Enjoying Coffee At Starbucks

Yesterday I was inside of a Starbucks in Washington, DC enjoying a coffee. I was sitting on a stool facing the front window where I could see people outside. There was a gentleman who was sitting in a chair directly outside the window I was facing. He didn’t have any coffee but for some reason he had one of his arms inside of his shirt and the other was pulling his shirt away from his stomach like he was hiding something underneath. It wasn’t until I was a few sips into my orange mocha frappuccino when I realized why. It only took about 1.639 seconds for me to whip out my camera phone to capture the essence of self-abuse outside Starbucks.

Daddy’s Little Girl

Recently, the world learned of a cute little couple that go by the name John and Jenny Deaves. These two pictured below, are not only lovers and proud parents of a beautiful little girl, but John and Jenny also have a much closer bond. John is Jenny’s biological father. As Paris Hilton would say, “That’s Hot.”

You might be quite surprised, as was I, to learn that society hasn’t accepted this little gem of a family. It’s 2008 and society is still as prejudice as ever. Will there ever be a day a daughter can get some sweet lovin from her own father, and NOT have people look at her weird?

Sure John and Jenny’s first attempt at a child resulted in something resembling Jeff Goldblum in the movie The Fly:

But can you say with confidence that we shouldn’t let dads and daughters have sex and have more daughters? Procreation folks, that’s what were talking about.

I can’t wait for the day women have the same rights as men, blacks are finally recognized as unequal because of their extra bone/ligament/fast twitch fibers, and daughters and fathers can bang legally. It’s all a matter of time.

Arm Swing Challenged

It’s getting warmer outside. When that happens, not only does Al Gore throw a hissy fit, but you’ll see a lot more people outside, especially people jogging. The funny thing about jogging is, well there are a lot of funny things about jogging; but I just realized one today.

When you see someone jog, you can tell instantly if they are in good shape, have a bad knee, and you can even tell their experience level. However, there is one style of running that I noticed today that completely confused my judgment. Something I think should be named the “I don’t move my arms at all when I run” run.

You’ve seen it, hell there has even been an episode on Seinfeld about this. Moving your arms when you walk or run is as natural as wiping after you poop, so it’s amazing to see someone who doesn’t; moving their arms that is.

I saw a guy today who looked very athletic, but for one reason or another he didn’t move his arms when he ran. I couldn’t stop starring. Had I not been driving in the opposite direction, I’m sure I would have followed him all around the city, just to watch his arms, not move.

Throughout the day I started to notice people and how much or little they moved their arms when they walked. I even saw a few people, seemingly purposefully, not moving their arms at all when they walked. I can’t believe I never noticed this before.

I’ve always been a huge fan of people watching, but I’ve never picked up on this, nor have I seen so much. I’ll tell you, I hope I see more arm swing challenged runners and pedestrians. They are fascinating and well worth a stare.

Preventing Violent Videos

You may have heard of the recent story about a teen in Florida that was attacked by some other teens who video taped the incident. If you didn’t hear about it, then you shouldn’t lay under rocks. Salamanders live under rocks and some of them are slimy.

Local authorities in the town where the video taped beat down occurred are calling for sites like MySpace and YouTube to stop allowing users to post such videos. I don’t think this is the correct solution.

MySpace didn’t have sex and pop out a durranged kid that beats other kids up and video tapes the carnage. YouTube didn’t have a natural birth in the upstairs’ bathroom of its two story house to a kid who would later terrorize the life of a poor girl. The parents of these maniac kids are the result of these maniac kids, not YouTube and MySpace.

Here’s my general rule of thumb when dealing with kids. RULE: Take responsibility for them, because they are yours.

See what I did there? I blamed you, the parent. You’re the one to blame. If your kid is a fucktard that thinks it’s ok to beat other people up, then they should be locked up; either by you or the authorities. It’s your choice. But I think if you wait until its too late, you’re partially at fault. Don’t tell me one day your kid was reading the encylopedia and going to to bed early and the next day she’s at a friends house making violent videos of herself and her deranged friends beating up the local retard girl. That’s not right.

In closing, you’re a bad parent. YouTube isn’t your problem, MySpace isn’t your problem, you are your problem. Take responsibility for your bullshit kids or suffer the consequences.

Get Your Phone Fixed

Why are you talking so loud on you cell phone? If you have to yell on your cell phone for someone to hear you, you might want to get that checked out. It’s 2008, we humans don’t have to yell to communicate anymore. First of all, it’s a $200 phone and you’re probably paying at least $50 per month for the service. Why still so loud? I didn’t have to talk nearly that loud in 1996 when I used my fisher price walkie talkies while playing army commando. But here it’s 2008 and you’re yelling in my ear about your unimportant bullshit; you completely ruin the fun of eavesdropping.

Don’t think you do this? Have you ever been blabbing on your phone and then lowered your voice to speak to the person next to you? Yeah, that ain’t right. Forget how far the person on the phone is from you and remember you’re talking on a $200 device that makes you sound louder and more clear than the people around you. It’s technology; embrace it, and stop yelling into your phone.

Why You’re Fat

Ok before you get all pissy, I’m not making fun of fat people. That would be too easy. I’m not even saying there’s anything wrong with being fat, although we all know the truth. Hell, I’m not even here to debate the definition of “fat”. Although, if the words “wiggle” or “jiggle” describe any part of your body, then you’re definitely fat.

No, I won’t do that. All I’m going to do is tell you if you’re looking for a fix to being fat, you’ve found one. I’m going to teach you how not to be fat. Fatty.

Get fit programs are equivalent to that dorky guy you’ve seen on tv that has the question marks all over his suit; retarded. There is no secret, there is no pill, and there is certainly nothing “quick” about getting in shape.

You’re fat because you eat more food than your body uses; it’s that simple. You don’t have a thyroid problem, you have an eating more than you need to, problem. Obesity isn’t a disease that runs in your family. You’re all obese because no one in your family runs. Big bones? What are you a mutant? You have the same size bones as everyone else, you just have more fat; probably a lot more.

It’s not the media or society’s fault that fat people aren’t glamorized. Why would you glamorize someone that is unhealthy? There’s nothing glamorous about being fat. Only fat people think or say these things. Well, also some skinny people with fat family or friends, but their lying. Liars.

If you’re currently on a weight loss program, you need to ask yourself a question. Does your program have anything to do with decreasing or adjusting your food intake and increasing your physical activity? If yes, then it will probably work, if no, then you are retarded.

Ok, do me a favor. Say this out loud: “Calories In, Calories Out”.

I hope you said that out loud near someone. I bet it sounded pretty funny coming from you. Sorry, but you know it’s true. Just enjoy the humor.

Anyway, do you understand? If you eat more than your body uses, you’ll be fat. How hard is that to understand? Here are your choices:

1. Eat less or “better”,
2. Increase your physical activity,
3. or Both.

By physical activity I mean like sweating and stuff. You remember sweating right? Sometimes it happens when you eat really hot food, or when you run outside, where there’s light, and other people. You know?

The point is, you’re fat because of you, and only you can fix this. So start now by going here: FITDAY.com. It’s a website that will help you figure out how much you should be eating in order to lose weight. There are a lot of websites out there that will help you figure this out, so feel free to use another one. Or feel free to eat another pint of ice cream, I don’t care. Just stop making excuses.