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Cheesy Jokes

• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
• Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
• I thought it was a booger, but it’snot.
• 2 drums and a cymbal fall of a cliff BA DUM TSS
• Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my pajamas I don’t know!
• Two guys walk into a bar; you would have thought the first one would have seen it.
• Why do lions always eat raw meat? (Because they don’t know how to cook.)
• Why don’t blind people skydive? It scares their dogs.
• What does a pig use to write with? A pigpen
• What is green, small and has three angles? A small green triangle
• A baby seal walks into a club.
• I wanted to be a cardiologist, but I didn’t have the heart.
• I wanted to be a baker, but I didn’t have the dough.
• I wanted to be a priest, but I didn’t have the spirit.
• I wanted to test cars, but I didn’t have the drive.
• I wanted to be a doctor but I didn’t have the patients.
• Why are Germans such douches? Because they come from Deustchland
• I hate going to the dentist. Every time I go, my tongue gets depressed.
• 9/10 people enjoy gang rape.
• How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the Fresh Prints.

Pet Peeves VI

• People who never, EVER fucking sleep late because “they just can’t”. They’re freaks.
• People with GIANT FUCKING HEADS.
• People who take internet drama seriously.
• People who think they’re better than everyone else because of where they’re from. I knew this bitch who went around informing everyone she met that she was from Mexico City, which apparently made her more educated and high-class than everyone else around. Great, you’re from a fucking dirty slum. Good job.
• People who get insulted when people hit on them. Why is that insulting? It’s a compliment. Don’t be a dick.
• Fucking terrible mothers who refuse to listen to any advice on how to raise their damn child properly just because ‘she’s the mother, what she says goes’
• People who update their facebook/myspace status twenty times a fucking day with mundane details of their shitty life, or when they use it as a public platform to bitch about people.
• Young pricks who want to grow up to quickly. Congratulations, you’re a 21 year old with 2 kids, a job and a mortgage. This is now your life for the next 50 cunt fucking years.
• People that rush to pull out in front of you but then drive under the speed limit and happen to be going EXACTLY WHERE YOU’RE GOING god fucking damnit.
• People who drive smart cars or do other good things for the environment ONLY BECAUSE THEY WANT OTHER PEOPLE TO NOTICE fuck off with your self absorbed bullshit stop telling everyone about it.
• Unnecessary abbreviations for already short words. (i.e. plz, thx, k, sry). Fucking move your fingers, fatty, and finish the fucking word.
• Bitches who wear trendy clothes even though they look fucking ugly and fat in them.
• Fat people who think they deserve sympathy because they’re too fat to get to a gym.
• 

Pet Peeves V

on July 12, 2009 in Life's Annoyances
• Lovable movies about mischevious children and/or loyal but silly dogs. Especially if the dogs talk. An example of this would be that new Disney movie about the talking astronaut dogs or whatever.
• In a large crowd of loud people, that ONE FUCKING PERSON who is ALWAYS like, “GUUUUUYYYYS! BEEEEE QUIET! I WANNA BE HOME BEFORE MIDNIIIIGHT!”. The dude that has to take charge or whatever. Yeah. Fuck that.
• People who think that weird, not-real foods are “decadent”. Like those skinny bitches who are like, “oh my Gawd I ate a box of saltine crackers with almond butter and olives last night for dinner…it was soooo decadent.”
• People who actually use phone signatures when they text, especially if they say things like, “bRaNdOn luvs Me!<3:]"
• People who are afraid of socialists/communists.
• RaNDom CApItaLIzatION oF LeTTerS.
• When someone tells me about some place that’s “really cool” and say I’d love it there, but when I go there I hate everything about it and some fag tries to rob me. Fuck you, France.
• Ugly people trying to be sexy, fucking, horrible.
• When people pronounce certain words or just their names in some sort of weird foreign accent. Like they’re having a normal conversation and then they say “croissant” but instead of just saying it they suddenly grow a fucking twirly mustache and transform into a jolly French baker and say “CRAAAA-SOOOONNNAHHHSSSHHAHAHA”.
• People who are always like, “Oh, no one will ever love me
• 

Movie summaries

on July 11, 2009 in Life's Annoyances
• The ship strikes an iceburg and over 1000 people died. Rose, the protagonist of the movie, survives. Her newly acquired love, Jack, does not.
• Snake kills Dumbledoor.
• Bruce Willis is a ghost.
• Megatron Kills Optimus.
• They destroy the ring and make it back home.
• Ariel gets kidnapped by the octomom. Ariel’s boyfriend chases her down with a pirate ship, and stabs octomom in the heart with the fucking pointy thing on the front of the boat.
• In Star Wars, no one has sex.
• In Star Wars, the chick Luke falls in love with, smooches and saves turns out to be his sister.
• Then vader was his father.
• Rosebud was a sled he had as a child.
• The guy cums, the girl eats it.
• After having lived in an alternate dimension where he has super powers Donnie uses telekinesis to pull an engine off a jet plane then appears back in bed and dies all the people he affected feel this temporal ripple.
• Jesus gets whipped and dies.
• Brad pitt is the seventh deadly sin.
• King kong dies!
• Kevin Spacey is Keyser Söze
• He wins the million dollars and gets the girl! but he still lives in India.
• 2001: A Space Odyssey; Seriously, after a dozen or so viewings, I still don’t really know what happened.
• Bruno sucked.
• 

Pet Peeves IV

on July 9, 2009 in Life's Annoyances
• The type of people who drink green tea. I like green tea sometimes, but you know what I mean. They take it too fucking far and act like it makes them enlightened and elevated above the masses. Fuck you all.
• People who drink Jager and won’t shut up about it.
• People who seriously weigh themselves every day.
• When you highlight shit and the highliter gets all dirty from the ink you highlighted over.
• “Goths” with country accents. It’s ridiculous.
• Mature people who are too good to find “stupid” things funny. Enjoy your boring, mature life.
• Huge nipples.
• People with chapped lips. Get some motherfucking Chapstick for fuck’s sake.
• People who don’t eat red meat. Why the fuck not? I don’t understand.
• “Touching” stories about kids with Downs’ Syndrome playing basketball and shit like that.
• 

Pet Peeves III

on July 6, 2009 in Life's Annoyances

Things that make me go rage part III.

1. People who “trick out” their cars with shitty after-market modifications. This is most commonly seen on Japanese cars. I blame the movie The Fast and The Furious.
2. Girls that think their own VAGINA’s are gross. I like them and I like yours. Get the fuck over it. Stop worrying about it when I’m going down on you.
3. I hate people who say “Well everyone else does it.” No, not everyone.
4. People that think their opinion is the only correct one or that I should treat it as fact. What are you an encyclopedia? Even if you’re quoting one, you’re probably doing it wrong.
5. When someone speaks broken English and they get offended when you can’t fucking understand them.
6. People who perpetuate stereotypes and then bitch about being stereotyped. There’s a reason you’re a stereotype.
7. Twitter. Nobody cares what the fuck you’re doing. NOBODY. Unless you are a celebrity, you are MEANINGLESS, no matter how much a website makes it seem otherwise.
8. Customers who threaten store workers that they will take their business elsewhere. The clerk gets paid by the hour dipshit; they don’t give a fuck if you leave.
9. Rednecks. Everything about them.
10. Fox News. It’s not fair. It’s not balanced. Sometimes, it’s not even news. And when it is, it’s not always right. But man will people quote them like it’s the bible.
11. Saying something and instantly regretting it.
12. People who put “xoxox” at the end of anything. This isn’t gossip girl.
13. People that tan all day every day and their skin looks like leather.
14. Fake people and the trail of social destruction they leave behind until their life changing revelation that they shouldn’t be such fake douchebags. I.E. the person that’s always apologizing during reunions.
15. Kids who are disrespectful to their parents. They give these kids so much and the kids act like douchebags and yell at the parents.
• 

Pet Peeves II

on June 30, 2009 in Life's Annoyances

Back with more RAGE!

1. Pretentious college students.
2. People who chew with their mouth open.
3. People who say ‘labtop’.
4. People that mistreat animals.
5. Big nipples and/or areolas.
6. Skinny girls with fat legs.
7. People who insist on pressing already lit buttons when waiting for an elevator. It’s not going to come any faster.
8. I hate girls who whine constantly about their petty problems. I can only pretend to care for so long.
9. Inconsiderate fucks who use their cell phones in inappropriate places.
10. People who think everything can be solved by prayer.
11. People who believe anything a religious official tells them.
12. When people argue about religion (nobody will change their mind because you made a good point)
13. People who shove their religious beliefs down your throat.
14. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS; I’m not a politician and neither are you.
15. When people talk to me about their problems all the time, but when I do the same they show obvious disinterest.
• 

Free credit report

on June 26, 2009 in Life's Annoyances, Popular Culture


Too bad i didnt know my credit was whack
Now im driving off the lot in a used sub compact
F. R. E. E. that spells free,
credit report.com baby.

Admit it, you just sang that song in his voice and you hate it.

• 

Pet Pevees

on June 18, 2009 in Life's Annoyances
1. I hate how in porn, it takes forever before the actual fucking begins. I’m not talking about when they are just building sexual tension. I’m talking about with the girl is talking to the camera guy. And why is the camera guy even talking? STFU.
2. I hate when porno sluts scream at the top of their lungs to try to make us believe they are having an orgasm when you know they are faking.
3. I also really hate when they show the guys face for more than 5 seconds. Really, stop doing that.
4. Why do porns have the shot from behind where the guy’s asshole is shown? Who likes that?
5. In porn, Whenever the guy talks more often or louder than the girl.
6. In porn, where the women sucks dick for more than 1 minute. Any fellatio is boring to watch. I want the bang bang.
7. So I have a lot of pet pevees about porn. Get off my back.
8. Gagging blowjobs. The girl is almost throwing up, and sometimes she does. Is this turning you on? Freak.
9. Getting the hiccups.
10. People who constantly have to “one-up” you, just to make themselves feel superior.
11. PEOPLE THAT CAPITALIZE EVERY FUCKING WORD IN A SENTENCE.
12. I hate fat people who are proud to be fat. You’re not proud you over compensating self conscious fatty.
13. People who sing songs they don’t know the words to.
14. People who pretend to be really rich but aren’t at all.
15. People with loud fucking voices about everything
16. People who attempt to be funny but fail miserably.
17. Couples that say “i love you” after a day of dating.
18. Couples who fight alot (especially in public) and stay together.
19. When girls love their boyfriends even when they treat them like shit.
20. People who flaunt the fact that they drink, smoke, and party.
21. Girls who are clearly whores, but will never admit it.
• 

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