck why I was looking? More importantly, why are you being so tough about it? I’m not allowed to look at you? Since when?

Most people, no matter who they are, will put up a good fight. Especially when threatened, most people will rise to the occasion and will fight for their life. They may not “win”, but unless you’re in a movie, you’re not walking away unscathed. So why act so tough? Why act like you’re going to kick my ass if I look at you wrong? Are you really going to take a chance at me breaking your nose? Do you know that I, or someone that I’m with, won’t break a bottle over your head? Did you think about that? How about weapons, does anyone have a knife or a gun? When you were huffing and puffing about me looking at you, did you ask yourself if you were willing to die? Are you still so tough? Or are you just stupid?

No, you’re not tough. You don’t act like that because you’re tough. You act like that because you’re not. You’re afraid of everything and everyone. I bet some girls even scare you. You act tough because you have to. That’s not tough, that’s pathetic.

So drink your drinks, have a good time, and stop worrying about impressing everyone with your toughness. You’re not that tough and a lot of people know. Not everyone at the bar will be able to see through you, but the important ones will. Especially the most important person, the one that looks at you in the mirror every morning.

So next time you’re at a bar and some guy looks at you, give him a head nod out of respect and stop being such a douche bag.

Public Nose Picking

It’s no secret, you have boogers. I have boogers. We all have boogers. It’s a fact of life. I think it’s buried deep in our genetic code. In fact, there is a booger gene that only has one job, to make sure we have snot. I know you don’t believe me, and that’s because you’re not a geneticist. I know that because, well I don’t know you’re not a geneticist, I’m just assuming because you’re reading this. Back to boogers.

Boogers need to come out. There are many ways to get boogers out, but there is one way that is very efficient and precise, and that’s to pick them out. Yes I’m talking about nose picking. You can act all high and mighty about how you don’t pick your nose, but you know that’s a lie. You pick, and it’s ok. I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to wait until you’re in complete privacy to pick those uncomfortable chunks of dried, sometimes creamy, mucus out of your nostrils. With my trusted technique, you can pick your nose anywhere without being detected.

So you have a booger. A huge booger wedged deep in your nostril and you know how great it’s going to feel to scrape that good for nothing nugget out of your nose. So you realize you need to pick your nose, but you want to make sure no one sees you. The fist step to an undetectable nose pick is to find a good spotter.

The spotter is someone around you that looks like they are really aware of their surroundings. Find someone around you that is the guy that points and laughs at people who fart or pick their nose. You will use this guy as the spotter. As long as the spotter isn’t looking at you, no one will be looking at you. Trust me. It sounds like it won’t work, but that’s because you’re an idiot and I’m a genius. Pick your nose as feverishly as your little heart desires so long as that bully of a spotter doesn’t catch you. If he catches you, you’re done. I mean done; he’ll mark you as a public nose picker for life. Don’t let this happen. If he starts to turn around, just act like you’re scratching your nose. He’ll never even think you’re picking it. If he sees your finger in your nose a little, just act like you’re just scratching the inside a little. Everyone gets an itch or two inside, and it’s ok to scratch it. If you’re caught with your finger up your nose picking a booger, you’ve failed.

Some people find that the spotter is too risky. They aren’t very quick with retracting their finger from the deep recesses of their nostrils and therefore would never even attempt he spotter technique. For those of you who find this to be true I have another, albeit less sophisticated, technique for you to use.

Typically boogers that you want to pick are those that are impossible to dislodge simply with a nose blow into a tissue. If you’re a person that doesn’t have faith in the spotter technique, you need something to help you get rid of those nose boulders. My second technique is called the not exactly nose picking tissue pick.

You may have seen people that pick their nose. You probably made fun of them until they cried. I bet you never made fun of someone who picked their nose with a layer of tissue on their finger. That’s what I thought.

Some people will call this nose picking, but they are retarded, mostly. Picking with a tissue covered finger is completely legit. You can’t do something like this on tv or in the movies, but in a public park with Frisbees and dogs, no sweat. No one will even think twice. Just don’t throw your nose picking tool on the ground.

The not exactly nose picking tissue pick is a very good technique, but some people don’t feel comfortable with this either. Surprisingly there is one last technique that people can use to rid their nose holes of any chewy, stick to your teeth, nose chunks. The last, but not least, booger removal technique is called the reverse pick.

The reverse pick has been around for many years. It is probably the least technical method of nose rock removal, but it’s also arguably the most discrete method. For those of you who are not familiar with this technique have probably witnessed the reverse pick, but just didn’t know it. A lot of people even perform the reverse pick, but don’t even realize it.

The reverse pick is typically used for liquid boogers. Let’s say you’re outside building a perverted snowman in your front yard. You know what I mean, the carrot and coal belong on the face, nowhere else. Anyway, if you’ve been out in the cold for a while, your nose will start to run. What do most people do? They sniff. The sniff is actually synonymous with the reverse pick. While most people are completely ok with sniffing liquid boogers down into their throats, they never think to do this with solid boogers. But believe me, if you sniff long and hard enough you will get that chunky rock out of your nose in no time. Sometimes they are even big enough and moving fast enough to make you cough a little. The coughing means you did it right.

So next time you have a booger, don’t be an idiot and pick your nose and get caught. Use one of my tested and trusted techniques and you’ll be booger and ridicule free in no time.

Going Bald? Here’s how to deal.

I want all you to know that most Men go bald. Yes, I said most. I think the statistic is like 94.3254% of all men go bald. You’re probably saying to yourself, “no way it’s 94.3254%”, but I assure you it is, and I’m going to tell you why.

For a long time now, it’s been customary to hide a shinny balding head. Most men would fail miserably at hiding this inevitable fact of life. From wigs and sprays to creams and plugs men have been trying to hide their balding heads, but all of these treatments looked retarded. Honestly, a spray? I rest my case.

So way back in like 1984 you would be able to spot balding men from a mile away, but today, you almost never see them. That’s why you’re so amazed by the 94.3254%, but it’s true. Most intelligent men have found a little something, a secret if you will, that has allowed them to interact in society without anyone knowing of their male “pattern” baldness. I want to take a second and personally thank the inventor of the most revolutionary invention since the wheel; the big secret I’m about to reveal is the comb over.

I’m not sure where or how it started, but I can’t think of a better way to style your hair to prevent anyone from realizing you’re going bald. Take your average guy losing his hair. Male pattern baldness doesn’t have anything on him so long as he’s sporting a decent comb over. You probably know someone with a comb over. Yes, even you. Comb overs are so slick, stylish, and completely undetectable by modern science you probably work, live, or have sex with someone that has a comb over and don’t even know. I may even have one, I just can’t tell, and neither can you. That’s how slick.

The formula is simple. Six, or so, strands from either of your sideburns grown extra long and folded over the top of your head. That’s all you need for the perfect comb over. Now don’t be a fool and think that gravity will hold it there, because a lot of men make this mistake. Just take some of your wife’s, girlfriend’s, or sister’s hair moose and apply it directly to your comb over for a perfectly flat and shinny finish. Unless it’s all perfectly flat and shinny, you haven’t done it right.

There’s going to be a few idiots in your life that will tell you that your new sporty comb over doesn’t look natural, doesn’t make them horny, or that you should shave or buzz your hair really short. Don’t listen to these retards, they are just jealous of your sweet hair. Not only are they jealous, but they are completely turned on, yes even the guys. These guys only wished they had the ability to grow a kick ass comb over like you do. In life you’ll find two kinds of people, comb over hating fucktards and old men with comb overs. Which are you? Me too.

So if you’re going bald and want to do something about it, don’t even think of shaving or buzzing it off. Just comb one of your sexy sideburns over the top of your head, apply some super stiffing moose, and see how many hot chicks bang your hot ass. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

le coq sportif – super ashe mens shoes; GROOVY!

My Dad’s parents visit about every other month. When they do, they often leave with clothes and other things to take back to their home to donate to their church. The last time I was home, I was helping them carry out all of the stuff to their car. One of the last items in the pile was a blue shoe box. When I looked in the shoe box, I saw a brand new (well not brand new, but never worn) really old ass shoes. I mean really old. I remember my Dad wearing these style shoes when I was young.

Knowing that my Dad and I don’t wear the same size shoe, I knew I wouldn’t be wearing them, but I thought I might be able to make some money off of them. For those of you who have issues with me taking a pair of shoes away from the needy, I want to first point out that the shoes were completely unwearable. They were so old that the rubber had begun to deteriorate. So there was no way any needy person would want them, but I was pretty sure some collector would. And so on eBay they went. Here’s was my auction description. The title of the auction listing was “le coq sportif – super ashe mens shoes; GROOVY!” They sold for $35.24!

(Following is the description of the auction as it was on eBay)

The Bid to End All Bids

You are bidding on a pair of le coq sportif super ashe 10.5 size white/navy/yellow mens shoe. These are so retro, you won’t be able to contain yourself. No it’s not 1986, but these shoes will make you feel like it is. Don’t have a time machine? Don’t know who doc Brown is? What’s a gigawatt? Go back in time with these super ashe shoes. So retro, you’ll think headbands are cool.

How Retro?

You may be wondering, honestly, how retro are these shoes? My response: even more retro than Disco. To give you an idea about how retro these shoes are, I’ve included this picture from a long long time ago.

See how retro? These are wang chung retro. Wanna wang chung tonight? Then get these shoes.

It’s hard to tell from the video, but I’m pretty sure all of these guys are wearing super ashe shoes.

Super Ashe Popularity

The super ashe shoes came on the scene middle to late 1980′s. These shoes were very popular with a wide variety of athletes. Le coq sportif used to be a very popular name in the sport of tennis.

A lesser known sport, footbag, also helped make the super ashe a popular shoe. Super ashes are the shoes that Kenny Shults recommended in the very early 90′s video, “Tricks of the Trade.” For those of you not familiar with Kenny Shults, he is considered by many to be the Father of Freestyle Footbag and the inventor of many of the tricks used today.

For those of you familiar with these shoes and the sport, you should also remember the Nike Avenger, Kaepa 165, and the Nike Wimbledon Court. All very popular shoes among footbag athletes.

About Le coq sportif

Originated in France by Emile Camuset in 1920, Le Coq Sportif had one goal, to produce the most innovative and highest quality sportswear available. Le Coq Sportif soon became one of the most popular sportswear brands worldwide, supplying gear to the Tour de France, several Olympic games, and numerous athletes with their signature look and the performance that comes from superior engineering. Today, Le Coq Sportif embraces the future while still celebrating the classic looks, showcasing some of the greatest athletic looks of the past several decades, and contemporary performance looks that use the latest innovations. Le Coq Sportif, for the pleasure of sport.

Product Condition

These shoes have never been worn. They were purchased and put in a closet where they stayed for many many years. As was mentioned before, these shoes are so retro, you won’t be able to contain yourself. Likewise, these shoes are so retro, the bottoms of these shoes haven’t been able to contain themselves either. In fact, over the years of so much retro, the rubber soles just couldn’t take it; they’ve begun to deteriorate. These shoes are completely unwearable. If you put these on and took one step, you would leave a gooey mess of retro rubber all over your floor. But that shouldn’t stop you. These are super ashe shoes, and no one in their right mind would ever consider ruining these shoes by wearing them. Put them in the air tight NASA space quality chamber of retro goodness they belong in.

Thanks,
Happy Bidding.

Bad Driving or Just Lost?

If there’s one thing on a lot of people’s pet peeve list it would be bad drivers. Sure they are dangerous and can potentially cause accidents, but most people just experience extreme frustration and angst. But you ever stopped to think why a person may suck so bad at driving?

When I see a car that is driving really slow and sort of all over the road, I start to get the rage. WFT??!?? I’m late and I’m pissed and it’s the fault of the person in front of me. Well not really, but that’s how I feel. Then just as I pass the person, I get ready to flip the bird, ; oh, it’s an old lady. Well now I understand. Poor lady probably worries if every day is going to be her last. She doesn’t need me flicking her off and acting like the young always in a rush never experiencing life jerk that I am. So I move on to the next victim.

Experiences like that got me thinking. What if you could tell right away why a driver was sucking all over the road? What if there was some message or sign a person could have on their car as to why so much suck was pouring out of their car? For example, you know that school buses suck. Not only do they drive slow but they stop like every nine feet and they have their own freaking stop sign. I need my own stop sign. But that’s not the point. The point is, you see a bus and you automatically know that you’re going to be a bit delayed and although it won’t be the most pleasurable experience, you don’t get frustrated.

I think there would be a lot less road rage if we could somehow convey why we are driving so bad. For example if you were driving and someone said to you, “I’m driving really slow because I’m looking for a parking spot.” You might think to yourself, “oh, well then that’s why you keep putting your break on.”

See there? Didn’t that feel good. You know they aren’t deliberately trying to piss you off, they’re just trying to park. You can relate to that right? So let them park. Or what if someone was driving along and they say to you, “I’m completely lost and looking for a road.” You’d probably say, “well shit, what road are you looking for? I might be able to help.” What a great response that was. This doesn’t sound anything like road rage, and that’s my point. All you need is some basic information as to why a person is sucking all over the road and your perspective and ultimately your blood pressure changes.

Now there will be times when a person says, “I have no excuse, flip me off and honk.” Then you let them have it. But how often do you really think this happens? Most people have legitimate reasons and many are the same reasons you use when you’re sucking all over the road. Oh yes, whether you want to admit it or not, you suck at driving from time to time. Don’t believe me, ask your mother or spouse. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Told you.

So how are we going to fix this. We know that most road rage comes from misunderstandings. People are sucking all over the road for legitimate reasons and once you know them you may empathize, but even more you may actually offer to help. So how are we going to get these messages across to other drivers?

Enter the electronic see-through message board. These are very similar to the see-through decals you see on the sides of city buses and the back window of the cab of some pickup trucks. If that idea works with a painted image, why can’t it work with small lights?

So you put that puppy in your back window and you now have the power to type any message you want to your fellow commuters. Take for example, “I’m sorry, I’m lost.” That would be a nice message to write. Or how about “I’m looking for parking.” See? Now you know that they aren’t sucking, they’re searching. It all makes sense now and you don’t feel like taking a tire iron to anyone’s head. The world is right again.

Unfortunately I don’t sell these, nor do I know where to get them. But if you read this and can make them, then let me know. Because I’m going to be that guy who uses his to piss others off instead of writing whatever boring messages you people are going to write.

“I’m looking for parking.”…”Well I”m trying to get home, so park somewhere else, ASS.”

MySpace Morons

The people on MySpace are ridiculous.

Congratulations on the new layout, it sucks. Most of the pre-configured layouts I see blow ass. I can’t even figure out what I’m looking at half the time. It’s hard as hell to read anything and no one wants to scroll left and right. Just because the browser can scroll left and right doesn’t mean it should. Are you so important that the regular screen size wasn’t enough for your boring web page? Please. Where are you people getting these lame ass layouts anyway? Do you even look at the layouts before you use them? You’ve seen these clusterfucks of ridiculousness. They have so much stuff on them that you can’t ever find anything reasonable to read or look at and it usually takes fifteen minutes to load. Well done, webmaster.

Most people’s pages are so cluttered, there’s no point. What am I supposed to accomplish on your page? Find out you like shitty pop music and “pretty much like everything”. Yeah, someone actually wrote that. What makes you think anyone cares? You weren’t interesting before MySpace and you’re not interesting now. I can understand if you invented the wheel or something. Then there’s relevance to a MySpace page, but you? Please.

Another great feature of a moron’s MySpace page will usually be an interesting combination of colors. Either these people are really color blind or they must really enjoy giving people seizures. It hurts to even look at some of these pages, let alone read anything. Here’s a pointer; when people have to squint to see your page, you may want to rethink your color scheme. You know, spin the color wheel a few times and see what comes up. A neat rule of thumb you should always remember; pink does not go well with any color that starts with neon, ass.

I love how people are completely unfazed by the idea that potentially (and I stress potentially) millions of visitors will be seeing everything they post, including their idiotic pictures. These profiles are very much like car wrecks. You don’t want to look, but you just can’t help it. Another thing about your god-awful pictures; please stop being so careless with your extra body fat. I have no clue what makes you think we want to see that. There’s a reason why they don’t make sexy shirts in extra-large; and no, the medium doesn’t fit you.

Hey Morons, stop posting random pictures of hot models, celebrities, and athletes. You don’t know them, and they don’t know you. And if they did, they would deny it. You’re not fooling anyone into thinking you’re interesting, sexy, intelligent and/or original. You’re mediocre and you know it. Get your own life.Thank Tom MySpace allows me to prevent your shitty music from playing when I load your shitty page. Playing music as soon as a visitor opens your page is flat out 1996. If I wanted to hear a remix of some crappy rap song (for the umpteenth time) I would have downloaded myself. I don’t care to listen to your favorite song; it’s your favorite song, not mine. In the unlikely event that I do want to hear your favorite crappy song, I’ll hit play. Try going to a bus stop and telling the people standing there how much you like Rihanna’s new song. Better yet, as soon as someone looks at you start singing it. They’ll kick your ass immediately. I would love to see that. No one cares about you or favorite song. Delete your life.

What is with people taking pictures of themselves in the bathroom? If one day you’re feeling really artsy, and decide it would be totally awesome to go to the room, where you usually leave poop, to take a photo of yourself in the mirror, stop and follow these instructions.

1. Fill bathtub with water.
2. Find something you can plug into an electrical socket such as a hair dryer or curling iron and plug it into the wall.
3. Jump into the tub holding the item found in #2.
4. Die

Just because someone’s picture is inside a box called Idiot’s friends doesn’t mean any of them are your real friends, and we know that. The number of friends in your friends section is not a reflection of anything remotely important. I’ll bet the number of friends you have on MySpace is probably inversely proportional to the number of friends you have in real life. Like anyone believes Jenna Jameson is your friend. Are you implying that the Jenna is your real friend, or that the other people in your list are not your real friends? Get a life. It’s probably not even Jenna Jameson. Like she has time to add you to her friend’s list. She is too busy pleasing me.

No I don’t like your page and no I don’t want to be your imaginary friend. I’ve had about enough of these random friend requests. If you aren’t the one of the two friends I have in real life, then don’t request to be my friend on MySpace. I’ve got MySpace friend requests coming out my ass. From who you may wonder? Hot girls who want nothing more than casual guilt free sex? HA. I laugh at the irony. Hell No. These requests are ALWAYS completely off the wall and tremendously unappealing. I hate people’s explanations of why I should be there friend.

Friend Request Reenactment
“High, I’m (loser nobody cares about) and I saw your pictures and your profile and I think you’re a really cool and funny.”

Oh Yeah? And what else? I’m surprised at your uncanny ability to deduce my level of coolness based solely on my page. Even though you are completely right, I doubt you figured this out by looking at my pictures. A picture is worth a thousand words my ass. You don’t know me, and if you did, you would never have requested me to be your friend.

“So maybe you would like to talk some time?”

Talk? Who needs talk? Apparently my pictures are so revealing that we should just jump right to being 40 with 3 kids and a dog, or maybe a cat. I can’t really tell because your pictures suck. What exactly are you trying to do in picture 4? Gross.

“Anyway, catch ya later! Hope to hear from you soon!”

Don’t hold your breath. Better yet; pretend you’re underwater, forever.

People try to be intelligent and argue with me by asking me irrelevant questions.

“If MySpace sucks so much, why is it the most popular website in the world?” –Some idiot

Because MySpace attracts idiots, and most people are idiots, just like you. Keep up the good work, moron.

“If you hate MySpace so much, why do you have a page?” –Another idiot

I never said I hated MySpace. Besides, the main reason people hate MySpace is because of the people on it. So do us all a favor, please delete your MySpace account and go do something meaningful with your life.

1. Goto myspace.com and login, for the last time.
2. Click the Home link (first link on the left under the banner ad at the top).
3. Click Account Settings link.
4. Under Change Account Settings, click the -Cancel Account- link.
5. Click the Cancel My Account button to confirm removal.

You’re doing society a favor and we thank you.

A Religious Conversation

A Conversation between a Man, his Religion, and his Faith.

[Man and Religion are standing mid-stage having a conversation.]

Man: Hey Religion, can I ask you a question?

Religion: Of course.

Man: Where did we all come from?

Religion: Well of course, God.

Religion: Haven’t you read the book?

Man: Well, yeah but I figured there’d be a sequel or a “for dummies” edition. Can you at least tell me how God did it?

Religion: God just did it.

Man: What do you mean? God did it just like that? That doesn’t even make any sense. It’s not exactly believable.

Religion: I see; hold on for one second for me.

[Faith enters stage right]

Religion: Oh look, there’s my friend Faith. You two should have a little talk. I, um, gotta go.

[Religion rushes off stage left.]

Faith: Hello there.

Man: Hi Fail. I understand you might have some answers about where I came from, why I’m here, or what my purpose is?

Faith: Well Religion already explained all of that to you; it’s all in the good book. Haven’t you read it?

Man: Yeah, but I still have some questions. The book is a little confusing. It contradicts itself a few times, some stated events were proven inaccurate or couldn’t be proved at all. . So I’m confused.

Faith: That’s why I’m here.

Man: So you’re going to help me understand?

Faith: Yes.

Man: Ok, so…I guess what I really want is an explanation.

Faith: That’s not possible.

Man: Why?

Faith: Trust me.

Man: Trust you? Trust what? I need an answer. I need to know why I was created. What am I doing here? Do I have a purpose? I know the book is said to have answers to some of these questions, but I don’t understand them. What I really want is some proof!

Faith: Trust me.

Man: TRUST WHAT? You’ve given me nothing! You afforded no true explanation. Even when I told my friends I had the new Xbox 360 they didn’t believe me until I actually proved it to them and let them play it. At least give me that!

Faith: Your understanding is not a requisite of belief. You need no explanation, you need to just believe.

Man: So I’m supposed to just ‘believe’ you without any proof or explanation AT ALL?

Faith: Now you’re getting it.

Man: That doesn’t make any sense!

Faith: No, not to you; you’re a Man. You don’t have the power to understand. Only those of holy status can understand the true meaning of what, where, why, and how.

Man: So you have this thing called Religion. It explains where I came from, how things started, and where I’m going; pretty vaguely I might add (at least from a logical point of view). Understandably, people will want something to hold on to, to grasp, and to hold tight. They’ll want to know definitively that they’re not crazy for believing in this ‘Religion’. They’ll want something that they can tell their friends about and their friends won’t demand proof or deny its existence. And what you’re telling me now is that this proof I seek is you? You’re the answer? The only thing you can offer is for me to just trust you? That’s it? To have ‘faith’?

Faith: Exactly.

Man: HOLY SHIT.

Faith: Something like that.

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