Pickup lines that work III

Continued from: Pickup lines that work II

• What’s the difference between a knife and a Ferrari? I don’t have Ferrari in my pocket. Get in the van.
• I’m like a Rubik’s Cube; the longer you play with me, the harder I get.
• It’s $20 for oral and $50 to fuck you in the ass, right?
• I don’t know if you’ll remember me, I was the guy lurking in the bushes watching you undress.
• If I ask you to have sex with me, will your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
• You might know me from tv; I’m pretty famous right now. (oh cool! what show?) To catch a predator.
• You know how I know we’ll be having sex later tonight? I’m bigger than you.
• I did a dump just before that was so big I was afraid it wouldn’t flush, I had to hold down the button for ages before it got sucked down, the toilet sounded like it was choking. My asshole still feels ragged from it and tingles a little.
• Hi can I buy you a drink? [Yeah, like that would ever work.]
• I lost my dog. Will you help me look for him? I think he ran into this cheap motel.
• Are you a single mom? (No) Do you wanna be?
• Does this drink taste like Rohypnol to you?
• I heard you like consensual sex in the missionary position?
• I’m an atheist. Care to be penetrated by my ironclad logic in your plot holes?

Parental advice we didn’t believe

Here are some things our parents told us that we totally fought against but later found out they were right.

• Dating someone with bipolar disorder is a bad idea.
• Santa isn’t real.
• To not be such a spoiled little prick. I’m much better now.
• That school IS important, and that it’s important to treat your friends well.
• Girls are all the same.
• Things will be fine.
• You’ll like girls later.
• Your ass is pretty tight. haha just kidding. But seriously, it’s not anymore.
• Smoking is not a good idea.
• To wait until I’m out of high school to find someone.
• Wear a mother fucking sweater.
• 25+25=50 There was no way shit was that simple.
• Don’t date the hot blonde who spends your money, they said. That’s $1,500 a month she took from me for 4 months.
• Professional wrestling isn’t real.

Pickup lines that work II

Continued from: Pickup lines that work

• Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
• You must have fallen from heaven, because your face is like all fucked up.
• My new high-tech watch tells me you have no clothes on… oh, well, you have… it has to be one hour fast.
• Do you fuck strangers? (No) Well, allow me to introduce myself.
• Nice legs, but they would look better wrapped around my head.
• It puts the lotion on the skin.
• You must be an angel, because I have a huge erection.
• If I said you have a beautiful body, would you let me stick it in your pooper?
• Hi my name is pogo, wanna jump on my stick?
• I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boobies.
• Would you like to have sexual intercourse with me in the missionary position?
• GET IN THE FUCKING VAN!
• Nice legs. What time do they open?
• I lost a rag in my van. Get in there and find it.

And if those don’t work, we’ve got some more: Pickup lines that work III

Don’t smoke Marijuana

FACTS ABOUT MARIJUANA:

90% of people who smoke marijuana are lazy.
85% of people who smoke marijuana don’t have jobs.
85% of people who smoke marijuana don’t believe in God!
70% of people who smoke marijuana descend into crime.

There are over 100,000 deaths each year due to marijuana usage.
There are also over 135,000 cases each year of people going either blind or deaf due to marijuana usage.
4/5 of all girls raped are girls that are using marijuana and couldn’t protect themselves.

So, idiots, are you gonna keep smoking marijuana after these FACTS?

Remember: Marijuana Ruins Lives

Things you learned the hard way II

• Your true friends are the ones who stick by you both when you’re down and when you’re up. You might be stunned to find how many true friends you have and which ones they are.
• The most fascinating topic of conversation for 99% of the population is themselves.
• Don’t kiss anything while you’re drunk if you haven’t while you were sober.
• Your little sister may swear that she won’t tell mom about your special kind of love that you and she share, but it will slip out at the most inopportune moment. Like thanksgiving dinner.
• The last one probably applies to some people. Sick. Or is it?
• Little boys always tell.
• Ok, now it’s just getting weird.
• When you’re burying a body, try to leave the ground looking undisturbed.
• Jesus, these aren’t lessons people need to learn.
• Having sex with a young lady of questionable moral fiber without use of a condom can result in catching a sexually transmitted disease, such as Gonorrhea.
• Ok, that’s better.
• Don’t think police dogs can’t smell your weed because they are basically ninjas. Don’t stick your pills in the same bag as your weed because the hairy ninjas will find them.
• When you’re with people who are doing dangerous things that if caught the repercussions will be minimal, fucking do it.
• Get laid early, take condoms everywhere.
• Self appearance is everything; grow your hair then get it styled, wear cool clothes and get rid of those fucking spots.
• Buy some running shoes and run for a few minutes every night after dark until you can run for a long time. It’s easy and gets you fit.
• Get off the internet and get friends. Go out at every opportunity and stay in and masturbate during the winter.
• Regarding the man in the van who offers you candy? Don’t take it.

Things you learned the hard way

• Don’t eat yellow snow.
• Don’t love, at all.
• Moustaches are cool. Neck beards are not.
• Never care too much for one person
• Automatic transmissions suck the life out of driving.
• You know that cute nerdy girl you like? The one which may, just may, not be as petty or materialistic as all of the other girls? Yeah, she’s a dumb whore too.
• Some things cannot be unseen.
• Most people are pretty stupid and closed minded.
• Most girls who you think no other guy likes, yeah all the dudes are eying her as well.
• When they say they love you, think of all the people before you they said that to.
• Every movie or tv show you ever watched where in the end the nerdy fat kids in high school gets a girlfriend or a date to the prom or whatever because she realizes he’s nice and sweet is a load of fucking shit.
• Your friends always talk shit behind your back. What? You think you’re the only one that does it?
• There is ALWAYS a catch.
• Perception is pretty much everything.
• No one will ever love you as much as you can love yourself. Your best friend is just behind the mirror.
• Everyone is looking to take money from you. Some are just better at getting you to hand it over willingly.
• Girls cannot be understood. There is no secret formula, or special method to understand them. As soon as you think you have it understood, they will do something incomprehensible just to get things back to the maddening status quo that they like.

Pickup lines that work

• I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
• I lost my phone number. Can you give me yours?
• I like all the shit you like. Let’s fuck.
• My couch pulls out but I don’t.
• I put the STD in stud, now all I need is U!
• Scream and I’ll cut you.
• You look like a dirty whore. What can I get for $50? Or did I just earn a freebie?
• I’ll bet my dick won’t fit inside your vagina.
• I’m not the kind of guy to kiss and tell, but if we fuck I’m telling EVERYBODY.
• I’ve got cable.
• What rhymes with “I want to take you how tonight and have sex with you?”
• Having sex with me would really piss off your dad.
• There are only a few things I do for fun. One can be you if you’re lucky.

More pickup lines: Pickup lines that work II

Girls are evil

Every single girl I have ever fallen for has led to nothing but pain and suffering. Fuck girls, they’re evil. You’ll do better in life without one constantly bringing drama into it and manipulating you. They have what you want and they know it and they use that to their advantage. I’ve been with all sorts of different girls but ultimately they all do the same thing, which is fucking you over in some way or another. If you make yourself too available, if you’re too good to them, they WILL leave you. At least this has been my experience. I’ve come to realize that getting a girl is 60% ignoring them; tossing out the bait by displaying high value physically and socially. Once they’re interested, ignoring them is half the game. It drives them crazy for you and for some reason psychologically displays higher value for yourself. If you’re the one to always call, to always put in the effort it shows that you have lower value, and that you see them as high value. They subconsciously recognize this and suddenly, they’re no longer interested in you and just want to “be friends.” Don’t fall for the “let’s just be friends” phrase, because at this point you’ve already lost her. Move on, don’t talk to her anymore you lost the game. And surprisingly you’ll find that after you start ignoring her and move on, chances are she’s going to suddenly be putting in more effort than you ever saw her do when you were together. Strange.. stupid.. but that’s women.

She’s getting fat

What’s the world’s most fattening food?
Wedding cake.

How to tell your girl she’s getting fat without actually saying it. 60% of the time these suggestions will works every time.

• Break up with her. Problem solved.
• Say, “BEEP BEEP BEEP” every time she backs up.
• Stop eating. After about two weeks, say “I recently lost ten pounds by deciding not to eat whenever I saw you eating. Now it’s your turn.”
• Any time when you’re lying together, pretend to be fooling around and tickle or poke her in her fatty areas and say “poke” (because girls love that sort of shit). Do this subtlety and repeatedly until she gets paranoid and says, “Leave my fat alone.” Then you say, “Oh I love your fat.” Repeat that method until she says, “Do you think I’ve put on weight?” Shrug and say, “Maybe a little, but I wouldn’t have noticed.” Quickly change subject and have sex. Repeat this interaction until she’s sufficiently paranoid and gets off her chocolate filled ass and loses the weight.
• Ask her, “Honey, are you pregnant?”
• Tell her you think she’s lost weight.
• Say, “Hey baby you sure are getting ugly.”
• Say, “Did you pick up the wrong dry cleaning, because I could swear these aren’t your clothes.”
• Don’t brush your teeth and then wait for her to break up with you.
• Ask, “Did your clothes shrink?”
• Claim that you are feeling fat yourself, and that you want to lose some weight. She’ll probably propose you both trying to lose weight together; bla bla bla. Note this obligates you to lose weight too, so it might not be the best.
• Write it down on a piece of paper and show it to her. What? You’re not actually “saying it”.
• Don’t tell her she’s fat. Just start going to the gym and ask her to go with you.
• Follow these steps:
  1. Buy delicious cake
  2. Eat all of cake yourself
  3. Leave some crumbs
  4. Ask her, “Did you eat all this delicious cake?”
  5. When she says “no” point at her fat and say “I think you might have.”
  6. Then run like the wind.
• Frequently buy her clothes in the size you’d like her to be and give it to her as a present.

Future Article: My boyfriend is subtly trying to tell me I’m fat. How should I subtly tell him that I’m cheating on his ass with his best friend?

Peeing in the sink

When it comes to peeing, its great to be a male. Ladies (and fellows with a micro-penis) purse their lips at men’s blithe attitude toward convenience when it comes to answering nature’s call. We’re so crass, rude, disgusting. Right.

You’re just fucking envious. And well you should be. It is indescribably wondrous portaging a permanently attached watering hose. Witness ‘Man, Peeing in Garden’, the epitome of casualness. Few, if any, locations are off-limits when the urge is felt: parking garage, deck, the sink…simply too many nouns to list. Still, while decorum is abused, discretion is not–more on this point in a moment.

Oh sure, many a woman has pee’d outside of the pot, though strictly as a matter of urgency and with much reluctance and with great angst. There is no female example of ‘whipping it out.’ In fact, yours is a complete show. You fret about the location, the preparation, the sundries, minimizing dribble ‘christ almighty’ it’s a fifteen minute ordeal. Men can sort of relate to your dilemma, like when we need to poop and there’s no bathroom in sight.

Anyway, I pee in the sink. I’ve been peeing into bathroom sinks for years. Convenience is my primary reason. But there are many very good reasons to pee in a sink. A few among them:

I can multitask, which is important to me: both my hands are free to brush teeth, comb hair, apply hygiene products, etc. I’ve never done and empirical study, but I am certain in my gut that cumulative hours are saved annually by peeing in the sink.

It’s environmentally conscientious. I conserve water when I pee in the sink. As I wash my hands or rinse my toothbrush, my pee is carried through the p-trap down into the sanitary line. Toilet, sink; as George Castanza explained, “It’s all pipes!”

It’s the “green” thing to do. By peeing on dried toothpaste, solidified lungers, loose hair, and other lingering yuckiness stuck inside the sink, I save still more water and reduce phosphates and other nasty chemicals that might otherwise have been used to clean the sink.
It’s considerate. Regardless whether my girlie is sleeping, watching television, reading in silence, I do not disturb her with a cacophonous serenade of “man-peeing-into-toilet-then-flushing”. Peeing into a sink is very quiet.

It’s clean. There is no toilet water splash nor urine splatter on walls, seat or in the crannies of the commode. Here I bandy the duel argument of “less work” (by not scrubbing said surfaces after each use) and, consequently, “more green” (requires less use of environmentally harmful cleaning chemicals). Pee is, for the most part, sterile when it hits the sink, so no need to use expensive disinfectant. Thus I submit another good, albeit tenuous, reason I pee in the sink: it saves money.

It builds “relationship equity”. The seat is always down, which appears to my girlie as sublimely considerate and one those “little things” I do for her. This manifests, somehow, in better sex.

It’s hygienic. After my stream has diminished to a trickle, I splash a handful or two of water on my dick, thus washing it. I have a clean dick and I put my dick up against the dick of any “traditional” toilet user for some quantitative dick evaluation; eg.: stiff test, taste test. Rub my dick against glass and it squeaks.

I can think of violently few disadvantages to peeing in a sink. Off the top of my head:

• peeing into a sink after eating asparagus is very unpleasant;
• fishing a contact lens out of the sink while “multitasking” is disturbing; and,
• reflexive tumescence may result from the splash of overly cold or hot water, which can have messy consequences.

I confess that a lifetime of casually whipping it out and lettin’ go when and wherever has caused my “Emergency Pee Shut Off” muscle, assuming it ever existed, to atrophy. Richard Pryor was correct that a man cannot cut off his stream “just like that”.

I am aware that this technique d’avant garde might offend the eyeballs of an accidental witness, so I always exercise discretion when I pee in the sink. That said, peeing in the sink is so routine for me that I am complacent, and I never thought up a contingency plan should someone walk in on me.

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