Warning to my new girlfriend

You have just expressed to me in an email that you “cannot wait to see what the future holds for us.” I want to tell you, but my ability to communicate candidly has dwindled due to eleven years of masturbating silently in the bedroom next to my parents.

As for that which awaits us in the future, I can only base my hypothesis on past experiences, so please bear with me.

If memory serves me right, for six to eight months we will be in love and enjoy great times: sex will be extraordinary, travel will be adventurous, and longing will fill our hearts. Following that blissful period, I will start to get restless. I will pick out something that I dislike about you and focus on it until it consumes me. I will cease cooking for you, I will loathe sleeping next to you, and I will be mean to your animals. Then, I will psychologically dismantle you.

First, I will drop hints about your eating habits, and I will always eat salad in front of you to encourage the same. I will exercise more, and challenge you to competitive sports such as basketball and tennis where I will further demean you and belittle your sense of worth.

Second, I will begin to alienate your friends. One by one, I will single them out after too much wine, embarrass them, hurt their feelings, and/or make them stop seeing us together. Usually, this happens fairly quickly, and they will try to convince you to leave me, but you won’t be able to since you “love” me and “know that I am a better person than that.”

And the worst part is it is true; I was much nicer and more polite. However, that was before I became fixated on whatever it is that I am focusing on. In the past it has been a labia (major), misshaped earlobes, and scruffy chin hair. But, since you have none of these, I will have to look hard to pick something out about you that I hate. So maybe we’ll last for nine or ten months…, who knows?

Anyway, third, as if the first and second attempts to get you to leave me weren’t enough, I will stop calling and see you only reluctantly. Unless, however, I have been at happy hour too long and the waitress was young and hot; then I may have to come over and tap your ass while thinking of her. I shall remain true to my word, though, and I will not cheat on you. But I will think about infidelity a lot, and I will remind you of it when I do see you. This could go on for months, but hopefully you will see through my veiled attempts at hating you and break up with me before it gets too bad. The last three weren’t so successful.

So, my dear, while presently I may be the well-mannered, loving, caring, and endearing “Baltimoron” that you love so deeply and cherish so much, it is fleeting. Or at least it has been.

I hope this pattern does not repeat itself. I really don’t want to hurt you. At 28, it is time for me to consider actually allowing someone to love me and care for me. Further, I may want to impregnante you so that I can’t leave.

Damn Catholic school…

I love you, too (for now?).

Going Down

I consider myself a lover of oral and like many of the posters here. Getting a great blow job is one of the best feelings in the world, so loving, so relaxing, such a nice feeling to recieve such pleasure. That being said, there is nothing I like better than going down on a sexy girl.

I love love love getting girls off, and I think the fact that I have been in several LTRs has really helped me gather some pretty good tricks of the trade.
{smile}

First of all, I tease a girl to death before I go NEAR her clit. I repeat, stay away form the clit! Focus on her tits, neck, ears, stomache, illiac crest, I use my hands as well as my mouth (I also have a goatee). I love that nook where the leg meets the vagina absolutely sexy! much like the neck. I lick and suck gently not eagerly but teasingly, all around her vagaina, explore the folds, the hole (with your tongue only at this point) run your tongue down to her knee and back up around the belly button. Spending even a small time teasing will save you time in the end. DO NOT seem anxious or in a hurry no matter how excited you are. You’ll know that you really have them going when they are arching and trying to grind the air before you even touch their clit.

Once I do begin to lick their pussy I start with soft wet long licks from top to bottom, focusing more on the clit as I go along, softly, slowly, circling. It took me a long time to realize that being patient will save you so much work. Try not to “flick” or “smack” her clit or vagina, from my experience it is more annoying than anything. I alternate between touching her with my tongue only and using my whole mouth and lips to suck, the variety is key.

If you’re doing this right her clit should begin to get harder and poke out a bit, I test her sensitivity by sucking lightly and judging her reaction. Once I have her preference figured out I begin to tease her with my fingers. If you can’t tell what she likes, freaking ask her if it feels good or not! Don’t be a dumbass and assume!

Now for the fingers…..

There is the most special spot right inside the hole on the top. I know you’re thinking it’s the g-spot which is a little further inside and is kind of rough and spongy. No, I’m tallking about the really smooth part at the very opening, it’s really small and soft an sensitive and perfect for teasing. Since I have discovered this spot every girl since then has commented that I knew where it was. I play with it by rubbing it and aplying pressure until she is trying to fuck my finger deeper inside her, again teasing her until she needs it. Once I have her practically begging to be penetrated, I slide my finger deep and hold it there, letting her fuck my hand. As a side note, I only use one finger, if you get the girl excited enough one finger is all you need, plus it will make your dick feel even bigger once you fuck her and yes I am fucking that tight hole when I am done making you cum with my mouth.

I insert my finger all the way, mind you I am still using my tongue on her clit and surrounding area, alternating speed and pressure based on her reactions. I begin to finger her slowly and rythmically, gauging her response. If you are doing everything right, you will feel her pussy begin to get puffy and full especially on the top near the opening. Viola! The G-Spot is coming to life! Angle your finger to apply pressure to this area, it IS NOT about the in and out! It’s about the pressure. Sometimes I keep my fingers stiff and still and let her grind her G-Spot on my finger, amazing orgasms this way! Especially if she can stand having her clit sucked.

Once you have her at this point, she is all yours, you have her right where you want her, alternate sucking and licking her clit while you massage her g spot, again, make her want it, beg for it, be patient not aggressive. When she cums do not stop, let her finish which can take longer than you think….When she done, simply start over…..light touches and licks and stay away from the clit until she is ready. If she is anything like the girls I’ve been with, you could make her cum again and again, and the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th orgasms are much easier to make happen.

Have fun!

Oh, and don’t forget to tell her how much you love licking her pussy!

Entire A-Team rolled into one guy

Like Hannibal, I love it when a plan comes together. No matter what the mission, I’ve got the skills and experience to get you results. My resourcefulness is unmatched. If I can’t do it, I’ll still find a way to make it happen. I’m an experienced leader and find myself comfortable with anyone in the chain of command, from privates to four-star generals. I am also a certified master of disguise.

Like B.A. Baracus, I’m good with my hands. I love gadgets. I’m a wiz with all things technical – especially developing hand-coded web sites. I believe web sites are about content, not flashy graphics and doodads. Because I believe that users should not have to know how a web site works to be able to update it, my focus has been on developing easy to use content management systems using MySQL and PHP. I may not be able to throw a guy 20 feet, but my battle cry is pretty intimidating. And while I don’t like to fly, you won’t have to drug me to get me on a plane.

Like Faceman, people love me. I can schmooze with the best of them. When it comes to customer service, I believe in exceeding expectations. Great customer service goes a long way – people will put up with just about anything if you are honest, empathize with them and treat them with respect.

Like Murdock, I keep things interesting. I can lighten the mood in just about any situation. I’m a little rusty piloting a helicopter but, nevertheless, I’m an essential part of the team.

If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can e-mail me, maybe you can hire the A-Team.

A Friendly Reminder from your IT Department

I think it might be time for those of you who work in the corporate environment to get a bit of a refresher on your IT departments unspoken rules. It seems a few of you have forgotten what it’s all about. This should provide as a reminder as to the inner workings of the corporate IT world.

1.They are all my computers; I am only letting you borrow them. People constantly laugh at me when I say this, with no idea that I am absolutely serious. I have been given the responsibility of every computer in the office; they are all under my auspices, bar none. if I am gracious enough to give you access to one of my computers, then be nice to it. Talk to it kindly, call it a nice computer, and occasionally pat the monitor. Your computer – and your IT guy – will thank you for it. Also, this applies to printers, the network connection to the outside world, the videoconference system, and the phone system. Mine. All mine. Get it? Good.

2. If you are going to use my stuff, then use it properly. This means LEARN ABOUT FUCKING SPYWARE. If you absolutely HAVE to go to some site during work hours (and we’ll talk about this in a minute), then make sure, when the popups start showing up, you click the little black X in the upper right hand corner. Don’t click the big flashing “OK” in the middle. Don’t. Whatever it is you think you should do – if it’s not that little grey X in the uppermost right corner, don’t do it. Don’t. Just. Fucking. Don’t.

3. We know. Yeah, that’s right, we know. Every little site you’ve gone to. All the email that passes through your computers. All the instant message chats you have. We know. All of them. So the next time you decide you just HAVE to visit some idiotic website with a movie of two guys fucking a chicken, the next time you HAVE to spam emails to all your friends about the cute guy you hooked up with the other night and he gave you chlamydia, the next time you HAVE to talk to your ex-girlfriend about hooking up one more time behind your fiance’s back, think twice about who might be reading that shit, and if you’ve pissed your IT guys off. Because we know.

4. Do not take advantage of us, or our toys. It’s awful nice of us to provide you with a boatload of network storage space for your own private use. Oh, and incidentally, that network storage space at work? IT’S FOR WORK PURPOSES. That means take the seventeen gigabytes of mp3s from some shitty hip-hop artist that you got from some peer-to-peer and GET THEM OFF MY FUCKING NETWORK. I won’t ask nicely again. And listen to some real music – hip-hop sucks.

5. Learn to share. Look, I realize that the computer came with Windows XP. I don’t like it any more than you do. But really – that T1 we’ve got? It’s for everyone, so you can’t hog all our bandwidth by downloading the entire Fedora Core 3. Do it from home. If you want to bring it in to work and dual-boot your drive, I really don’t have a problem with it. But go back to kindergarden first and realize that hoarding is a bad thing, ok? Thanks.

6. The computer I let you use is for your use alone. This is somewhat malleable, where if someone at work needs your machine for a minute, you can let them use it. When your fourteen year old son comes to the office with you on Saturday and you let him use one of MY computers, then bitch to me about spyware, well, I’m just gonna tell you to lick the crack of my ass and spit in a cup. Sure, I’ll fix your machine, but after that you’re gonna have two icons on your desktop; “Go To Work” and “Go Home”, and “Go Home” won’t work until 5:30. Think I can’t do it? Try me.

7. Are you a Program Manager? Then keep your fucking hands off of my fucking computers. This is non-negotiable. You people could fuck up a free lunch. Get the fuck away from them or I will stab you in the neck with a pencil.

8. Are you in sales? Please see #7. You people are worse than Program Managers. Drink bleach.

9. Are you in Engineering? I realize that most of you have forgotten more about hardware than I will ever know. This doesn’t really give you the right to attempt to overclock the PC I’ve let you use to Ludicrious Speed. Please use discretion. Attempting to eke out a few hundred more hertz is fine; requisitioning a Freon Cooling Unit because 3.06G just isn’t fast enough is a little overkill. Trust me.

10. Oh, so you have a laptop of your own? Keep. It. Off. My. Network. If I catch an unknown machine anywhere on my net (please see #3), I will fuck that machine up so badly your high-school TI calculator will be a Beowulf Cluster compared to your new paperweight. Also, I don’t fix home computers. Tough shit. I hope you get herpes.

11. If you want something from your IT Department, email is your friend. This is a bit of a pet peeve of mine, but still – if you need something from me, email it to me. Don’t blindly call me, don’t magically materialize next to my desk and sit there while I’m working on something, waiting for me to pay attention to you – email it to me. I’m not doing shit for you until I have a paper trail originating from you about it. You can follow up with a phone call, that’s fine; you can come over and say, “I just shot you an email, can we discuss?” – that’s fine too. If you just come over and leer at me while I’m in the middle of something, I will ignore you, and mentally give you cancer with my mind.

12. Anti-virus software. Look, people, it’s there for a fucking reason. Don’t try to shut it off, please? Can we at least agree on that? We spent a lot of money on that software so that it would be up and running all the time, and it’s not really my fault if you have fifty applications open and “the anti-virus software is slowing my machine down!!” So I’ll make a deal with you; if you don’t shut my anti-virus software on my computers off, I won’t shove an abacus straight up your ass. Ok? Good.

Following these 12 simple steps will make for a far more pleasing work environment. I guarantee it.

Women, a few minutes of your time please.

Of course, when I say “a few minutes”, I am not talking as in “I’ll be ready in a few minutes”, but the actual quantifiable unit of time. I am a man, well a 27 year old single man to be specific. On occasion, I happen to read the personals online, and I think that some of you “women seeking men” don’t subscribe to general reality. Let’s look at a few examples…

Height – This appears to be a common trait that women here seek out, though actual preferred height seems to vary. However, when you say something like this, “i like tall guys, they have to be 6 feet tall, i can’t respect a guy who’s shorter than me” it’s a bit boggling. Congratulations lady, you just knocked out about 85% of the male populous from your preferred demographic, and that is just on a single stated preference!. If you are attracted to taller men, that is fine but just understand that the more exclusive you are, the less there is to choose from. According to NHCS statistics, about 50% of men are between 5’7 and 5’11. 25% of men are 5’11 or taller, 15% are 6’0 or taller, and 5% are 6’2 or taller. You see the trend? Like most men out there, I reside in that 5’7-5’11 range, since I happen to be 5’10.

Da Smarts – Let’s be frank here, what do you actually want? Are you talking intelligence, educational status, or money. The three are not mutually exclusive or inclusive. There are many well educated people who are broke as fuck, such as teachers. They have the status of being a professional, but can’t pay the rent. Then there are many people who never went to college, but are raking in the dough. Successful entrepreneurship does not require education, just hard work and a bit of luck. Intelligence of course cuts across all these examples as a third factor, and can break either way. You will often find stupidity among the successful and educated, just as you will find intelligence among the failures and uneducated. Please specify! It’s not hard really to find men, such as myself, who currently possess decent portions of these characteristics. However, those men who possess a large degree all three are usually no longer single. If they are, you should probably ask yourself why.

Looks Department – “Yah I want a hot, sexy, athletic, built, blah blah blah blah …” Okay, great. We know this. There are quite a few good looking guys out there, so you’re in luck! However, if you are holding out for the perfect male specimen, you are going to be disappointed. Not only will he probably not be interested in you when you do happen to find him, but he also probably won’t fit into the rest of your desired categories. Basically, what I am saying is that if you find someone attractive, but not perfect, give him a shot anyway if he seems to fit the rest of your profile. If you’re really looking for a LTR and not NSA, then you owe it to yourself. Be realistic.

I want, I want, I want… – Yah that’s nice, you want all of those things but what do you bring to the freaking table? From the male perspective, I think the most annoying personal is the one that stipulates a number of conditions/demands, without revealing anything about themselves. Basically, in doing so you have just declared that you have a selfish personality and are only interested in your needs. Thanks, but no thanks.

Negativity – So you have had some bad relationships, but why do you have to take it out on the rest of us? “Looking for a Man not a Boy”, “All guys want nowadays…”, insert random gender overgeneralization and/or male bashing comment. Hell yah, that’s the best way to attract some good guys! More bitterness please! Come on now, do you really want to advertise your emotional baggage? Also, you have got to love the “I know there is no chance of me ever finding someone here, but…” posts. Have you ever heard of a self fulfilling prophecy?

Inflexibility – Let me introduce you to a basic principle of probability. Let’s say you are in the San Jose area, and are looking for a single (31%) white (48%) man, 25-34 (about 18%) who is 6’0 or taller (15%), doesn’t smoke cigarettes (82%), and possess a Bachelor’s degree or higher (32%). Assuming we are dealing with independent events here (which of course they are not, but this is just a rough example), all of those factors are multiplied together, and therefore we are only talking about 1/1000 men in the San Jose area. We haven’t even delved into the intangibles yet such as looks, personality, wit, etc. Now granted, you are probably going to get a higher caliber of clientele from Craigslist, nonetheless the point here should be clearly illustrated. The more restrictions you adhere to, the less of a selection you will have.

Women’s FAQ

Where are all the good guys? Why are men all pigs? Why can’t I find someone? Where’s my soulmate? Where is he?!!

Chill… Let me introduce you to something I like to call the Archonian paradox. When it comes to the casual dating scene, Women clearly have an advantage, as men are far more interested in casual dating than women are. However, when it comes to the search for LTRs, men hold all the cards. Women on the whole are far more interested in meaningful relationships, especially as both groups age. See the problem lies in the fact that while all you single women were dating the “bad boys” back in your late teens and early 20s, all the good men were being snatched up. So now as you approach your late 20s and early 30s, guess what? The creep/gentlemen ratio among men has increased sharply, and you find yourselves having to weed through those same bad boys you were dating earlier just to find that diamond in the rough. Yah, from the perspective of a good man truly looking for a LTR, the pick of the litter is not too shabby anymore.

Do you believe there is that one person out there for everyone, that perfect match?

Uhh, no. If that was the case, with over 6 billion people in the world, what if he/she lives in somewhere like Latvia? You’re going to be shit out of luck. I believe that each of us has a connection threshold and that there are many people out there who are qualified to fill it. The objective of life is to find a person among them, and commit to them, so that you can both live out your lives happily together. I realize that this is still a somewhat idealistic view, but I am a positive person, and you should be too.

Hey, you said you’re still single, so what the hell is your problem?

A fair question. Actually I was in a long term relationship for quite some time, and only recently I realized it just wasn’t in the cards. The breakup was amiable, but now I find myself back on the market. Some lucky woman out there is going to score herself a good man. It’s not arrogance, but self confidence. When I find said women, I will undoubtedly be fortunate to be with her as well.

Why can’t I meet a single doctor, lawyer, Ivy League MBA, ie. single rich professional?

To be honest, because these guys are all married before they finish medical/law/graduate school. Sorry, if you didn’t snatch them up before they became rich, you have already been beaten to the punch.

Do you subscribe to ladder theory?

Only marginally. There are some tenets I agree with, and some I don’t.

OMG, I completely disagree with x, y, and z. Why are you so full of shit?

I believe you have made an incorrect analysis of the available facts at hand. I suggest you reexamine your decision making process, and check for errors which have undoubtedly occurred.

Are you some sort of psychologist, sociologist, or therapist?

No, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn express last night. I also just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

Your thin girlfriend is going away!

Dear Boyfriend,

I’m sorry to tell you that your thin girlfriend is leaving you. She has her reasons, the most important among them being that she’s really, really hungry.

I know you’ll miss the Skinny Bitch, but the upside is that you can have a new girlfriend in her place who looks and acts almost identical to the girlfriend you’re losing. I’d say that you might not even notice the difference. It’s true that the new girlfriend will take up slightly more space in the bed. You won’t be able to see the new girlfriend’s ribs. But she’ll probably be nicer to spoon with, because her hipbones won’t be sticking out and catching you in the groin during nocturnal rollovers. The new girlfriend will also smile a lot more than Skinny. She’ll probably have lot more energy for things like playing frisbee in the park. (And, as an ultra-special bonus for you, my boy—more energy means a better libido! We both know that you and Ms. Skeleton haven’t been getting it on that much because she’s always tired. Trust me, this curvy replacement will be far more satisfactory in that department.)

Your new girlfriend won’t be wearing size zero jeans. She won’t order “just a salad” unless that’s what she actually wants for dinner, and trust me, it won’t be often. She’ll be working out every day, just like the old girlfriend, but she’ll probably eat something aside from carrot sticks afterward. She’s going to be a healthy, lean, strong, 120-pound goddess. She’s going to have a killer ass.

Which leads me to the last, most important difference between the Skinny Bitch, who is leaving you, and the Curvy Babe, who will be taking her place: Curvy isn’t going to be putting up with anymore of your bullshit remarks or cheap shots. She’s not going to tolerate it when you tell her that she’d be “so hot” if she “just worked out a little more”. She’s not going to be ok with you grabbing the extra flesh on her hips and saying, “What the hell is this?” or telling her she shouldn’t wear skirts because they make her look fat… in fact, if you try any of this, she’ll probably use some of her new-found energy and hard-earned muscle to punch you in the jaw. You’d better keep the comments to yourself, or better yet, stop wanting to make the comments altogether. Your girl is more than just her body—at one time, you were attracted to her intelligence, her sense of humor, her varied interests. In case you hadn’t noticed, that exhausted waif you’ve been hanging out with lately hasn’t been too smart, funny, or sexy. So say goodbye—she’s going out for ice cream, and she’s not coming back!

Improper Blowjob Technique

This is really becoming ridiculous. I am tired of hooking up with attractive women who, though they have been on this Earth for two to three decades, don’t have the first idea on how to properly smoke a pole. This is especially egregious when I have just spent 30-60 minutes getting excited bewteen their beautiful, tender thighs taking orders (and my arms, neck and tongue are now completely numb, stiff and/or have pins and needles) and I’ve let them smoke a generous helping of my good weed.

In addition to my keys, wallet, cell phone, guitar picks, and condoms, I now carry a yellow hankerchief on my person at all times. I also have one stored just underneath my futon. The next time I begin to receive another piss poor blowjob, I am going to yank the woman’s head from my member, stand up, put on a black and white stripped shirt I recently purchased, throw the yellow hankerchief into the air and bellow the following in a loud voice so that all within at least 25 feet can hear me:

“We have multiple infractions on the play. Personal foul, on the offense, tugging, pulling, sucking and slopping on my penis in reckless disregard of whether or not I may actually be enjoying myself. Illegal touching, using teeth on my member and stroking it well below my dickhead, where the penis is not one bit sesitive in any way, except in a woman’s misinformed imagination. The player is EJECTED!”

There will be no further review of my ruling.

You will then be so taken aback by this display of me standing naked (except for my black and white stripped shirt, and probably my socks) and gesticulating along with my announcement that you will promptly leave my bedroom to the chuckles of both myself and my roomates, never to return. (Unless I’m THAT wasted and no one else is around. Or you just want anal.)

If you are in need of pointers, read on. Otherwise, have a nice day.

===============================================================================

First, (assuming the man is on his back) take the pole into your hand and pull it straight up into the air. Don’t pull it too far back- if it breaks off, there is certainly going to be some trouble and you may find yourself charged with negligent manslaughter after I bleed to death.

Firmly gripping the base of the shaft with one hand, then place your ENTIRE mouth around the upright penis and slowly suck to an area AT LEAST 1″-2″ inches below the dickhead. This is where the penis is most sensitive. If you concentrate exclusively on the dickhead, it will be too sensitive and the BJ will be more torture than pleasure. Avoid this, especially if you don’t want me to keep sucking on your clit after you come in my mouth and you are writhing atop my bed because of the sensitivity.

After my stiff 7″ (actually, 6.8″, but if you are experienced enough to tell the difference you must be carrying at least 2 diseases and you shouldn’t be in my bedroom) has been sufficiently made wet by your mouth slowly moving up and down my pole, it’s time to introduce the hand into the equation.

You instinctively put your hand over your mouth to project your voice to distances over 20 yards away in the event of emergency, such as, “Hey! That fucking dickhead from the Parking Authority who just earned his GED is about to write you a ticket for double-parking while you bring your groceries into your apartment!” Use the same technique here- place your hand over your mouth, just between your lips and nose, and continue to suck! Both your hand and soft lips are now gliding up and down my dickhead and shaft, providing me with indescrible pleasure. (If not for this, I wouldn’t be hanging out with you in the first place.)

Now DON’T actually yell out while my blessed member is in your mouth (especially to someone from the Parking Authority) but note that the excitement could be increased even further if you would moan and purr like you are enjoying my cock more than that box of chocolates that you keep dipping into despite your vow to be on your tenth straight diet. (It doesn’t matter if you actually ARE enjoying it- sometimes licking your snatch is like licking the inside of someone’s nose with a sinus infection, yet I don’t complain.)

Do NOT- I repeat, NOT- ever stroke the cock where the shaft meets the balls. There is absolutely no sensitivity in that area. Your hand properly belongs over your mouth. Even worse is when a woman starts pulling on the scrotum in that area, thinking you might enjoy it. How about I try pulling your ears from your face? It would be just as sexually pleasureable.

If your technique is proper, most men will be morphed into a two-minute tiger. The cock will stiffen within minutes to a degree greater than the body of the City’s 231st shooting victim of the year down at the morgue. Ejaculation is now imminent! It is VERY important that you continue sucking for at least 3-4 seconds following the first cumblasts spraying the back of your throat. This will ensure that the involuntary trigger reflex in my penis will begin. Like an AK-47 in the hands of Iraqi insurgents, properly triggering off my pole will ensure that it will keep firing and firing until the entire contents of my burdened balls effortlessly make my way into your mouth in one fell swoop and the 12,000,000,000 potential children begin the journey down your esophogus to their final destination of swimming around in your stomach.

If you pull away too soon, the penis will not successfully trigger and will not continue shooting itself off without some extra effort on your part. It’s best to get it all out at once so I don’t have to awkwardly begin pleading and screaming, “Omigod! Omigod! Baby, there’s more! There’s more! Keep sucking! Keep sucking!” at the height of ecstasy.

Bonus points if you flick your tongue at the base of my dickhead while I’m exploding in your mouth.

After you are confident that all of the sperm has been drained from my testicles (or, my hand releases its vice-grip on the back of your head- whichever comes first), then you may remove your mouth from my penis and slowly lick up and down my still-twiching shaft. Lick the balls, too- they LOVE you at this moment. Then, pull my shaft back up toward you and slowly, softly suck for a few more seconds to top everything off. You can have anything you want from my refridgerator as I quickly fall off to sleep.

I Hate These People

Bad Drivers. I don’t care about your race. I don’t care if you’re male or female. If you have a license, just learn how to fucking drive. It’s really not that difficult, people. Green means go. Yellow means “slow down”. Yellow does NOT mean SLAM ON YOUR FUCKING BREAKS with three cars behind you. If one more person does this to me, so help me I will not only not stop, but I will gun my engine and purposely smash into you. Repeatedly. And I will make sure to decapitate your stupid Oakland A’s bobble-head in the process. Now, a red light means STOP – but I know this can be a bit tricky. Try real hard to stop BEFORE YOU ENTER THE INTERSECTION. Here’s a little hint: If the car AHEAD of you is blocking the intersection, pulling up behind that car probably isn’t the brightest idea. If you end up sitting in the middle of the intersection, blocking cross-traffic … it’s open season on you, my friend. Anyone who’s had “one of those days” should be free to ram your stupid, gridlock-creating, worthless ass at will.

Cell-Phone Abusers. Look, I have one. It’s convenient. But there is a time and a place. It’s called common sense. Let me break it down for you. Ask yourself these questions: Am I watching a movie? Am I eating in a decent restaurant? Am I driving? If the answer is yes, don’t even THINK of flipping that fucking phone. And turn off or change your stupid-assclown Beethoven’s 5th polyphonic ring-tone. Nobody thinks you are sophisticated, or smart. Quite the contrary, we all think you’re a complete moron, and sincerely want to slowly stab blunt toothpicks into your eyes.

Happy Office People. FUCK people with company spirit. This is work. I’m hung over, tired, and I hate your guts. And if you wear that smelly-ass, stained shirt with the company logo ONE MORE FUCKING TIME this week, I will rip it off your body and expose your pasty-white man-boobs for all to see. And to our HR manager who is trying diligently to organize a company softball team: Look lady, this is a tech company. A haven for high school geeks everywhere. They certainly weren’t athletes back then, and years of pecking on a keyboard hasn’t magically changed them into Barry Bonds. Why you want Lewis and Gilbert out there in stretch pants and cleats is really beyond me.

Chatty Taxi Drivers. Just shut the fuck up and DRIVE already. Really, there is no need for you to even speak to me. I tell you where I want to go. You drive there. The little meter tells me how much I owe you when we arrive. Absolutely no need for conversation. A little tip: When I haven’t responded to your repeated attempts at “small talk” – might be a pretty good indication I’m not interested in talking with you. If you continue to talk, don’t be surprised when I reach through the Plexiglas opening and choke you out with my forearm.

Complicated Coffee Orderers. I know you think it’s really “hip” to order a “triple, no foam soy latte with one pump of sugar-free vanilla swirled” — but get over your fucking self already. It’s coffee, not a five course meal.

Email forwarders. No, I don’t think your joke was funny. I think you are an idiot. I think I want to ram my keyboard through your teeth. Oh, and those chain-emails that instruct me to “forward 7 times, and the one I love will come back” — those are even better. Those are fantastic. Next time you send me one of those, how about I just smash your face with my stapler 7 times, and see if you come back?

Pet Rules

To my animal loving friends/family!!

• When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

• The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw or nose-print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)

• The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

• I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.

• My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

• For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won’t help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years…canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

• Then you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.

• Dog: Don’t think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it.

• Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.

• Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough.

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Complain About Our Pets:

• They live here; you don’t.

• If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

• I like my pet(s) better than I like most people.

• To you it’s an animal. To me, it’s an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.

• Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to train, usually come when called, don’t ask for money, never drive your car, don’t hang out with losers, don’t drink or smoke, and don’t worry about the latest fashions.

60 reasons a Vibrator is better than a Man

1. It understands if I’m suddenly no longer in the mood.
2. It would never dream of cheating on me
3. It’s always ready, willing and able.
4. It’s never rough or angry.
5. It never gives me the silent treatment.
6. It never treats me like shit for no reason.
7. It never bosses me around.
8. It never stops doing what it’s doing, right when I’m about to come.
9. It costs very little to maintain.
10. It never hogs the remote.
11. It doesn’t make requests.
12. It goes at my pace.
13. It gets me off FASTER than a man.
14. It gets me off more intensely than a man.
15. It doesn’t mind if I want to fall asleep after I get off.
16. It doesn’t slap my ass.
17. It doesn’t make me get on my knees and get hit from the back.
18. I don’t have put on any sort of theatrical performance to get off.
19. I am never ashamed to wear granny undies in front of it.
20. It doesn’t stop suddenly to answer its cellphone.
21. It never asks me to suck its dick
22. It never asks me to swallow
23. It never pushes my head down towards it and tries to force me to give it a blow job.
24. It never can’t get up and begs for some oral to assist it in rising to the occasion.
25. It never spits nasty cum at me.
26. It doesn’t leave a nasty wet spot.
27. It doesn’t pout and make me feel like I’m fucking a small child
28. It doesn’t think natural bodily functions are taboo.
29. It doesn’t make crude comments about “periods”, PMS or anything to do with douches.
30. It makes me happy, really, really happy
31. It has manners
32. It is never insensitive or crude
33. It doesn’t bring up all its other lovers
34. It never tells me the same boring conquest story over and over
35. It never watches sports on TV
36. It never goes out and has revenge sex
37. It has attachments that come in various sizes and colors to meet ALL my needs
38. It is always there when I need it.
39. It likes ME best, not its car, team or mother.
40. Its better sex that any sex I ever had with a man and it never minds if I have a man join in on the fun
41. It never tells me I’m fat
42. It never criticizes me
43. It never makes me feel like a cheap whore (unless I want it to)
44. It never demands a blowjob, as if it is his God given right.
45. It guarantees satisfaction and multiple orgasms
46. It never whines or begs
47. It never demands sex in repayment for dinner or a movie
48. Its always FUN to be around
49. It doesn’t need a bunch of coddling to perform
50. It doesn’t snore, belch, fart or hog the covers.
51. It lasts longer than 5 minutes.
52. It’s reliable and doesn’t talk back.
53. I don’t have to clean its dirty laundry.
54. It’s ready ALL of the time.
55. It has never lied to me.
56. It is ALWAYS 8.5″, even soft.
57. It doesn’t look at other women.
58. It’s always happy to see me.
59. No risk of catching an STD.
60. It doesn’t stay out all night (w/o me).

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