Selling Furniture Online (Tips)

1. You had it made custom? Fantastic. But remember it was custom made for your dreams, not mine.
2. You paid $10,000 for your sofa? If I was even considering a $5000 “half off” used designer sofa, would I be online looking for it? No. If I was going to drop $5K on a sofa, I’d want a fresh one.
3. You are not doing me a favor by selling me anything. I am doing you a favor by purchasing your used goods. If I get a good deal and I actually like it, we’re doing one another a favor.
4. I don’t care how much you capitalize TRUST ME I KNOW – I do not belive you “know quality furniture and this is a great piece.” I don’t care. I’m online because I want a cheap couch that doesn’t smell and won’t embarass me.
5. You want me to come over pay you, then wait till your move out date to pick up the furniture? F- You. Someone actually wouldn’t take their asking price because I wanted to come get the furniture the day I saw it online. Don’t post until you’re ready to part with it.
6. Photos, people. Even if you don’t have a digital camera, you live in the Bay Area and I guarantee you know someone who does. Borrow it. Furniture with photos sells so much faster.
7. That “beautiful solid oak dining suite?” with the white and oak chairs and “hand lathed legs” Yeah, that’s from Ikea and it’s 149 for the set there, not 500 OBO.
8. How nice something is “like Pottery Barn”. Just because Busvans is closed doesn’t mean we don’t remember their stuff looked the same and cost half. Don’t make a profit on a 3 year old sofa. That makes you a creep. And you’ll be the one complaining becuase someone didn’t show up to look at your no photo poorly descibed overpriced sofa.
9. Again I repeat – people who are looking for swanky stuff that’s NOT actual Eames (not eames like or eames era) or other concrete collectible furniture are NOT shopping online. Sell me a couch for 400 or less, chairs are 250 or less, if you’re willing to deliver, I can see paying a touch extra.
10. Futons really need to be out of furniture and in their own separate category. Futons do nothing but muck up these listings.

TOP TEN REASONS YOU CAN’T GET LAID

TOP TEN REASONS WHY YOU CAN’T GET LAID

10. YOU’RE LAZY. You’d rather sit on your ass in front of the computer or television than actually go out and try to meet someone. You expect women to magically appear at your door the moment you get a hard-on. You want sex, but you don’t want to work for it. You don’t even want to have to change clothes after you fuck. Get off your ass if you want things to change or shut the hell up.

9. YOUR STANDARDS AND EXPECTATIONS ARE RIDICULOUS. You want to fuck a porn starlet or sex goddess, not a real woman. You expect us to have a perfect body and always be ready to fuck. Your ideal woman is some ridiculous image that the media and porn industry has brainwashed you to believe is desirable. You think of women in terms of parts, not the whole. You forget that there’s a human being there. How can we possibly want to make love to you when you don’t even think of us as person? The sad truth is, you’re so horny you’d probably fuck anything in a skirt. But because you don’t have the brainpower to think for yourself, you don’t recognize a real woman when she’s RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. Helloooooooooo? Anybody in there?

8. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE GRACEFULLY. We expect you to make the first move: to ask us out, to kiss us, to make a pass, and to initiate sex. Right or wrong, you’ve got to deal with it. If you’re not getting any, you haven’t finessed the art of the gentle come-on. We can’t read your minds so don’t expect us to appear at your door ready for sex. And lose those lame come-on lines. They never work. Do you really think that any self-respecting woman reading an ad that basically says, “Let me fuck you and toss you aside” would pick you? Get real.

7. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO PACKAGE YOURSELF. Face it, first impressions are made within the first 30 second of visual contact. If you don’t make yourself appealing to the opposite sex, why the hell should we fuck you? You don’t dress well and your hygiene leaves much to be desired. We spend HOURS making ourselves look beautiful. You show up for a date sweaty from basketball practice, unshaven, wearing a wrinkled T-shirt, torn jeans, and want to jump right into the sack. I don’t think so, stud. When’s the last time you took a BATH, beefcakes?

6. YOU ARE BORING, BORING, BORING! You have nothing interesting to say besides “Let’s fuck.” You forget that the sexiest organ in the whole human body is the brain. You talk about yourself and don’t ask anything about us. Do you think we really want to hear how good your golf game is? Honey, we’re just being polite while we mentally think “Next!” Broaden your horizons, babe. The sexiest men I have ever known stimulated my mind as well as my body. Read something besides Sports Illustrated, for Chrissakes.

5. YOU HAVE NO PATIENCE. You expect a woman to leap into the sack with you immediately, on the first date. You are a child of the internet age, expect instant gratification, and have the attention span of a millisecond. You do not understand that planning, perseverance and persistence are what lead to success. It takes time to build up passion, and you have no patience. Good things come to those who wait. If you want instant gratification, call a hooker or pop a porn video in the VCR and make friends with your right hand. But don’t blame us if you can only come and go in less than a minute.

4. YOU’RE NOT NICE. You don’t treat women with respect. You’re a closet misogynist or psychopath bent on hurting us. You expect every woman to spread her legs wide open for you. You don’t want to know us, not really. You just want to fuck us and discard us. You won’t call us afterwards, even though you say you will. You forget we have feelings. You’re mean, selfish, crazy, vain, or just fucking NUTS. Get lost, loser.

3. YOU DON’T LISTEN TO US AT ALL. You are psychologically incapable of understanding the word “No”. You don’t hear us when we tell you our hopes and dreams. You stare at our cleavage when we tell you about our lives. You don’t pay attention to us when we are trying to tell you something important, something that might actually get you extra points in the relationship game. You don’t listen when we say we love you and need you. And you wonder why we ignore you when you try to hit on us? Get a clue.

2. YOU HAVE NO CLUE HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN IN BED. You SAY you love to give oral sex, and that a woman’s pleasure matters most to you, but your actions show you only want to “stick and move.” Ladies, how many times have you heard men say that they love oral sex only to have a guy make a drive by lick before he penetrates? Guys, we know the truth about you. We tell our girlfriends everything. Word about you is already on the street and spreading fast. Feel paranoid? You should. Our network is bigger than the internet.

And the number one reason why you can’t get laid:

1. YOU JUST DON’T GET IT. You haven’t a clue. You don’t understand women and don’t even want to try. You’d rather be bitter, misogynistic, lazy, sloppy, smelly, frustrated, selfish, mean, vain, crazy or just plain stupid than make an honest-to-God, real-live attempt to connect with the opposite sex. Enjoy your porn movies because that’s the only naked woman you are ever going to see.

My erection

What happened, buddy? You’ve never let me down before. It’s not like I’m old enough for erectile dysfunction. I don’t think that’s the problem. I’m only 30, for chrissakes! So why, oh where, did you go?

Just last night, you skipped out of the bedroom, leaving me lying there feeling ridiculous and superfluous. Why, oh where, have you gone to?

You came back this very morn, unafraid of the consequences that your return might bring. There was nothing I could do for you then, it was too little, too late. (No, that’s not what I mean). Why, or when, did you sneak back in?

Last weekend, you hurried through the job, and rushed out the door. How was I to account for your behavior then? What am I supposed to say or do to make up for your irresponsible behavior? Why, oh where, is it you run to?

Please come back for real this time — you know where to find me.

Pooping @ Work (a survival guide)

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: Seldom-used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Communicating with girls explained

Whichever method of communication a guy uses most should tell you everything you need to know.

if you call her at work, you’re dating.
if you IM her at work, you want to be dating
if you call her cell phone, she’s dating other guys.
if you call her home number, she wants you to come over.
if you send a fax, she’s your boss.
if you send her an email, you want something long term.
if you send her a friendster email, you’re just testing the waters.

and if you communicate with her at all using any of the above methods, you want to sleep with her.

3 of men’s desires

1. A jet pack. Any man born in the 20th century knows that jet packs were to be the preferred form of transportation as the year 2000 approached. They were promised to us by TV, radio and comic books. But the millennium has come and gone and alas we have no jet pack to shuttle us back and forth to our laser gun shooting galleries and autonomous robot boxing matches. If technology can store 5,000 songs in a machine the size of a pack of cigarettes why can’t it propel me through the air at 120 mph?
2. A 1970s undercover cop persona. Every man wishes he had a John Shaft afro or styled perfectly hair helmet al’a David Soul and a cool leather car coat. We all wish that we could jump through the second-story window of a warehouse with guns blazing just as the building explodes and is engulfed in flame. Every man would love like to drive to the other side of town, slide across the hood of our 1976, black Ford Torino and shake down a junkie pimp named “Snookie” for information.
3. A monkey. Not necessarily a pet or helper monkey, just a monkey (perhaps with a jet pack of his own). I don’t know why, we all just want one.

Psychotic Girlfriend Breakup Service

Do you have a psychotic girlfriend with whom you need to break up? Afraid to take that first difficult step? Concerned that she might freak out, break valuable objects, steal your cat, or kick your dog? Dreading that pre-wailing drama ridden pause following those five terrible words, “I want to break up.” Well, have no fear friends because I have a service for you.

For $50 and a 6-pack of beer, I will break up with your psychotic girlfriend for you. That’s right. For a limited time, this break up service is offered at the low, low introductory price of $50 and a 6-pack of beer. No contracts, no commitments, no hassles.

Choose from the following list of Excuses, Conciliatory Offers or Wounding Proclamations, and Parting Lines.

• Excuses (includes old standards and blunt assertions)
  • It’s not you; it’s me.
  • I’m just not ready for a commitment right now.
  • You are psychotic and driving me insane.
  • Since being with you, I’ve discovered that I’m really straight.

• Conciliatory Offers or Wounding Proclamations
  • You are the only woman I ever really loved.
  • I never really loved you.
  • You are the best lover I ever had. You gave me orgasmic pleasure beyond anything I have ever known.
  • You are the worst lover I ever had. I faked it every time.

• Parting Lines
  • I’d like to stay friends.
  • I want you to keep our collection of trucker hats.
  • Don’t call me; I’ll call you.
  • I’m having my name legally changed and moving to a foreign country. Don’t follow me.

Or create your own break up speech for a more personal touch. Tell her how much you want to break up with her in your own words.

Take advantage of our 2-for-1 Tuesday and Buy-10-Get-1-Free offers.

Break up with that not-so-special someone today!

Psychotic Girlfriend Break Up Service, Inc. is not responsible for and not limited to the following actions taken by stated psychotic girlfriend: setting fire to personal possessions (including but not limited to trucker hats), destruction of anything signed by Melissa Etheridge, The Indigo Girls, Melissa Ferrick, etc., theft of items jointly purchased at Ikea, Crate & Barrel, and/or Pottery Barn. Personal break up speeches may be no more than three minutes in length. A pack of cigarettes surcharge will be added to final fee.

Please, just hold me…

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.” I said, “WHAT?!” So she says the words that I and every other husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I’m not in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I’m thinking, “What was her first clue?” I finally realized nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

The next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three. She then tells me she needs matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say, “OK.”

And then we go to the Jewelry department, where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you – she was so excited! She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn’t even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her it was OK.

She was sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, “I’m ready to go, let’s go to the cash register.” I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No, honey. I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.”

You should have seen her face – it went completely blank. Then I said, “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.” Just when she had a look like she was going to kill me, I added, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man.”

How to Piss Off Your Neighbors

It seems no matter where you move, there is at least one neighbor that can’t stay out of your business. They constantly complain, and do everything in their power to make your life a little tougher. Time for you to return the favor. When it comes to pissing off your neighbors, there a few things you can do that can really cause the most annoyance with the least amount of effort. Follow along and pick and choose your favorites.

Get things done around the house

One of the easier ways to piss the neighbors off is by simply doing chores outside your house. If the lawn needs mowing, take the initiative to start it real early in the morning.
Wait until the nosey neighbors are peacefully sleeping, and remember to go over the spots closest to their house. It allows you to wake them up without really giving them anything to complain about. You have to get your work done, it’s just too bad it’s not a good time for them.

Time to get extra friendly

So how does being nice piss them off you ask? Allow me to explain. Flirting with your neighbors is a great way to start a fight, and get them extremely irate. Just take the time each day to act flirty and friendly with on member of the family. The parents only, for those that need to be told. By doing this little covert move, you can get them pissed at you, and start fights between them. It becomes a double whammy.

When nature calls.

Man’s best friend can become a huge ally in your attack on your neighbors. Use your canine to cause as much trouble as possible. Take him walking on their lawn when they aren’t there to stop you. Make sure to let old scrappy finish his business in the walking path if possible, leading to the best possible scenario. If you have a neighbor scraping his foot as he walks up to your door to complain, you found a golden spot, keep it up.

Summer is here, possibilities grow

When summer arrives, there are multiple opportunities that open up. One such choice that can really piss those people off is.. Covert missions to destroy their lawn. Start with the classic destruction of their hose. Go ahead and poke holes throughout the hose, making sure that a simple rag won’t cover it and allow them to get by. Destroy a few hoses and see how quickly they start to crumble. The next steps might get you in trouble, so work at your own risk. If they have in-ground sprinklers, take the initiative to super glue those bad boys down. It normally takes people a while to even notice their sprinkler heads are stuck, and can in the mean time leave their lawn dead or dieing.

So what is left to do? All out war..

Time to do all the childish things left in your arsenal. Get out there and be creative. Lube up their door handles. Ice down their driveway in the winter time. Wake up early and sabotage their cars with bananas in the exhaust. Check your cars engine early in the morning, by just revving and revving and revving. Spread out these attacks over time, so that you can keep it fresh. Some things get old, or can be adapted to easily. Keep them on their toes, and watch them crumble.

Words of Warning

If you don’t want cops coming over your house, cover your tracks or make sure your neighbors are the revenge type over the cop calling type. A challenge is always fun, and you now have more up your sleeve than the average Joe. Keep the destruction and damages down to a minimum and keep yourself in the clear

Penis Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

• I perform physical labor.
• I work at great depths.
• I am always using my head first.
• I do not get regular days off, weekends off, or public holidays.
• I work in a damp & acidic environment.
• I don’t get paid overtime or shift penalties.
• I work in a dark workplace with poor ventilation.
• I work in high temperatures.
• My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Response from Human Resources

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

• You do not work 8 hours straight.
• You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
• You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
• You do not stay in your assigned position and often visit other areas.
• You take a lot of unscheduled breaks.
• You do not take initiative. You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
• You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
• You don’t always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits.
• You don’t like working double shifts.
• You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed your work.
• And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!

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