Weightlifters
on March 7, 2008 in Life's Annoyances
Weightlifters Rule, Everyone Else Doesn’t.
According to the Men’s Health article “The Greatest Workout Known To Man” weightlifters (aka Olympic weightlifters) put every other type of lifter to shame.
Olympic Weightlifter Facts (from the article)
- Best overall athletes
- Highest average vertical jump (of any sport)
- They have only two lifts (snatch, clean ‘n jerk). Both kick ass.
- They are lean, and aesthetically pleasing. They don’t have big fat bellys like their cousins, the “power lifters”. Those fat asses.
- They can easily lift me over their head; which would be amazing to see, and experience.
- They kick major ass. (I added this because I think the author of the article forgot it, but I’m not sure how you can ever forget this fact.)
Pretty cool huh? Yeah, I thought so too. Here’s something else I didn’t know. According to some website I found, there are four types of lifters:
- Weight Trainers
- Body Builders
- Power Lifters
- Weightlifters (aka Olympic Weightlifters)
That being said, here’s my personalized descriptions of each group:
Weight Trainers
This group makes up the majority of the sloth that you’ll find in any local gym. These people are generally a bunch of ass grabbing wannabes who spend most of their time in front of the mirror hogging the 65 lb dumb bells. I’ve never seen one person do so many variations of the bicep curl. P.S. listen you morons, there are other lifts, and muscles for that matter. Too bad the mirror doesn’t go all the way down. Then you would realize that having biceps bigger than your thighs doesn’t so look good. But who ever said you had taste in what looks good?
Body Builders
The male version of a beauty queen. These guys are about three minutes away from the evening wear event in a beauty competition. Seriously. Have you ever seen these guys in the gym? They’re worse than weight trainers when it comes to that mirror. Why is there a mirror anyway? I guess so people can pay close attention to their bulk as they perform 90% of their lifts incorrectly. Anyway, body builders are just bulky metros. And we all know a metro is just a homosexual that hasn’t come out of the closet yet. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Power Lifters
The first thing that comes to mind is absurdly large men lifting absurdly heavy weights. And by absurdly, I mean I wouldn’t want to look like these guys. If they didn’t wear cut off shirts that said, “I bench 1,000 lbs” we would have no clue these guys could lift anything more than a nacho to their fat faces. I think these guys find power lifting rewarding only when they have other power lifter buddies around to talk about how much weight they can push around. Oh yeah? Well why don’t you start using some of that muscle for good? You say you can squat a house? Go plow a field you mule. Oh you say that you can’t even run a mile without fainting? Yeah, that’s what I thought. You’re worthless.
Weightlifters
This is the only group you should even consider associating with. Not only do they have the ability to lift huge amounts of weight, their bodies are actually aesthetically pleasing. And since we’re talking about the Olympics, we’re also talking about (for the most part) enhancement free human beings. No steroids here boys. You can eat as many pills as you want or stab yourself in the ass; you’re still going to be second rate to these athletes.
These guys can jump higher than your average basketball player. Move over Mugsy Bogues, you don’t have anything on these cats. These guys can lift you and two of your buddies over their head. How about that for kick ass? It’s amazing we don’t hear more about these guys. All I ever hear is Mr. Universe this and Mr. Universe that and the occasional tow-truck driving power lifter who benches over 1,000 lbs. (No offense to tow-truck drivers.) So I think everyone who goes to a gym should only lift Olympic lifts. No more mirror muscle workouts. The days of flexing your bulky biceps atop your twig like legs should be long forgotten. No more bench workouts 4 times a week. No one cares that you can move all that weight from your fat belly to the end of your arm. How far is that anyway; 7 inches? Nice work. Try putting half that weight over your head. It’s time for the real athletes to move in and start their ass kickery.
So next time you go to the gym be observant. Look around and see if you can spot anyone from the groups I’ve described. Heck, you may even have a moment of clarity and self realization when you find out you should quit what you’re doing and be a real man. Be a weightlifter.
AIM Profile Junkies
on March 5, 2008 in Life's Annoyances, Popular Culture
AIM Profile Junkies!!! THIS IS FOR YOU. Your AIM profile may include some of the things below. Luckily you have the ability to delete them, but you probably wont.
Quotes
Yeah they said it both first and best, but unless you did something more than just copy and paste it to your AIM profile, you missed the point.
“Some really long obscure passage, you neither understand nor truly believe in.” -From someone you know nothing about.
Picture Links
I actually like these, so you can keep them.
Don’t post copies of previous conversations you’ve had online. This is a great example of situations where “you just had to be there”. Basically, we don’t get it, so don’t bother.
Dark text and dark highlighting or light text and light highlighting don’t go work well together. If you can’t read it, neither can we.
| Fucking | Idiots |
Since we‘re on the topic of color, try to lay off the multicolored seizure inducing paragraphs...k? Thanks.
If you decide to do something cool like this, I guess I‘ll let it slide. But only on Christmas. Or some other holiday with colors.
Like Halloween. BOOOO SCARRYYY!!!!
BY ThE WaY, rAnDoM UsE Of cApItAl lEtTeRs dOeSn’t mAkE YoU CoOl. DOn’t dO ThIs.
Are you kidding? You didn’t understand them in 10th grade English class, what would make us think you understand them now. Do you think you’re fooling anyone now? (other than yourself)
TALK CALMLY LIKE A DUSTY SIDEWALK.
THE DEAD FLOWER QUICKLY GETS THE CORNER.
FAITH IS A RAINY RAIN.
WTF?
Honestly, do we need this many?
Come on. You have time to put it in your profile in the 1st place, and now you’re acting like you never even go on. Idiot, I know you’re online. That’s how I can see you profile. Don’t act like you can’t update it. You’re just lazy.
MySpace Advice
on March 3, 2008 in Life's Annoyances, Popular Culture
Here’s a little advice from what I’ve learned so far on MySpace.
Don’t put any bad pictures up. Why? Just take a look: Stupid Haircut Awards
See what I mean?
I’m sure there are more websites like this. Probably other categories and cool awards you can win (not that you really win) but I digress…and continue.
You’re going to have to fend off a lot of fat ugly chicks/guys trying to ask for your approval to be in your friends list. Just press the disapprove button. Believe me, they won’t bother you anymore.
Moreover, there’s a little something I remember from AOL when it first came out…chat rooms. Now, if there’s one thing I recall from chat rooms; it’s the dirty 40-year-old men hiding behind a cute screen name typing sexy messages to you. Really sexy. You know? Getting you all hot and excited.
Chat Room Reenactment
Cuttie95: Want to cyber you big stud? <3 <3
Cuttie95: How about a little of this? (. | .)
MeTheIdiot: Hell yeah I do, you’re so hot.
MeTheIdiot: Want some of this? 8====>
Meanwhile I had no clue if s/he was hot, but they sure seemed young and tender. Show me a man that can turn down text titties, and I show you the true weirdo. Same with MySpace, but it’s a little trickier now. The 40-year-old dirties have a huge advantage over us…pictures. Not pictures of their greasy bald spots, but of hot young Asians who WANT TO MEET YOU. Don’t fall for this! This is also a trick.
Anyway, I hope I’ve helped you out a little and made your transition into the new world of MySpace a little easier.