Pet Peeves II

Back with more RAGE!

1. Pretentious college students.
2. People who chew with their mouth open.
3. People who say ‘labtop’.
4. People that mistreat animals.
5. Big nipples and/or areolas.
6. Skinny girls with fat legs.
7. People who insist on pressing already lit buttons when waiting for an elevator. It’s not going to come any faster.
8. I hate girls who whine constantly about their petty problems. I can only pretend to care for so long.
9. Inconsiderate fucks who use their cell phones in inappropriate places.
10. People who think everything can be solved by prayer.
11. People who believe anything a religious official tells them.
12. When people argue about religion (nobody will change their mind because you made a good point)
13. People who shove their religious beliefs down your throat.
14. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS; I’m not a politician and neither are you.
15. When people talk to me about their problems all the time, but when I do the same they show obvious disinterest.

What Could Billy Mays Sell?

A tribute to Billy Mays.

July 20, 1958 – June 28, 2009

• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A 10 DOLLAR BILL FOR ONLY $19.99
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A BEARD TO HIMSELF
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A BIKE TO STEVEN HAWKING
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A BOOK TO A NIGGA
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A BOWFLEX TO CHUCK NORRIS
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A BOX OF AIDS TO UNINTERESTED PARTIES
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A HORSE TO CHRISTOPHER REEVE
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A JONAS BROTHERS CD
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A PANDEMIC VIRUS TO PRESIDENT MADAGASCAR
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A PLAYSTATION 3
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL ADDITIONAL PYLONS TO THE ZERG
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL ADULT LINK DEKU STICKS
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL AFRICAN RESIDENCY TO YOU
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL AMERICAN CARS
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL AN ETCH-A-SKETCH TO MICHAEL JAY FOX
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL ASIAN MEN MAGNUM CONDOMS
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL BILLY MAYS TO BILLY MAYS
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL COURAGE TO THE FRENCH
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL CP TO CHRIS HANSON
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL CREAM AND CALL IT BUTTER I CAN’T BELIEVE ITS NOT BUTTER
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL DIET WATER
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL FAIL TO CHUCK NORRIS
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL GYM MEMBERSHIPS TO PARALYZED PEOPLE
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL HOMELESS PEOPLE FURNITURE
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL HOT CHOCOLATE IN THE SAHARA
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL ICE TO ESKIMOS
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL INDIANS LAND
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL JANET JACKSON CLOTHES THAT WON’T MALFUNCTION
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL JEWISH PEOPLE HITLER MEMORABILIA
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL JEWISH PEOPLE SOAP MADE OUT OF JEWS
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL LIFE INSURANCE TO GOD
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL LOGIC TO FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIANS
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL MATERNITY CLOTHING AT AN ABORTION CLINIC
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL MICHAEL JACKSON A FEMALE HOOKER
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL MOUNTAIN CLIMBERS LIFEJACKETS
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL MYLEY CYRUS A PORN STARRING BILLY RAY CYRUS
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL PANTIES TO PARIS HILTON
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL REAL MUSIC TO EMO KIDS
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL SLEEPING PILLS TO A COMA PATIENT
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL SNOW TO A RUSSIAN
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL TEA TO THE AMERICAN COLONISTS DURING THE UNFAIR BRITISH TAX LEVIES OF THE LATE 1700S
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL THE COMPLETE DVD SET OF FULL HOUSE
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL THE COMPLETE DVD SET OF FULL HOUSE TO BOB SAGET!
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL THE DEVIL HIS OWN SOUL
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL THE FONZ WORLD OF WARCRAFT
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL THE SHIT HE JUST CRAPPED FOR ONLY $19.95
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL TWILIGHT FANS A REAL VAMPIRE BOOK
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL UNDERWEAR ON ROCK OF LOVE
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL USED CONDOMS
• BILLY MAYS COULD SELL YOU SHIT YOU ALREADY OWN

Next: Part II of our tribute to Billy Mays.

My own shitty super power

Did you ever think for a while that you were the only person who could tense the inside of your ears and have the sound similar to a thunderstorm miles away? I used to think it was my own shitty superpower.

Turns out I’m not the only super man.

You’re making the sound now, aren’t you?

What are these bitches thinking?

I don’t understand what gives chicks the urge to become total whores and fuck everything they see. I mean honestly, women have the same size brain as men, you’d think it would function correctly. Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that I can see tits and ass any time I want, but sometimes I get philosophical and wonder what the fuck are these bitches thinking?

Free credit report

Too bad i didnt know my credit was whack
Now im driving off the lot in a used sub compact
F. R. E. E. that spells free,
credit report.com baby.

Admit it, you just sang that song in his voice and you hate it.

Surgery III

Things you don’t want to hear before the anesthesia kicks in.

• Doctor, is there supposed to be that much blood?
• Yeah, Dr. Ross is stuck in a storm, but no worries I haven’t lost a game of operation in almost five years
• So is this the man who needs the hysterectomy?
• Dammit that bitch in radiology gave me something. I swear my cock itches like a mutherfucker.
• Welcome to celebrity surgery live, where one of our five remaining celebrities will be selected to perform a life-threatening operation on an unsuspecting patient.
• Nurse, take off your clothes.
• Hi everyone. My name is Michael J. Fox and I’ll be your surgeon today.

Surgery II

Things you don’t want to hear before the anesthesia kicks in.

• I hope I don’t get sick like the last time.
• Hey, I think we gave him way too much anesthesia. What did the directions say?
• SO LARRY R U GONNA PUT THAT RIGHT THAR POKEY THING INSIDE HEM?
• Get some ice ready; he looks like he has healthy kidneys.
• Okay nurse; beer me.
• I hope this goes better than last time.
• He’s not going to wake up.
• Make it look like an accident.
• The anus-relaxing qualities of the anesthesia make for a pleasant side benefit.
• Oh man look at his cock! haha, we have to take pictures.
• His wife was pretty hot. Maybe we should fuck her while he’s under.
• Here’s another one for my blooper reel!
• I wonder if his ass will feel raw if I don’t use lube.
• This is a sex change operation, right?
• Ugh, I hate these masks. I’m taking mine off. AAHHH CHOOO

Surgery I

Things you don’t want to hear before the anesthesia kicks in.

• Oops
• Do we get to use the saw this time?
• This one will make a fine corpse.
• Now, where did I put the how to video?
• Now, where did i put the lube?
• Nurse, gimmie another bottle of whiskey.
• Why would he want this penis removed?
• I’ll bet this one has a lovely anus.
• bow chica bow wow
• Nurse, remember to vacuum out my semen this time.
• This time I get the mouth.
• So we’re giving him a vagina, right?
• We’re all gonna rape the shit out of your anaesthetized body.
• Yeah, his wife died in the accident.
• I’m so fucking high right now.

She’s getting fat

What’s the world’s most fattening food?
Wedding cake.

How to tell your girl she’s getting fat without actually saying it. 60% of the time these suggestions will works every time.

• Break up with her. Problem solved.
• Say, “BEEP BEEP BEEP” every time she backs up.
• Stop eating. After about two weeks, say “I recently lost ten pounds by deciding not to eat whenever I saw you eating. Now it’s your turn.”
• Any time when you’re lying together, pretend to be fooling around and tickle or poke her in her fatty areas and say “poke” (because girls love that sort of shit). Do this subtlety and repeatedly until she gets paranoid and says, “Leave my fat alone.” Then you say, “Oh I love your fat.” Repeat that method until she says, “Do you think I’ve put on weight?” Shrug and say, “Maybe a little, but I wouldn’t have noticed.” Quickly change subject and have sex. Repeat this interaction until she’s sufficiently paranoid and gets off her chocolate filled ass and loses the weight.
• Ask her, “Honey, are you pregnant?”
• Tell her you think she’s lost weight.
• Say, “Hey baby you sure are getting ugly.”
• Say, “Did you pick up the wrong dry cleaning, because I could swear these aren’t your clothes.”
• Don’t brush your teeth and then wait for her to break up with you.
• Ask, “Did your clothes shrink?”
• Claim that you are feeling fat yourself, and that you want to lose some weight. She’ll probably propose you both trying to lose weight together; bla bla bla. Note this obligates you to lose weight too, so it might not be the best.
• Write it down on a piece of paper and show it to her. What? You’re not actually “saying it”.
• Don’t tell her she’s fat. Just start going to the gym and ask her to go with you.
• Follow these steps:
  1. Buy delicious cake
  2. Eat all of cake yourself
  3. Leave some crumbs
  4. Ask her, “Did you eat all this delicious cake?”
  5. When she says “no” point at her fat and say “I think you might have.”
  6. Then run like the wind.
• Frequently buy her clothes in the size you’d like her to be and give it to her as a present.

Future Article: My boyfriend is subtly trying to tell me I’m fat. How should I subtly tell him that I’m cheating on his ass with his best friend?

Questions; a social experiment

Question; it’s for lack of a better name, but a fun experiment nonetheless.

• Submit a question.
• Vote for a question.
• Comment on a question.

Try it out!

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