Instructions for giving a cat a pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut and count to ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler in mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot.

12. Ring fire department to retrieve cat from telephone poll across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13′ Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by the furniture store on the way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to find a new home for cat and ring the local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Top ten things to do when bored at work

10.Sneak furtive glances at the potted hydrangea that is always staring at you in the corner. Give it a wink. It knows it wants it.

9.Take your housemate’s choices off of the Netflix queue. He hasn’t paid his $7.99/mo. share since July, anyway. Asshole.

8.Get that piece of General Tso’s chicken that’s been stuck somewhere between your back molar and your wisdom tooth since lunch. Make sure you use your hand that has been wrapped around your germ-covered mouse all day.

7.Get your office cohorts addicted to checking the ‘Missed Connections’ postings on craigslist. Then creep them out by writing very specific MCs exposing the fact that you stare at their eyebrows over the top of your computer monitor everyday. For long hours. And that you might love them. Make it very, very obvious who you are.

6.Practice your dream of an ambidextrous existence by typing with your wrists crossed over one another.

5.Buck up, and don’t be afraid to dream of a brighter, not-too-distant future! A place where the 2″ brads shine like the polished dome of Solomon’s Temple, and your cute little office tchatchkes displaying your unique personality are plated in sheets of divine platinum. Boy, wouldn’t that ALF action figure look smart then!

4.Go out! Take a break! Get some fresh air! Go to the drug store! Buy some Twizzlers Pull’n Peels! Go back to your office! Take a Pull’n Peel and tie it into a knot! See how long it takes for your unique confectionary sculptures to obtain a shell with the resistance temperament of alabaster!

3.Man, I gotta go grab a smoke.

2.Wonder how difficult it would actually be to masturbate at your desk.

1.Weep. Oh so quietly weep.

Skid etiquette

Now I can’t generalize about all males out there, so please don’t be offended if you don’t fit into the group I’m about to describe. Okie dokie, let’s have a little chat about skids. Skids? Yes, skids, ya know, the brown residue left in your underwear after busting ass, OR inefficient wiping of the anal region? I’m sure you fellas aren’t the proudest when you walk out of the bathroom, shit-stained underwear and all….afterall, what kind of man are you if you can’t even wipe your own ass decently? Not only are you embarassed by your new brown little secret, but everyone else in a 5ft radius of you also knows you did a shit job of wiping (quite literally). But that’s not even the worst of it. You boyfriends and husbands who get your ladies to do the laundry- yes we know it was you who had a bad bathroom day, not only by the smell radiating off of you, but by the actual proof: not-so-whitie tighties or crusted poop residue on the ass seam of your boxers. Do us all a favor and take the necessary steps of cleaning up your mess. Better yet, how about you prevent the brown underwear devil itself. The following is a list I’ve come up with to help you with your problem:

1. wiping position- I will bet you 10 bucks that skids only happen to dudes who try the standing-up wipe. IT DOESN’T WORK. You need to be sitting down with those ass cheeks spread to have access to the most ass surface area. Standing up to do it may get you outta the bathroom quicker, but a hefty price (aka massive skids)

2. wiping technique- It’s pretty self explanatory, but I’ll discuss it incase you weren’t paying attention in Potty Training 101. When you wipe, you continue to do so until there is no brown left on the TP. Yes that means you’ll officially be called a “looker”, but it’s the lookers who have the cleanest asses, so suck it up and just look. There is no way to gauge the progress of wiping just by the feel, and even though it’s fuckin weird to look at your shit, ya gotta do it!

3. avoiding the infamous clog- I know some of you don’t like to use too much TP for fear of clogging the toilet (it’s just as bad as being shit stained). Here’s a lil technique that’ll ease those fears: depending on how big your shit was, you’ve got a good 3-5 wipes before you’ll need to flush. Don’t sweat it if you’re on wipe 5 and you’re barely seeing a decrease in poop on your TP. There’s nothing wrong with multiple flushes. It is time consuming, but well worth it.

4. get to the bathroom when you first feel the poop urge- Holding your poop back (aka butt cheek squeezing) will work sometimes, but don’t always bank on it. For hard poop, I give you the green light to hold it sometimes, but don’t make it a habit. Soft poop, well that’s a gamble, so it’s your call. Watery poop should NEVER NEVER NEVER be held back because as many of you probably already know, it can get thru even the tightest of clenched cheeks. All in all, it’s just better to go when you’re body tells you, even if it’ll inconvienience you.

5. bring back-up underwear with you- for those just starting out with trying to avoid/prevent skids, it’s wise to bring an extra pair of underwear to work (keep them in your car or desk). If you soil your pants, you’ll have fresh ones awaiting you. What to do with your soiled pants? You have a few choices:
a). Leave them right next to the stall, no one will ever know it was you
(don’t flush them, you’ll end up with a clog). Plus what a laugh you’ll
give the guys at work, all joking about the poor dude who messed his
pants!
b). Take them home with you and throw them out of the window while driving.
That’ll certainly give the road clean-up crew something to smile about.
c). Use them them as revenge for someone in the office you hate. Imagine the
look on their face when they open their desk drawer and find them.
Alternately, attatching them to someones car antenna will work too.

6. do your own laundry- If you happen to have a bad day in the defecating dept.,
simply do your own laundry so that us girlfriends/wives don’t even know. Plus you doing your own laundry MAY win you some brownie points :)

I think that about covers it. Now go out and fight the good fight.

*BTW- chics don’t get skids, because we already know all of this stuff :)

The Ultimate Guide to Breakups

You can smell it coming. Your paramour has left an ominous message on your voicemail. S/he wants to talk. Perhaps you have been invited to meet him somewhere public. Maybe she’s cancelled a date, and is meeting you at your place instead. But you’re not an idiot and you can anticipate what’s next: your ass is about to get dumped. C’est la vie.

Here is your foolproof guide to navigating your breakup. Follow these simple directions and I can guarantee a minimum of stress and heartbreak. If you desire, this technique will ensure your probability of reconciliation is maximized. Want her back? Listen well:

On the day you get the news, listen very calmly. Say as little as possible. You will probably hear some BS like, “It’s not you – it’s me” or “I just need some space for a while” or “let’s still be friends”… blah blah blah. Do not argue. Accept everything s/he says. S/he may become emotional. Make no move to comfort him or her. When s/he has finished, do not linger. Say goodbye and leave. If you are in your own home, show him or her the door. A chaste hug is OK, but under NO circumstances should you offer or accept a goodbye kiss, a final quickie, or any of that shit. If you’re at a restaurant, do not hang around to split the tab: guys – pay the bill and leave. Ladies – just bail. There is no need to be sterile or brusque, by all means be courteous and kind. Understanding even. But wait until your (now) ex is out of earshot to cry like a bitch.

If you get the news over the phone (ouch), the same rules apply. Just hang up.

If you get a voice/email message, DO NOT respond. Chances are a relationship that ends electronically can’t be salvaged, but don’t make things worse by taking the bait.

The bad news is, this is the hard part. The good news is, this is the part of the Ultimate Guide to Breakups over which you have the most control. It is the centerpiece of the method, and your stamina during this phase will determine your success later on. Want the secret? Here is is:

DO NOTHING.

At first you will be sad. Possibly very sad. Get out of the house. Distract yourself. Hang out with your friends – preferably the ones your ex doesn’t know too well, because s/he will be checking up on you. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you contact your ex. For anything.

Chances are after a few days s/he will contact you, “just to see how you’re doing.” Do not respond. Let it go to voicemail. Don’t call back. Delete the email. It’s that simple. It’ll be hard, but hang in there. Don’t let your curiosity get the best of you. You are under no obligation to respond to someone who has kicked you to the curb.

Maybe you’ve been together for a while and s/he has left personal items in your home. This is the only circumstance under which it’s ok to respond. Wait at least 24 hours before you reply. Tell your ex that you will FedEx his/her stuff. Pay for the fastest method you can afford. If s/he insists upon picking it up, leave it someplace safe and make sure you’re NOT there when s/he arrives. Make your interaction courteous and brief. Get off the phone as quickly as possible.

If you do not receive a call within a month, you probably won’t get a call until s/he drunk dials you many years from now. Move on.

The sooner s/he calls you after dumping you, however, the better your chances are for reconciliation. Again, do not call back. Stay tough. You are now in control of the situation.

The sooner the first post-breakup call comes, the more calls/texts/emails you will likely receive. DO NOT RESPOND to any of them… yet. In these modern times you may also be privy to his/her evocative facebook updates, blog posts, reality TV show episodes, whathaveyou. Make no contact. If you absolutely must be in the same place at the same time, try to look fit and happy and surrounded yourself with people s/he doesn’t know.

Right around this time (unless you were dumped for someone else) your ex is beginning to experience the downside of singleness. S/he may be feeling lonely and horny, and start wondering if s/he made the right choice. That is exactly what you want. Let him/her fucking stew in it. Your patience will be rewarded.

By now, your ex is curious about you. Maybe s/he’s even been seeing some new people. But the fact that you have made a clean break with such poise will be a blow to the ego. Remember, the opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference. S/he will be thinking, “Was I really so easy to get over?” and “Gee – maybe it really WAS me.” If you’ve done this right, you will receive a call (or email) inviting you to “hang out.” Perhaps the tone will be casual, perhaps it will be desperate. Either way, congratulations for getting this far. The ball is now in your court.

Proceed carefully from here. Eagerness could lead to a booty call, but little more. Ask yourself: what do I want? If you want to resume a relationship, wait 48-72 hours before responding. Say you’re unavailable at the time your ex suggests, but recommend another meeting time at least a week in the future. You name the place. From here on out, everything is on your terms.

Let nature take its course. If your ex is ready to give it another shot, s/he will be dressed like it’s a first date. If the sexual tension is palpable, you may choose to knock boots and sort out the details in the sticky afterglow. If you can contain yourself, feign trepidation and ask him/her to meet you again – also in a place you select. Build anticipation. Make him/her work for it. If executed correctly, your ex will be so grateful to have you back s/he will be on his/her very best behavior, possibly for years to come.

Repeat as necessary.

Sleeping with roommates

So, the first five rules of shared housing go:

1. Pay your goddamn bills.
2. Pull your weight, slacker.
3. Be polite to your roommates, assface.
4. Don’t be a “hole.” Don’t even move in if you aren’t going to be any more fun than an empty hole.
5. And don’t sleep with your roommates.

Your roommates might seem like legitimate prospects, but that is incorrect. They are taboo. Most people know this instinctively, as it’s not so long since we were all village-dwelling spear-shaking savages. But if the modern mind requires logical arguments, then, for example: if it goes bad, one of you is going to have to move. Duh. Relationship-development-wise, it means going from 0 to living together instantly. Not smart. And most likely you’re just doing it because it’s convenient, which indicates you have no life, no friends to fix you up, no social skills to meet someone in the real life you don’t have, you can’t even get a date online, and you are a pathetic loser.

Bearing all that in mind, I am here today to say that Sleeping With Your Roommate ROCKS!!!

It is oooohhhh sooooooo convenient. Oh my is it convenient. Your roommate/fuckbuddy comes home, wanders into your room like the average friendly roommate, and then you’re fucking! Then when you’re done, you’re already home! Rm/fby can go off to their own space, in their own home, and realign their coiff or whatever they need to do. Meanwhile you’re back in your own room peacefully enjoying the afterglow/getting back to your Web surfing/whatever.

The quality of the afterglow is superb. Your warm fuzzy is not messed up by having to pull your pants on and go out into the cold hard world, nor by having to cuddle with your partner when you’d rather contemplate alone, nor by feeling abandoned when your cuddle-partner gets up and leaves. They’re still right there in the house, so with only a very little mental discipline you can feel exactly as alone as you want.

Which illustrates the really key core excellence of Sleeping With Your Roommate: ambiguity. You can, to a remarkable extent, see exactly what you want in this inkblot. Roommate with benefits? Non-platonic friend? Fuckbuddy? Girlfriend/boyfriend? Live-in partner? It’s all there.

Even better, you don’t even have to be consistent. One day it can be throw-down porn-star sex (for you), next it can be “I think I want to have kids with this person” (in your mind). And you don’t have to specify, because you do the exact same thing either way.

Believe me, it’s fantastic.

Ass cleaning tips

I have mastered the art of cleaning my stool hall and I want to share it with you losers who simply lather your wash cloth with some soap and do a quick reach around..THAT WILL NOT CLEAN YOUR ASS!!!! You need to spend at least 5 minutes in that area to have maximun cleanage. How would you feel if you were a girl/guy and while you were licking some guys sausage you get a nice whiff of some anal grease and dingleberries from a soft textured turd that required about 12 wipes in the public restroom? You think it’s clean but it is NOT!!! Here are some tips:

Tip 1: After dropping the fecal children off at the pool, you can either use some babywipes (my personal favorite) or you can use a technique I learned from an ex-girlfriend of mine, you wet the toilet paper and proceed to wipe front-to-back, NOT back-to-front. You risk sliding some of the grease beneath your ball sack which creates another problem. This only applies to those who do not get what is called a perfect excrement session aka..”A Clean Break” to where the ca-ca breaks off completely and all you have to do is wipe the water off your gluteus after the initial plop.

Tip 2: Shave the hair off around your rectal, nuts and butt crack. This is just common knowledge, if you dont you risk piling up a weeks worth of dingleberries and in rare occasions, creation of shit dreadlocks to where the ca-ca firmly laminates itself to the ass hair and it twists together as you walk. This is more likely to happen to those who wear boxers because of the free “airflow” and those who dont shower often because you give the poop time to dry up like cement.

Tip 3: Jump into a public pool or spa. This is just as effective as a shower or even better because you get maximum “soakage” and it requires less work such and combats lazy reach arounds in the shower. Believe it or not, that is the only useful purpose for public pools, I think of them as gigantic bathtubs that goggle up loose ass hairs, dingleberries and makes a great place to take a quick pee. If I find myself in that situation, I just jump in the pool on one end, pee then swim to the other end, do a couple quick 360′s under water then jump out the shallow side and dry off.

Tip 4: Go to the beach and be a good samaritan, jump into the ocean and “feed the fish”, fish LOVE dung, I have 2 goldfish and they are always sucking eachothers doo-doo holes. Get a nice, salty ass treatment. For those of you who gets bumps after shaving your pubes or ass, this is a great to dry those up. Just simply go out past the waves a bit, however, dont be too obvious if you are going to release some bait into the ocean. Flop around a bit, move around because if you sit still people will become suspicious and besides the poop might float up to the surface quickly. Fish will love you for it!

Tip 5: Woman love to get manicures and pedicures, I call this the “assicure” It has a meaningful name Ass I Cure, it’s self explanitory..yes, it is up to you to cure that hideous ass smell and here is how you do it in the shower. Pamper yourself, get the water luke warm and try to get the shower nozzle to propel the water quickly. Begin by turning in the opposite direction of the shower, about 180 degrees to where the nozzle in shooting directly down your ass crack. Position yourself at a 90 degree angle, butt up nice and high, reach around and spread your butt cheeks and let the water do its magic. The object is to really clean out the crevices of your brown eye, wedged up about a 1/4 inch of the butthole is some fecal matter that masks itself like a bat in a cave. This will allow the water to loosen it up for the wash cloth lathering. The next step is to lather your wash cloth with some bodywash or soap bar. Reach around and scrub it good, go ahead and wrap the towel around a finger of choice (i use my middle finger) and put that finger up your asshole and move it around in a circular motion. Go ahead and scrub nice and good up the butt crack to make sure you get all the grease. After you are done, rinse well then repeat step 1.

ADDITIONAL NOTE: Putting your finger in your ass doesnt make you gay, it might burn a bit. For those guys who insist on having anal sex with their girlfriends all the time, if you think one finger hurts, go ahead and use two fingers and see how it feels. It feels like a massive shit you take in the morning after a night of drinking and eating the 4 slices of jalepeno pepper pizza.

That is all for now party people, hope this hass been insightful

Please, Men, Learn To Kiss

After making a careful survey, consisting of a number of men whose company I enjoy, I’ve come to the very sad conclusion that men just don’t know how to kiss. Kissing is important, guys, and a really key part of convincing a girl that you’re fun to be with.

What’s the key difference between those good-looking guys out there that aren’t getting any, and those rather plain guys that have several girls sighing and swooning after them? It’s pretty simple, the way I see it. It’s the kiss. It seems to me that guys either don’t know how to kiss, or just don’t care to do it right. Too many men seem to view the kiss as something on a checklist on the way to getting a girl into bed. Well, I’ve got news for you guys – the way you kiss can make all the difference between “Take me now” and “Take off, ya jerk.”

I guess I consider myself a bit of a kissing aficionado. I like kissing, and I like being well-kissed. Sadly, that doesn’t happen often. In the last two years, I’ve kissed eight men (and I won’t tell you how many before that). One was really good at kissing, and I could smooch with him for hours. Another was pretty good – I was really sad when our make-out session ended. All the other kisses were something I tolerated, even endured. One guy, I kid you not, had two steps – press open mouth to hers, stick tongue out as far as possible. Yuck! Trust me, the last thing a girl wants is somebody’s mushy wet open mouth laving drool all over her mouth and chin. Think about it – do you really want a woman to associate the words ‘soft’ and ‘mushy’ with you?

The first key to a good kiss is your attitude. The kiss is not some golden base to be raced to, but neither is it simply a minor step on the way to more. If done correctly, a kiss will send your lady’s heart racing, make her breath uneven, and have her dragging you to the bedroom. A kiss should never be rushed, and should never be just unloaded like a suitcase at the door. A good kiss will be an exercise in teasing – holding up the promise of that little bit more, until she’s practically begging for your touch.

Before your lips ever touch, take some time to build up to a good kiss. You don’t want to spring it on her like some unpleasantness to be gotten out of the way. The kiss starts with your hands, not your mouth. Touch her. Hold her hand. Rub her arm, if she likes it. Rub her shoulders, if she likes that. This gives you an excuse to be close to her, and leads her to anticipate your kiss. And don’t kiss her as soon as you think you can get away with it, or turn a quick hug into a guerrilla smooch. You’ll know when she’s ready – she’ll turn to face you, and perhaps bare her neck to you – that’s because she’s turning her head to an angle, even if she doesn’t know it. And she’ll lean toward you, trying to line it up. At least the first time, ignore it. Play with her hair or run your finger along her jawline. Move up close. If you’ll listen, her breathing will be shallow and quick, if she’s really concentrating on kissing you. Take a moment to enjoy the pleasant way she smells, or how soft the skin is on her cheek.

And whatever you do, don’t yet open your mouth. A proper kiss starts with lips closed, pursed even. There’s no reason it should start lip to lip, either. Remember appreciating the soft skin of her cheek? It’s soft because it’s meant to be kissed. The corner of her mouth is soft, too – kiss there. You’ve chased her to get to this point – let her chase you a little. Kiss anywhere except where she expects you to, at least three touches, maybe more. Then kiss lip to lip – and still with your mouth closed. There’s no hurry – eventually let your tongue steal out and just barely brush her lips. If she’s ready for a more open kiss, she’ll open and respond in kind. Let her invite you inside – don’t go barging in, guys – it’s not your house. And invite her to follow you back home, so to speak. There’s no bonus points for counting each others’ back teeth. Finesse is what it’s all about.

Now there’s some variation here that you have to consider. Some people prefer soft kisses, almost mushy. Warm and moist and soft, like pillows. Others lean toward tighter lips and firmer kisses, or somewhere between the two extremes. If you sense her lips getting really tight, you’re too mushy. And if she goes really soft, you’re probably so firm you’re hurting her. Adjust until you’re both on the same level. Everyone will have a difference place where they feel comfortable – every couple will be different.

Another thing to thing about ahead of time is taste. Everyone knows to avoid the onions before kissing. But don’t just avoid a bad taste – go for the good taste! Try some chocolate, or some minty gum. One of the best kisses I ever experienced was with a man who was drinking red wine. I was drinking something else, and when I tasted him… mmm…. Go for a pleasant taste that contrasts nicely.

If you start your kiss with some anticipation, and build it slowly, paying attention to cues from her – short shallow breaths, trembling limbs, whatever – you’ll have her attention. Take the time to tease a little – hold back what she really wants for just a moment longer, kiss around her mouth, make her take the aggressive stance. If you’re having trouble being patient, make a competition of it – can you make her break it off first? If you can, she’ll be breaking it off to move on to more athletic activities.

Help for the Ladies; One Guy’s Advice

Recently I have been noticing some of the women I know complaining that they can’t attract the type of man they want. This always bothers me because, to me, the answer is so simple. To help the ladies out, I have devised my own 4 step plan to achieving you male pursuing goals. Mind you, this is not to say that MEN couldn’t improve themselves, and don’t need multiple lists of their own, but such a discussion should be, I would think, written by a female instead.

So, feel free to chime in on, or disagree with, any point in your comments, but please make your critique more intelligent than “fuck you, male pig” or the like, especially if you haven’t read the whole thing.

The Four Things Women Can Do To Get Guys:

1. Exercise.
Run, bike, swim, go to the gym, something. Far too many women today try radical diets, some involving “all protein” eating habits, that are, realistically, not working. The first law of thermodynamics states (paraphrased): energy in must equal energy out. This means that if you eat 1800 calories a day, you MUST burn off 1800 calories a day as well; otherwise you WILL store the excess. And jogging on a treadmill until you are a bit uncomfortable is NOT exercising. Exercising should be uncomfortable and sweaty—possibly nauseating at times. If you are wearing makeup, you aren’t working hard enough.

Furthermore, by exercising you: raise your metabolism and propensity for burning calories faster; get in better cardiovascular shape which is healthier for your body and leads to better stamina; improve your self-image–causing you to feel good about yourself, your accomplishment of working out consistently, and give you more self confidence. This last piece is probably the most important aspect. EVERYONE feels better about themselves when they look good and feel good, and this will cause your overall attitude to improve, know it or not. This is a very attractive trait for any male.

The persona of a person who exercises is also more attractive because it speaks to a certain level of dedication, energy, and aggressiveness. Being a hippopotamus isn’t attractive, granted, but worse is she who is completely lazy.

2. Don’t smoke.
We get it. You were 15, pissed at the world, and a cooler than the average bear in grammar school. While there are likely some guys that still see smoking as rebellious and kinky, there is a HUGE portion who finds it tacky and gross. You don’t have to agree with me, but if you decide to smoke, you are automatically excluded all of those men from your potential pool who do. The rub of it is, the men who dislike smoking are going to be, generally, in better shape, healthier, and more active and athletic people—three things women claim to want in a man, typically.

The smell of smoke also attaches to your clothing, so if you want to use the “I’ll just chew gum so my breath won’t stink” defense, think again. It won’t work. Smoke attaches to your hair and apartment furnishings too, two things you can’t mask with gum either. Think I am wrong? Poll 10 male friends who don’t smoke and ask them if they would rather date a woman who smells like burning diapers, or chocolate chip cookies. No contest.

3. Eat.
Men are creatures driven by very simple urges. Sex is the number two most powerful urge; hunger is the first. To properly prime for number two, you must first resolve the primary urge. That being said, men like a woman who appreciates food as much as they do. If you are out to dinner and you are ordering nothing but a pair of saltine crackers, there is something wrong, in the man’s eyes, because how could you not want to satisfy such a basic need? Woman who don’t eat, or who are exceedingly picky about food are not only troubling, they are annoying and are never looked at favorable for it. This does not mean that you have to gorge yourself, but you should have an appreciation for a dinner if it is ordered or cooked for you as the man you have your eye on undoubtedly does.

This also goes hand in hand with the exercising point earlier. A woman who exercises NEEDS food; You are supplying a working body with the fuel it requires. And again, a woman who is not eating is likely doing it for a lack of confidence about her own self image, a characteristic which is fatal in the eyes of a male.

Eating is a social activity, too. It’s one of the ways guys can show affection for each other without is being “unmanly.” Why the hell do you think bar-b-ques are so great for a group of guys? Men can bond over the smoldering remains of meat and fire. If a woman is not eating, she is not being social–to a guy’s way of thinking, and that is no fun.

4. Laugh.
More accurately it should say: have a sense of humor. You might be the hottest girl this side of the Mississippi, but if you are no fun to talk to or hang out with, you aren’t going to get the man you want. This doesn’t mean that you have to laugh falsely at everything a guy says, or even take an interest, but being overly sensitive to political correctness, never acknowledging a risqué comment in jest, or never having a witty remark of your own is social death. It’s no fun to be around someone like that.

You know the reason that your shorter, less attractive, hugely sarcastic friend has no trouble talking to and getting the interest of men? It’s the sarcasm part. A funny, sarcastic, average girl is vastly more attractive than a hot, boring, snooty one. Period. Why? Humor shows intellect, and believe it or not, men don’t mind a woman is bright enough to entertain him. Humor shows edge, character, and gets boring far less quickly.

So there. Not very complicated, but extremely results oriented. I hope I have helped some eager woman, because after all, by helping the women, I am helping the men too.

Warning to my new girlfriend

You have just expressed to me in an email that you “cannot wait to see what the future holds for us.” I want to tell you, but my ability to communicate candidly has dwindled due to eleven years of masturbating silently in the bedroom next to my parents.

As for that which awaits us in the future, I can only base my hypothesis on past experiences, so please bear with me.

If memory serves me right, for six to eight months we will be in love and enjoy great times: sex will be extraordinary, travel will be adventurous, and longing will fill our hearts. Following that blissful period, I will start to get restless. I will pick out something that I dislike about you and focus on it until it consumes me. I will cease cooking for you, I will loathe sleeping next to you, and I will be mean to your animals. Then, I will psychologically dismantle you.

First, I will drop hints about your eating habits, and I will always eat salad in front of you to encourage the same. I will exercise more, and challenge you to competitive sports such as basketball and tennis where I will further demean you and belittle your sense of worth.

Second, I will begin to alienate your friends. One by one, I will single them out after too much wine, embarrass them, hurt their feelings, and/or make them stop seeing us together. Usually, this happens fairly quickly, and they will try to convince you to leave me, but you won’t be able to since you “love” me and “know that I am a better person than that.”

And the worst part is it is true; I was much nicer and more polite. However, that was before I became fixated on whatever it is that I am focusing on. In the past it has been a labia (major), misshaped earlobes, and scruffy chin hair. But, since you have none of these, I will have to look hard to pick something out about you that I hate. So maybe we’ll last for nine or ten months…, who knows?

Anyway, third, as if the first and second attempts to get you to leave me weren’t enough, I will stop calling and see you only reluctantly. Unless, however, I have been at happy hour too long and the waitress was young and hot; then I may have to come over and tap your ass while thinking of her. I shall remain true to my word, though, and I will not cheat on you. But I will think about infidelity a lot, and I will remind you of it when I do see you. This could go on for months, but hopefully you will see through my veiled attempts at hating you and break up with me before it gets too bad. The last three weren’t so successful.

So, my dear, while presently I may be the well-mannered, loving, caring, and endearing “Baltimoron” that you love so deeply and cherish so much, it is fleeting. Or at least it has been.

I hope this pattern does not repeat itself. I really don’t want to hurt you. At 28, it is time for me to consider actually allowing someone to love me and care for me. Further, I may want to impregnante you so that I can’t leave.

Damn Catholic school…

I love you, too (for now?).

Going Down

I consider myself a lover of oral and like many of the posters here. Getting a great blow job is one of the best feelings in the world, so loving, so relaxing, such a nice feeling to recieve such pleasure. That being said, there is nothing I like better than going down on a sexy girl.

I love love love getting girls off, and I think the fact that I have been in several LTRs has really helped me gather some pretty good tricks of the trade.
{smile}

First of all, I tease a girl to death before I go NEAR her clit. I repeat, stay away form the clit! Focus on her tits, neck, ears, stomache, illiac crest, I use my hands as well as my mouth (I also have a goatee). I love that nook where the leg meets the vagina absolutely sexy! much like the neck. I lick and suck gently not eagerly but teasingly, all around her vagaina, explore the folds, the hole (with your tongue only at this point) run your tongue down to her knee and back up around the belly button. Spending even a small time teasing will save you time in the end. DO NOT seem anxious or in a hurry no matter how excited you are. You’ll know that you really have them going when they are arching and trying to grind the air before you even touch their clit.

Once I do begin to lick their pussy I start with soft wet long licks from top to bottom, focusing more on the clit as I go along, softly, slowly, circling. It took me a long time to realize that being patient will save you so much work. Try not to “flick” or “smack” her clit or vagina, from my experience it is more annoying than anything. I alternate between touching her with my tongue only and using my whole mouth and lips to suck, the variety is key.

If you’re doing this right her clit should begin to get harder and poke out a bit, I test her sensitivity by sucking lightly and judging her reaction. Once I have her preference figured out I begin to tease her with my fingers. If you can’t tell what she likes, freaking ask her if it feels good or not! Don’t be a dumbass and assume!

Now for the fingers…..

There is the most special spot right inside the hole on the top. I know you’re thinking it’s the g-spot which is a little further inside and is kind of rough and spongy. No, I’m tallking about the really smooth part at the very opening, it’s really small and soft an sensitive and perfect for teasing. Since I have discovered this spot every girl since then has commented that I knew where it was. I play with it by rubbing it and aplying pressure until she is trying to fuck my finger deeper inside her, again teasing her until she needs it. Once I have her practically begging to be penetrated, I slide my finger deep and hold it there, letting her fuck my hand. As a side note, I only use one finger, if you get the girl excited enough one finger is all you need, plus it will make your dick feel even bigger once you fuck her and yes I am fucking that tight hole when I am done making you cum with my mouth.

I insert my finger all the way, mind you I am still using my tongue on her clit and surrounding area, alternating speed and pressure based on her reactions. I begin to finger her slowly and rythmically, gauging her response. If you are doing everything right, you will feel her pussy begin to get puffy and full especially on the top near the opening. Viola! The G-Spot is coming to life! Angle your finger to apply pressure to this area, it IS NOT about the in and out! It’s about the pressure. Sometimes I keep my fingers stiff and still and let her grind her G-Spot on my finger, amazing orgasms this way! Especially if she can stand having her clit sucked.

Once you have her at this point, she is all yours, you have her right where you want her, alternate sucking and licking her clit while you massage her g spot, again, make her want it, beg for it, be patient not aggressive. When she cums do not stop, let her finish which can take longer than you think….When she done, simply start over…..light touches and licks and stay away from the clit until she is ready. If she is anything like the girls I’ve been with, you could make her cum again and again, and the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th orgasms are much easier to make happen.

Have fun!

Oh, and don’t forget to tell her how much you love licking her pussy!

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