I like hores

Good Burger

Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?

You just said that in his voice.

Pet Pevees

1. I hate how in porn, it takes forever before the actual fucking begins. I’m not talking about when they are just building sexual tension. I’m talking about with the girl is talking to the camera guy. And why is the camera guy even talking? STFU.
2. I hate when porno sluts scream at the top of their lungs to try to make us believe they are having an orgasm when you know they are faking.
3. I also really hate when they show the guys face for more than 5 seconds. Really, stop doing that.
4. Why do porns have the shot from behind where the guy’s asshole is shown? Who likes that?
5. In porn, Whenever the guy talks more often or louder than the girl.
6. In porn, where the women sucks dick for more than 1 minute. Any fellatio is boring to watch. I want the bang bang.
7. So I have a lot of pet pevees about porn. Get off my back.
8. Gagging blowjobs. The girl is almost throwing up, and sometimes she does. Is this turning you on? Freak.
9. Getting the hiccups.
10. People who constantly have to “one-up” you, just to make themselves feel superior.
11. PEOPLE THAT CAPITALIZE EVERY FUCKING WORD IN A SENTENCE.
12. I hate fat people who are proud to be fat. You’re not proud you over compensating self conscious fatty.
13. People who sing songs they don’t know the words to.
14. People who pretend to be really rich but aren’t at all.
15. People with loud fucking voices about everything
16. People who attempt to be funny but fail miserably.
17. Couples that say “i love you” after a day of dating.
18. Couples who fight alot (especially in public) and stay together.
19. When girls love their boyfriends even when they treat them like shit.
20. People who flaunt the fact that they drink, smoke, and party.
21. Girls who are clearly whores, but will never admit it.

I hate fat people

I’m not talking like a little chubby; I’m talking like a morbidly obese.

I hate the fat people that complain about being fat. Unless you have a glandular disease or some other type of PHYSICAL problem, then STFU and go run a few miles.

I love how fat people complain about skinny people, and try to be beautiful. You’ll never be beautiful holding fast food.

I hate how they fucking breathe so loudly.

I hate fat white women. Of all of the fat people in the world, fat white women are the worst.

I hate seeing fat people naked; it burns my fucking eyes.

I hate fat people, unless it’s Santa Claus. He’s just jolly.

I hate fat people that advertise their obesity as a “disability”. You are not disabled, you are a fatass.

Triple cheeseburger, extra mayo, large fries, oh, and a large Diet Coke. As if the Diet Coke is going to offset the rest of the calories and the boatloads of saturated fat; you dumbass fat fucking heifer.

Fat people FEED on sympathy. The more slack you give them, the more they feel it’s “okay” to stay fat and useless.

Fat children.

This boggles my fucking mind. How, as a parent, can you look at a kid who’s breathing heavy from walking up the steps and think to yourself “I’m doing a good job?” That’s fucking child abuse if you ask me.

I hate how fat women in general say they “aren’t” fat, but instead are “curvy”, “voluptuous” and “big-boned” at the same time. What the fuck is this shit? You’re a fat manatee you obese bitch. What are thin people then, “thin boned?”

I hate fat chicks who don’t realize how fat they are and walk around in short shorts and tube tops.

I can’t stand how fat people describe their weight as something they can’t help, that its entirely out of their hands.

I hate fat girls who think their cleavage is sexy or one of their best features. The only reason your tits are so big is because you eat so much. And they aren’t even good boobs, they are just meat sacks hanging off your fat torso.

The only way it’s alright for you to be fat is if you’re a black guy. Big black guys are cool, like Big from Rob & Big or Fat Albert. Oh yeah, and the forementioned Santa Clause.

I hate that fat people are still attracted to skinny people. They expect to get a skinny mate but they don’t have the common decency to make themselves skinny for their prospective mate.

I hate how fat bitches have this attitude like they’re the shit because they got fucked by dudes looking for a quick hit. This just blows up their ego. This is called “fatitude”.

I hate anyone who thinks being fat is “natural”. It’s not.

I hate when fat people tell skinny people they have to eat more and get more meat on their bones. Why, so they can be fat like you?

If I worked at a grocery store, I would purposely keep the motorized scooters uncharged.

But it’s not just fat people. I also hate skinny people that don’t work out or have a good diet. You’re not skinny because you’re so god dam good at diet and exercise; you’re just naturally skinny. However you’ve convinced yourself that this is due to some inherent superiority on your part. probably because you don’t have anything else to feel good about yourself.

Weak, Normal, Super?

If you get a 999 combo, you gain the ability of reality manipulation, which means you are GOD!

Intelligence


Strength


Stamina

Peeing in the sink

When it comes to peeing, its great to be a male. Ladies (and fellows with a micro-penis) purse their lips at men’s blithe attitude toward convenience when it comes to answering nature’s call. We’re so crass, rude, disgusting. Right.

You’re just fucking envious. And well you should be. It is indescribably wondrous portaging a permanently attached watering hose. Witness ‘Man, Peeing in Garden’, the epitome of casualness. Few, if any, locations are off-limits when the urge is felt: parking garage, deck, the sink…simply too many nouns to list. Still, while decorum is abused, discretion is not–more on this point in a moment.

Oh sure, many a woman has pee’d outside of the pot, though strictly as a matter of urgency and with much reluctance and with great angst. There is no female example of ‘whipping it out.’ In fact, yours is a complete show. You fret about the location, the preparation, the sundries, minimizing dribble ‘christ almighty’ it’s a fifteen minute ordeal. Men can sort of relate to your dilemma, like when we need to poop and there’s no bathroom in sight.

Anyway, I pee in the sink. I’ve been peeing into bathroom sinks for years. Convenience is my primary reason. But there are many very good reasons to pee in a sink. A few among them:

I can multitask, which is important to me: both my hands are free to brush teeth, comb hair, apply hygiene products, etc. I’ve never done and empirical study, but I am certain in my gut that cumulative hours are saved annually by peeing in the sink.

It’s environmentally conscientious. I conserve water when I pee in the sink. As I wash my hands or rinse my toothbrush, my pee is carried through the p-trap down into the sanitary line. Toilet, sink; as George Castanza explained, “It’s all pipes!”

It’s the “green” thing to do. By peeing on dried toothpaste, solidified lungers, loose hair, and other lingering yuckiness stuck inside the sink, I save still more water and reduce phosphates and other nasty chemicals that might otherwise have been used to clean the sink.
It’s considerate. Regardless whether my girlie is sleeping, watching television, reading in silence, I do not disturb her with a cacophonous serenade of “man-peeing-into-toilet-then-flushing”. Peeing into a sink is very quiet.

It’s clean. There is no toilet water splash nor urine splatter on walls, seat or in the crannies of the commode. Here I bandy the duel argument of “less work” (by not scrubbing said surfaces after each use) and, consequently, “more green” (requires less use of environmentally harmful cleaning chemicals). Pee is, for the most part, sterile when it hits the sink, so no need to use expensive disinfectant. Thus I submit another good, albeit tenuous, reason I pee in the sink: it saves money.

It builds “relationship equity”. The seat is always down, which appears to my girlie as sublimely considerate and one those “little things” I do for her. This manifests, somehow, in better sex.

It’s hygienic. After my stream has diminished to a trickle, I splash a handful or two of water on my dick, thus washing it. I have a clean dick and I put my dick up against the dick of any “traditional” toilet user for some quantitative dick evaluation; eg.: stiff test, taste test. Rub my dick against glass and it squeaks.

I can think of violently few disadvantages to peeing in a sink. Off the top of my head:

• peeing into a sink after eating asparagus is very unpleasant;
• fishing a contact lens out of the sink while “multitasking” is disturbing; and,
• reflexive tumescence may result from the splash of overly cold or hot water, which can have messy consequences.

I confess that a lifetime of casually whipping it out and lettin’ go when and wherever has caused my “Emergency Pee Shut Off” muscle, assuming it ever existed, to atrophy. Richard Pryor was correct that a man cannot cut off his stream “just like that”.

I am aware that this technique d’avant garde might offend the eyeballs of an accidental witness, so I always exercise discretion when I pee in the sink. That said, peeing in the sink is so routine for me that I am complacent, and I never thought up a contingency plan should someone walk in on me.

Are you breathing?

Now that you’re aware of it, you’re manually breathing.

Instructions for giving a cat a pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut and count to ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler in mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot.

12. Ring fire department to retrieve cat from telephone poll across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13′ Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by the furniture store on the way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to find a new home for cat and ring the local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Top ten things to do when bored at work

10.Sneak furtive glances at the potted hydrangea that is always staring at you in the corner. Give it a wink. It knows it wants it.

9.Take your housemate’s choices off of the Netflix queue. He hasn’t paid his $7.99/mo. share since July, anyway. Asshole.

8.Get that piece of General Tso’s chicken that’s been stuck somewhere between your back molar and your wisdom tooth since lunch. Make sure you use your hand that has been wrapped around your germ-covered mouse all day.

7.Get your office cohorts addicted to checking the ‘Missed Connections’ postings on craigslist. Then creep them out by writing very specific MCs exposing the fact that you stare at their eyebrows over the top of your computer monitor everyday. For long hours. And that you might love them. Make it very, very obvious who you are.

6.Practice your dream of an ambidextrous existence by typing with your wrists crossed over one another.

5.Buck up, and don’t be afraid to dream of a brighter, not-too-distant future! A place where the 2″ brads shine like the polished dome of Solomon’s Temple, and your cute little office tchatchkes displaying your unique personality are plated in sheets of divine platinum. Boy, wouldn’t that ALF action figure look smart then!

4.Go out! Take a break! Get some fresh air! Go to the drug store! Buy some Twizzlers Pull’n Peels! Go back to your office! Take a Pull’n Peel and tie it into a knot! See how long it takes for your unique confectionary sculptures to obtain a shell with the resistance temperament of alabaster!

3.Man, I gotta go grab a smoke.

2.Wonder how difficult it would actually be to masturbate at your desk.

1.Weep. Oh so quietly weep.

Skid etiquette

Now I can’t generalize about all males out there, so please don’t be offended if you don’t fit into the group I’m about to describe. Okie dokie, let’s have a little chat about skids. Skids? Yes, skids, ya know, the brown residue left in your underwear after busting ass, OR inefficient wiping of the anal region? I’m sure you fellas aren’t the proudest when you walk out of the bathroom, shit-stained underwear and all….afterall, what kind of man are you if you can’t even wipe your own ass decently? Not only are you embarassed by your new brown little secret, but everyone else in a 5ft radius of you also knows you did a shit job of wiping (quite literally). But that’s not even the worst of it. You boyfriends and husbands who get your ladies to do the laundry- yes we know it was you who had a bad bathroom day, not only by the smell radiating off of you, but by the actual proof: not-so-whitie tighties or crusted poop residue on the ass seam of your boxers. Do us all a favor and take the necessary steps of cleaning up your mess. Better yet, how about you prevent the brown underwear devil itself. The following is a list I’ve come up with to help you with your problem:

1. wiping position- I will bet you 10 bucks that skids only happen to dudes who try the standing-up wipe. IT DOESN’T WORK. You need to be sitting down with those ass cheeks spread to have access to the most ass surface area. Standing up to do it may get you outta the bathroom quicker, but a hefty price (aka massive skids)

2. wiping technique- It’s pretty self explanatory, but I’ll discuss it incase you weren’t paying attention in Potty Training 101. When you wipe, you continue to do so until there is no brown left on the TP. Yes that means you’ll officially be called a “looker”, but it’s the lookers who have the cleanest asses, so suck it up and just look. There is no way to gauge the progress of wiping just by the feel, and even though it’s fuckin weird to look at your shit, ya gotta do it!

3. avoiding the infamous clog- I know some of you don’t like to use too much TP for fear of clogging the toilet (it’s just as bad as being shit stained). Here’s a lil technique that’ll ease those fears: depending on how big your shit was, you’ve got a good 3-5 wipes before you’ll need to flush. Don’t sweat it if you’re on wipe 5 and you’re barely seeing a decrease in poop on your TP. There’s nothing wrong with multiple flushes. It is time consuming, but well worth it.

4. get to the bathroom when you first feel the poop urge- Holding your poop back (aka butt cheek squeezing) will work sometimes, but don’t always bank on it. For hard poop, I give you the green light to hold it sometimes, but don’t make it a habit. Soft poop, well that’s a gamble, so it’s your call. Watery poop should NEVER NEVER NEVER be held back because as many of you probably already know, it can get thru even the tightest of clenched cheeks. All in all, it’s just better to go when you’re body tells you, even if it’ll inconvienience you.

5. bring back-up underwear with you- for those just starting out with trying to avoid/prevent skids, it’s wise to bring an extra pair of underwear to work (keep them in your car or desk). If you soil your pants, you’ll have fresh ones awaiting you. What to do with your soiled pants? You have a few choices:
a). Leave them right next to the stall, no one will ever know it was you
(don’t flush them, you’ll end up with a clog). Plus what a laugh you’ll
give the guys at work, all joking about the poor dude who messed his
pants!
b). Take them home with you and throw them out of the window while driving.
That’ll certainly give the road clean-up crew something to smile about.
c). Use them them as revenge for someone in the office you hate. Imagine the
look on their face when they open their desk drawer and find them.
Alternately, attatching them to someones car antenna will work too.

6. do your own laundry- If you happen to have a bad day in the defecating dept.,
simply do your own laundry so that us girlfriends/wives don’t even know. Plus you doing your own laundry MAY win you some brownie points :)

I think that about covers it. Now go out and fight the good fight.

*BTW- chics don’t get skids, because we already know all of this stuff :)

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