Improper Blowjob Technique

This is really becoming ridiculous. I am tired of hooking up with attractive women who, though they have been on this Earth for two to three decades, don’t have the first idea on how to properly smoke a pole. This is especially egregious when I have just spent 30-60 minutes getting excited bewteen their beautiful, tender thighs taking orders (and my arms, neck and tongue are now completely numb, stiff and/or have pins and needles) and I’ve let them smoke a generous helping of my good weed.

In addition to my keys, wallet, cell phone, guitar picks, and condoms, I now carry a yellow hankerchief on my person at all times. I also have one stored just underneath my futon. The next time I begin to receive another piss poor blowjob, I am going to yank the woman’s head from my member, stand up, put on a black and white stripped shirt I recently purchased, throw the yellow hankerchief into the air and bellow the following in a loud voice so that all within at least 25 feet can hear me:

“We have multiple infractions on the play. Personal foul, on the offense, tugging, pulling, sucking and slopping on my penis in reckless disregard of whether or not I may actually be enjoying myself. Illegal touching, using teeth on my member and stroking it well below my dickhead, where the penis is not one bit sesitive in any way, except in a woman’s misinformed imagination. The player is EJECTED!”

There will be no further review of my ruling.

You will then be so taken aback by this display of me standing naked (except for my black and white stripped shirt, and probably my socks) and gesticulating along with my announcement that you will promptly leave my bedroom to the chuckles of both myself and my roomates, never to return. (Unless I’m THAT wasted and no one else is around. Or you just want anal.)

If you are in need of pointers, read on. Otherwise, have a nice day.

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First, (assuming the man is on his back) take the pole into your hand and pull it straight up into the air. Don’t pull it too far back- if it breaks off, there is certainly going to be some trouble and you may find yourself charged with negligent manslaughter after I bleed to death.

Firmly gripping the base of the shaft with one hand, then place your ENTIRE mouth around the upright penis and slowly suck to an area AT LEAST 1″-2″ inches below the dickhead. This is where the penis is most sensitive. If you concentrate exclusively on the dickhead, it will be too sensitive and the BJ will be more torture than pleasure. Avoid this, especially if you don’t want me to keep sucking on your clit after you come in my mouth and you are writhing atop my bed because of the sensitivity.

After my stiff 7″ (actually, 6.8″, but if you are experienced enough to tell the difference you must be carrying at least 2 diseases and you shouldn’t be in my bedroom) has been sufficiently made wet by your mouth slowly moving up and down my pole, it’s time to introduce the hand into the equation.

You instinctively put your hand over your mouth to project your voice to distances over 20 yards away in the event of emergency, such as, “Hey! That fucking dickhead from the Parking Authority who just earned his GED is about to write you a ticket for double-parking while you bring your groceries into your apartment!” Use the same technique here- place your hand over your mouth, just between your lips and nose, and continue to suck! Both your hand and soft lips are now gliding up and down my dickhead and shaft, providing me with indescrible pleasure. (If not for this, I wouldn’t be hanging out with you in the first place.)

Now DON’T actually yell out while my blessed member is in your mouth (especially to someone from the Parking Authority) but note that the excitement could be increased even further if you would moan and purr like you are enjoying my cock more than that box of chocolates that you keep dipping into despite your vow to be on your tenth straight diet. (It doesn’t matter if you actually ARE enjoying it- sometimes licking your snatch is like licking the inside of someone’s nose with a sinus infection, yet I don’t complain.)

Do NOT- I repeat, NOT- ever stroke the cock where the shaft meets the balls. There is absolutely no sensitivity in that area. Your hand properly belongs over your mouth. Even worse is when a woman starts pulling on the scrotum in that area, thinking you might enjoy it. How about I try pulling your ears from your face? It would be just as sexually pleasureable.

If your technique is proper, most men will be morphed into a two-minute tiger. The cock will stiffen within minutes to a degree greater than the body of the City’s 231st shooting victim of the year down at the morgue. Ejaculation is now imminent! It is VERY important that you continue sucking for at least 3-4 seconds following the first cumblasts spraying the back of your throat. This will ensure that the involuntary trigger reflex in my penis will begin. Like an AK-47 in the hands of Iraqi insurgents, properly triggering off my pole will ensure that it will keep firing and firing until the entire contents of my burdened balls effortlessly make my way into your mouth in one fell swoop and the 12,000,000,000 potential children begin the journey down your esophogus to their final destination of swimming around in your stomach.

If you pull away too soon, the penis will not successfully trigger and will not continue shooting itself off without some extra effort on your part. It’s best to get it all out at once so I don’t have to awkwardly begin pleading and screaming, “Omigod! Omigod! Baby, there’s more! There’s more! Keep sucking! Keep sucking!” at the height of ecstasy.

Bonus points if you flick your tongue at the base of my dickhead while I’m exploding in your mouth.

After you are confident that all of the sperm has been drained from my testicles (or, my hand releases its vice-grip on the back of your head- whichever comes first), then you may remove your mouth from my penis and slowly lick up and down my still-twiching shaft. Lick the balls, too- they LOVE you at this moment. Then, pull my shaft back up toward you and slowly, softly suck for a few more seconds to top everything off. You can have anything you want from my refridgerator as I quickly fall off to sleep.

Etiquette Guide for Casual Sex

We’ve all experienced at least one causal sexual experience and for those of us who will have more – here are a few things to keep in mind.

1. Don’t say “I never do this” and expect me to believe you. Of course you do this, so do I, and you’re saying that you normally don’t implies that if I do, then I am some kind of a slut. Don’t make me feel like a slut. You are not a stand-up guy and we are here to bang so drop the act, wear a condom and don’t expect to discuss our sexual histories because we are both going to lie anyway.
2. Don’t try and have casual, meaningless conversation when we get back to our respective destination. I don’t really care what you do for a living, where you’re from, or your childhood drama. You’re there for one purpose only. Anything I needed to know about you I already found out -primarily from observation. Are you attractive, not wearing pegged jeans or bad shoes. These are the only attributes I’m interested in – so please keep your mouth shut. Out of respect I will do the same.
3. Do ask permission to do things to me and my home. Ask to take a shower, ask to go through my nightstand looking for a condom, ask before trying to go down on me, and ask me if you want something from me too. We can’t pretend to be familiar with each other so be polite.
4. Speaking of asking, please remember that I don’t know you and I don’t know what you like. You also don’t know what I like so while I appreciate your adventurousness, it is essential that you listen to what I tell you. For example “OW” means that I don’t like what you are doing so stop gripping my nipples like they are handlebars and now that I’ve said “OW,” don’t go back to the nipples- especially not with your teeth. Similarly, if I ask you what you like- then tell me something, tell me anything because I am looking at your dick and it isn’t doing what I thought it would so I need you to help me out- like I said, I don’t know you. Sidenote: I probably won’t want to give or receive oral sex. Despite popular belief not all girls are interested in guys “eating them out” – which by the way is terminology that is a definite turn off – anyway oral is something that I don’t really enjoy doing but yeah if you’re boyfriend – I love you in which case I’ll suck it till I get lock jaw. But you are not my boyfriend so I’m really not interested it getting your dick anywhere near my face. And if you’re into one night stands oral could lead to many diseases and is best avoided.
5. Don’t re-attempt to try things I’ve already made clear that I’m not interested in! I know it might be easier to get freaky with a stranger, but no still means no! And I’m not likely to change my mind 5 minutes later.
6. Don’t get offended if I call you by the wrong name while we’re having sex. In some cases I may not even remember your name and if I do – hey maybe I’m thinking about my ex-boyfriend or maybe I really like the name Paul. Either way – don’t judge me. You’re getting laid so don’t complain!
7. If I do let you stay over or I stay at your place – please no cuddling. Casual sex and cuddling just don’t go together.
8. You don’t get to see me naked. I have no problem with how I look, however; just because we had sex a moment ago doesn’t mean I want you admiring me with the lights on. That is something intimate that requires respect which is not necessarily part and parcel to the sex act we just enjoyed. I treat you with respect in regard to our romp by not expecting you to dress in front of me and I expect you to do the same. This means that you must pretend to be asleep if I get out of bed to put on clothes. Don’t comment. Similarly, if I choose to get dressed while you are in the bathroom, and then I go into the bathroom, this is your time to get dressed also. Please note, I will probably spend enough time in the bathroom for you to get dressed so do it. If I am in the bathroom for a longer time than you need, use the extra minutes to make the bed.
9. Make the bed.
10. Morning sex is off limits. The two primary reasons for this are 1. I got drunk in order to feel comfortable bringing you home and screwing, now I am not drunk and there is no longer any chance of screwing. That also goes for oral sex, even if I were to participate last night, there is NO chance of a stale, daylight, sober blow job for you. AND 2. too much nudity is prevalent in morning sex and I’m really not ready for that kind of commitment with you. See # 8.
11. If we had a great time and you want to hang out this morning, then ask me to breakfast. Don’t expect me to say yes. Don’t get huffy if I say no. If I do say yes and we do go to breakfast, understand that afterward I want to go home and shower and sleep and not talk to you.
12. Don’t ask for my number when you and I both know we have no intention or seeing one another again. Let’s not waste our energy. Most likely I don’t want your number and you don’t want mine. Exchanging numbers just leads to regret and self-doubt. If you don’t call then I’ll wonder if I was a good lay or if I said/did anything wrong. Neither of us needs to go through that especially when it probably wasn’t bad and even if it wasn’t the greatest sex ever at least we both got laid. To quote the notable film Threesome, “To me sex is like pizza. Even if it’s bad it’s still pretty good.”

Steps for an Enjoyable Office Holiday Party

Dive right in: Rather than having a glass of wine or a beer, jump riiiight in to the heavy stuff. You should even do it *before* all the guests get there to ensure that you get maximum exposure to clients and bosses at your absolute drunkest. I chose top-shelf vodka. Bonus: You tell the bartender “not to be shy” as she’s pouring it because, after all, this is an open bar.

Talk openly about office politics: Tact is cool in the office, but it has no place at the cocktail party. You might want to tell your boss exactly why it is that “everyone hates” her. Bonus: You tell your clients that you’re actually writing a book about your company, and that it’s going to be the next “The Devil Wears Prada”.

Talk about sports: For example, when the Vice-president of the company that just acquired your office says “I love Steve McNair, he’s my favorite QB,” You should stand up and say “McNair’s a pussy.” Don’t leave it alone, either, point to people in the bar who you think could kick Steve McNair’s ass and mouth the words “pussy” to her for the rest of the evening. Bonus: You form a triangle with your hands and move it towards your crotch as you say “pussy.”

Be cool: Sure, they hired you to do a job, but goshdarnit you’re cool and you should let your coworkers know it. The best thing to do is tell ridiculous stories from your past. Also, you should not censor yourself in any way. If you’re telling the story about how you clogged the toilet at a french bistro in Oakland, go ahead and leave no detail unmentioned. By saying things like “my shit was so big, I had to stand up to finish” or “I knew it was going to be a clogger when it broke the water line” you’re letting them know that you’re cool AND creative. Bonus: as you’re making the ‘plunging’ hand-gestures you knock a glass of wine out of someone’s hand.

Hit on Cocktail waitresses: This is actually a rarely used move, but if you see an attractive waitress HIT ON HER! It’s not every day that some guy as charming and hammered as you makes nice with a suggestively dressed waitress, so go ahead and give her your business card! Write something quirky and original on the back, like “Drinks? Dinner?” before you slip it to her, also. Everyone you work with will be impressed with how suave you are. Bonus: You never bother to get her name, but instead refer to her by the appetizer on her tray. “Hey tuna-tartar my name’s Carl,” or “Chickenballs, you’re really cute.”

Stay late and then calll people who have left: Just because the party’s over, it doesn’t mean it’s time to go to bed! Go drink some more and call your colleagues to remind them how funny you are! “Remember when I told everyone that my favorite movie was Humplestiltskin?” And if they’ve turned off their phones (lamers) don’t be afraid to leave mean messages letting them know “how weak it was that you bailed so early” and so forth. Bonus: when the open bar turns to a cash bar you loudly yell “BOOOO!” and ask your boss to “spot you a $20.”

Following these 6 easy tips will ensure a pleasant post-party day at the office.

Dear Bar Patrons

A few quick tips to better your service at my bar. Some of these are quite general, while others may be directed at a more specific audience. Due to time constraints and your obvious lack of attention, the list has been considerably shortened.

Slick Guy over 50- I can see your still-wet hair, glittery bitch watch, two rings, your beemer key chain and that crisp 50 dollar bill you keep waving like a white peace flag to stop Indians from raping you. All that 50 will do is take all the change out of my register, none of which is going to end up back on my bar you cheap fuck. I’m busy, wait your turn like the other 48 people in front of you. And tell that 40-yr old skank you were hanging with that she’s a real trendsetter w/ that Poison-style lid she was sporting.

Blond Honey-I know you’re hot, you’re actually fuckin smokin, and if you were in a bar where I was drunk I’d probably pull a “flyby” on you (that’s where I cruise around, “accidently” bumping into hotties to cop a cheap feel), but this ID looks like something my niece made in her 1st grade art class. If I serve you and lose my job, can you gaurantee me lifelong BJs and monthly stipends from Daddy’s Trust Fund? If not, get the fuck out of my bar.

Graduated Frat Boy w/ the Shiny New Job-No, I don’t know where you can get “some good shit.” Just because I’m a bartender doesn’t make me Pablo fucking Escobar. And even if I was holding a tweener and looked like I just drilled a few lines while checking for some non-existent drink condiment in the pantry downstairs, I would definitely use it in a bribe attempt with the Hottie (see tip #2) before sharing it with your secret-handshake ass.

Inexperienced Group Leader-You’ve been milling around in line, waiting a good 10 minutes for a drink. I’ve no problem that you have 9 people in the group (Believe me, I can knock out a 9 drink order for a group quicker than Oprah can finish a melting ice cream cone), that the girls are getting impatient for a Cosmo, its a bar and these issues are fairly prevalent on any busy night. But when you finally get to the front of the line and I say “What can I get for everyone?” your response should be something to the effect of, say, quickly and clearly barking out a precise 9 drink order. NOT, “Hey what does everybody want?” Christ pal, maybe while your bitch was pissing and moaning for 10 minutes your college-educated ass should have thought to ask her (and everybody else) what the fuck they were thirsty for. And don’t give me that “you shot my Yellow Lab” look while I ignore your preppy ass for the next half hour.

My name is not: Bartender, Buddy, Pal, Guy, Bro, Garzon (you pretenious prick (and by the way, don’t ever again ask for a Stolichnaya up, say Stoli or I will take that 800 pg saga you brink in to read on Wed. evenings and crack your fucking skull) ). I know I’m a fucking bartender, it said so on the application. You are not my buddy or pal, I’ve never seen you before in my life. I am not your bro, I have two sisters buttfuck, and besides them, the only other people I allow to address me as “bro” are the Homeys on my Thursday rec hoop league and my 5 best friends. And Garzon? Fuck you. I have to wear a retarded name tag while I’m working dickface, the least you could do is take a fucking nanosecond to read it.

Teacher on a Date-Dude, its obvious you don’t go out much. You’ve got this bouncy little muffin on your arm, looking excited about “the big night out.” I can tell you are a bit uncomfortable w/ the bar scene, but Jeez O’ Fucking Peets, you’re a teacher, do some goddamn research. Your girl had no problem figuring out what she wanted (not to mention she was no freakin Einstien) but never, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES, EVER, ask me what you should have to drink. There are beer bottles on the shelves behind me, liquor bottles everywhere, Fuckin A., even a menu 3 pages long. Maybe you drink like a cooze and need a strawberry daquiri, or want to look sophisticated by knocking back a Glenlivit or two, why the fuck would I know what the fuck you should have. Nothing looks more pussy than a man who knows not what he wants to drink. (A tip that will not only help you at my bar, but prevent you from looking like a total maid in front of your lady.)

Drunk Fuck-I’ve saved you for last. I didn’t cut you off for being drunk. I love drunk people and, when I’m not behind the bar, I usually fall in that category. There are a few actions that I consider “stepping over the line” and these will get you escorted out of my bar, either peacefully or with the Louisville Slugger I keep over the bar. (It was signed by my whole Pee Wee Reese team when I was twelve and I hit a game winning double to send us into the state semi-finals. Then we got our asses beat by thirteen runs in the semi’s because Jimmy fucking Jankowski couldn’t throw a strike to save his life.)

But I digress.

Drunk Fuck-You cannot stumble over in a fit of drool and incoherent Torret’s speak, grab one of my cocktail server’s (especially the one I’ve been trying to bang for a month now), grab her ass while trying to whisper in her ear, get rejected and begin to pull that inhaler-sized spoke out of your pants to drown the bar in piss, without expecting me to beat your ass. In the end, I’m not sure what was funnier: the look of total bewilderment on your face when I told you to get the fuck out, or your nose bleeding like an unkinked garden hose as the cops dragged your pathetic ass out. Thanks for stopping by.

Folks, if you follow even just a few of these guidlines, I promise the night out will be more enjoyable for me and you.

This is in or around your local watering hole.

I Man; You Woman

Hi.

Reasons to date me:
- I am a man.

This means the following:
- I have a penis (dimensions upon request)
- I have two testicles (dimensions upon request)
- I complain
- I have a poor morning disposition (references upon request)
- I emit occasionally offensive odors
- I will embarrass you more than you embarrass me (extrapolated from historical data)
- I eat meat (see note above re: offensive odors)
- I drink
- I drink more than you (assuming you weigh less than 175 pounds)
- I drink to get drunk (see note above re: poor morning disposition)
- I drink to make you fun
- I curse (if you don’t like it, fuck you)
- I am fun (ask anybody, except your friend Jessica – she’s a bitch anyway)
- I employ logic to solve a problem
- Predicting my disposition is as simple as knowing the winning percentage of the NY Giants
- I hate your ex-boyfriends
- I like fire, with or without the cigarettes
- I do stupid shit like testing the absorbancy of spinach gnocchi at a dinner party whenever the conversation bores me
- I recognize that when someone utters the phrase “This is so fun/great/exciting/etc” they are internally miserable
- I lie, but only to avoid offending you (“Those jeans look great on you”)
- I watch porn (frequency is inversely proportional to our sexual frequency)
- I am presumptuous (see note above re: our sexual frequency)
- I watch sports
- I listen to music that makes me feel good
- I say your friend is getting fat when I know damn well she weighs less than you do
- I hate PDA
- I think you have at least 2 hot friends
- I am messy
- I think your friends suck
- I am confident, mainly as a result of general indifference
- I smell like one of the following: cologne, soap, deoderant, your cigarette
- I am smart enough to know when to end a pointless argument
- I love me, with or without you

What I’m looking for:
- A woman

This means the following:
- You have a vagina (details on plumage to be sent with picture)
- You have two breasts (dimensions to be sent with picture)
- You bitch
- You have a poor disposition (every 28th day or whenever you feel like blaming your own problems on me)
- You emit occasionally offensive noises (like that laugh you fake over the phone when responding to a joke you know isn’t funny)
- You are easily embarrassed (thanks to a genuine concern for what strangers think of you)
- You eat chicken and sushi
- You drink apple martinis
- You drink fewer apple martinis than I do (assuming you weigh less than 175 pounds)
- You drink to forget abusive ex-boyfriends
- You drink to make me bearable to be around
- You curse (and I like it)
- You’re fun, whenever you’re not around your girlfriends (that Jessica turns you into such a bitch)
- Your arguments lack cohesive thought processes and logic (your solutions are most often supported by all the empirical evidence contained in the sentence “just because.”)
- Predicting your disposition requires an intimate knowledge of string theory
- You somehow cannot deduce that all of your ex-boyfriends are still trying to fuck you
- You like to smoke socially, but only so as not to feel excluded
- You do stupid shit like use my toothbrush to fish your mascara out of the toilet, or open a toxic can of paint with a knife taken from the same drawer that the screwdriver is in
- You lack the ability to recognize that when you say “This is so fun/great/exciting/etc” that you are forcing it
- You like it when I lie
- You hate porn, but only because you know it can replace you, if only temporarily
- You are presumptuous (“Where are we going for dinner?”)
- You watch reality TV
- You listen to music that makes you cry
- You say you’re getting fat while wolfing down your 3rd slice of pizza
- You like PDA because you’re starved for attention
- You hate knowing I think your friends are hot, and tell me embarrassing stories about them behind their backs in an effort to make them seem less desirable, when in actuality, you’re making them seem more attainable
- You are somehow messier than I am, but it’s always my fault
- You think your friends suck more than I think they do, but you’ll never admit it
- You have self-esteem issues, mainly as a result of nothing I can control
- You always smell like your shampoo
- You hate it when I am smart enough to realize when pursuing an argument is futile (see note above re: logic)
- You love being with someone
- Deep down inside, you know all of this is true

email me. I tell it like it is.

Selling Furniture Online (Tips)

1. You had it made custom? Fantastic. But remember it was custom made for your dreams, not mine.
2. You paid $10,000 for your sofa? If I was even considering a $5000 “half off” used designer sofa, would I be online looking for it? No. If I was going to drop $5K on a sofa, I’d want a fresh one.
3. You are not doing me a favor by selling me anything. I am doing you a favor by purchasing your used goods. If I get a good deal and I actually like it, we’re doing one another a favor.
4. I don’t care how much you capitalize TRUST ME I KNOW – I do not belive you “know quality furniture and this is a great piece.” I don’t care. I’m online because I want a cheap couch that doesn’t smell and won’t embarass me.
5. You want me to come over pay you, then wait till your move out date to pick up the furniture? F- You. Someone actually wouldn’t take their asking price because I wanted to come get the furniture the day I saw it online. Don’t post until you’re ready to part with it.
6. Photos, people. Even if you don’t have a digital camera, you live in the Bay Area and I guarantee you know someone who does. Borrow it. Furniture with photos sells so much faster.
7. That “beautiful solid oak dining suite?” with the white and oak chairs and “hand lathed legs” Yeah, that’s from Ikea and it’s 149 for the set there, not 500 OBO.
8. How nice something is “like Pottery Barn”. Just because Busvans is closed doesn’t mean we don’t remember their stuff looked the same and cost half. Don’t make a profit on a 3 year old sofa. That makes you a creep. And you’ll be the one complaining becuase someone didn’t show up to look at your no photo poorly descibed overpriced sofa.
9. Again I repeat – people who are looking for swanky stuff that’s NOT actual Eames (not eames like or eames era) or other concrete collectible furniture are NOT shopping online. Sell me a couch for 400 or less, chairs are 250 or less, if you’re willing to deliver, I can see paying a touch extra.
10. Futons really need to be out of furniture and in their own separate category. Futons do nothing but muck up these listings.

TOP TEN REASONS YOU CAN’T GET LAID

TOP TEN REASONS WHY YOU CAN’T GET LAID

10. YOU’RE LAZY. You’d rather sit on your ass in front of the computer or television than actually go out and try to meet someone. You expect women to magically appear at your door the moment you get a hard-on. You want sex, but you don’t want to work for it. You don’t even want to have to change clothes after you fuck. Get off your ass if you want things to change or shut the hell up.

9. YOUR STANDARDS AND EXPECTATIONS ARE RIDICULOUS. You want to fuck a porn starlet or sex goddess, not a real woman. You expect us to have a perfect body and always be ready to fuck. Your ideal woman is some ridiculous image that the media and porn industry has brainwashed you to believe is desirable. You think of women in terms of parts, not the whole. You forget that there’s a human being there. How can we possibly want to make love to you when you don’t even think of us as person? The sad truth is, you’re so horny you’d probably fuck anything in a skirt. But because you don’t have the brainpower to think for yourself, you don’t recognize a real woman when she’s RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. Helloooooooooo? Anybody in there?

8. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE GRACEFULLY. We expect you to make the first move: to ask us out, to kiss us, to make a pass, and to initiate sex. Right or wrong, you’ve got to deal with it. If you’re not getting any, you haven’t finessed the art of the gentle come-on. We can’t read your minds so don’t expect us to appear at your door ready for sex. And lose those lame come-on lines. They never work. Do you really think that any self-respecting woman reading an ad that basically says, “Let me fuck you and toss you aside” would pick you? Get real.

7. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO PACKAGE YOURSELF. Face it, first impressions are made within the first 30 second of visual contact. If you don’t make yourself appealing to the opposite sex, why the hell should we fuck you? You don’t dress well and your hygiene leaves much to be desired. We spend HOURS making ourselves look beautiful. You show up for a date sweaty from basketball practice, unshaven, wearing a wrinkled T-shirt, torn jeans, and want to jump right into the sack. I don’t think so, stud. When’s the last time you took a BATH, beefcakes?

6. YOU ARE BORING, BORING, BORING! You have nothing interesting to say besides “Let’s fuck.” You forget that the sexiest organ in the whole human body is the brain. You talk about yourself and don’t ask anything about us. Do you think we really want to hear how good your golf game is? Honey, we’re just being polite while we mentally think “Next!” Broaden your horizons, babe. The sexiest men I have ever known stimulated my mind as well as my body. Read something besides Sports Illustrated, for Chrissakes.

5. YOU HAVE NO PATIENCE. You expect a woman to leap into the sack with you immediately, on the first date. You are a child of the internet age, expect instant gratification, and have the attention span of a millisecond. You do not understand that planning, perseverance and persistence are what lead to success. It takes time to build up passion, and you have no patience. Good things come to those who wait. If you want instant gratification, call a hooker or pop a porn video in the VCR and make friends with your right hand. But don’t blame us if you can only come and go in less than a minute.

4. YOU’RE NOT NICE. You don’t treat women with respect. You’re a closet misogynist or psychopath bent on hurting us. You expect every woman to spread her legs wide open for you. You don’t want to know us, not really. You just want to fuck us and discard us. You won’t call us afterwards, even though you say you will. You forget we have feelings. You’re mean, selfish, crazy, vain, or just fucking NUTS. Get lost, loser.

3. YOU DON’T LISTEN TO US AT ALL. You are psychologically incapable of understanding the word “No”. You don’t hear us when we tell you our hopes and dreams. You stare at our cleavage when we tell you about our lives. You don’t pay attention to us when we are trying to tell you something important, something that might actually get you extra points in the relationship game. You don’t listen when we say we love you and need you. And you wonder why we ignore you when you try to hit on us? Get a clue.

2. YOU HAVE NO CLUE HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN IN BED. You SAY you love to give oral sex, and that a woman’s pleasure matters most to you, but your actions show you only want to “stick and move.” Ladies, how many times have you heard men say that they love oral sex only to have a guy make a drive by lick before he penetrates? Guys, we know the truth about you. We tell our girlfriends everything. Word about you is already on the street and spreading fast. Feel paranoid? You should. Our network is bigger than the internet.

And the number one reason why you can’t get laid:

1. YOU JUST DON’T GET IT. You haven’t a clue. You don’t understand women and don’t even want to try. You’d rather be bitter, misogynistic, lazy, sloppy, smelly, frustrated, selfish, mean, vain, crazy or just plain stupid than make an honest-to-God, real-live attempt to connect with the opposite sex. Enjoy your porn movies because that’s the only naked woman you are ever going to see.

Pooping @ Work (a survival guide)

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: Seldom-used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

How to Piss Off Your Neighbors

It seems no matter where you move, there is at least one neighbor that can’t stay out of your business. They constantly complain, and do everything in their power to make your life a little tougher. Time for you to return the favor. When it comes to pissing off your neighbors, there a few things you can do that can really cause the most annoyance with the least amount of effort. Follow along and pick and choose your favorites.

Get things done around the house

One of the easier ways to piss the neighbors off is by simply doing chores outside your house. If the lawn needs mowing, take the initiative to start it real early in the morning.
Wait until the nosey neighbors are peacefully sleeping, and remember to go over the spots closest to their house. It allows you to wake them up without really giving them anything to complain about. You have to get your work done, it’s just too bad it’s not a good time for them.

Time to get extra friendly

So how does being nice piss them off you ask? Allow me to explain. Flirting with your neighbors is a great way to start a fight, and get them extremely irate. Just take the time each day to act flirty and friendly with on member of the family. The parents only, for those that need to be told. By doing this little covert move, you can get them pissed at you, and start fights between them. It becomes a double whammy.

When nature calls.

Man’s best friend can become a huge ally in your attack on your neighbors. Use your canine to cause as much trouble as possible. Take him walking on their lawn when they aren’t there to stop you. Make sure to let old scrappy finish his business in the walking path if possible, leading to the best possible scenario. If you have a neighbor scraping his foot as he walks up to your door to complain, you found a golden spot, keep it up.

Summer is here, possibilities grow

When summer arrives, there are multiple opportunities that open up. One such choice that can really piss those people off is.. Covert missions to destroy their lawn. Start with the classic destruction of their hose. Go ahead and poke holes throughout the hose, making sure that a simple rag won’t cover it and allow them to get by. Destroy a few hoses and see how quickly they start to crumble. The next steps might get you in trouble, so work at your own risk. If they have in-ground sprinklers, take the initiative to super glue those bad boys down. It normally takes people a while to even notice their sprinkler heads are stuck, and can in the mean time leave their lawn dead or dieing.

So what is left to do? All out war..

Time to do all the childish things left in your arsenal. Get out there and be creative. Lube up their door handles. Ice down their driveway in the winter time. Wake up early and sabotage their cars with bananas in the exhaust. Check your cars engine early in the morning, by just revving and revving and revving. Spread out these attacks over time, so that you can keep it fresh. Some things get old, or can be adapted to easily. Keep them on their toes, and watch them crumble.

Words of Warning

If you don’t want cops coming over your house, cover your tracks or make sure your neighbors are the revenge type over the cop calling type. A challenge is always fun, and you now have more up your sleeve than the average Joe. Keep the destruction and damages down to a minimum and keep yourself in the clear

Blowjob Tips

1. Go deep and hold your breath.
2. Make it wet.
3. Use your hands also.
4. Don’t use your hands.
5. Go slow.
6. Go fast.
7. Change up speed.
8. Make eye contact.
9. Hold his balls.
10. Be gentle with the grandchildren (see #9).
11. Enjoy it.
12. Always let him come in your mouth.
13. Bargain for a nice dinner out first. Then you will really be excited to do it.
14. Always swallow.
15. Never have him come in a glass and then you drink it.
16. Invite a girlfriend or two to assist you.
17. Get between his legs to do it; rarely do it from the side.
18. Don’t talk on the phone at the same time.
19. Do it while he is on the phone with his boss.
20. Do it during dinner. You can eat later.
21. Wake him up with it.
22. Help him get to sleep with it.
23. Thank him for letting you do it.

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