I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis
on August 6, 2009 in Popular Culture
- I don’t always masturbate, but when I do, I prefer the right hand.
- I don’t always eat, but when I do, I prefer food.
- I don’t always eat take out, but when I do, I prefer Taco Bell.
- I don’t always use gas, but when I do, I prefer propane.
- I don’t always wipe, but when I do, I prefer standing up.
- I don’t always prey on people, but when I do, I prefer the weak ones.
- I don’t always beat people, but when I do, I prefer my wife.
- I don’t always genocide, but when I do, I prefer gas chambers.
- I don’t always peep, but when I do, I prefer your sister’s window.
- I don’t always L, but when I do, I prefer MAO.
- I don’t always fap, but when I do, I prefer a trap.
Watch it backwards II
on August 1, 2009 in Popular Culture
If you watch Friday the 13th backwards, it’s about an anonymous fellow performing emergency medicine and rescuing teenagers in the woods.
If you watch Titanic backwards, it’s a movie about an iceberg that builds a fucking huge-ass ship full of passengers, lifeboats, and deck chairs.
If you watch MacGyver backwards, it’s about a guy who always manages to find the toothpick, paperclip, stick of gum, or aluminum foil that’s holding some amazing machine together, and then taking it out. What a dick.
If you watch Jeopardy! backwards, it’s a show about rich people paying money for answers to questions.
If you watch House backwards, it’s still never lupus.
If you watch Scarface backwards, it’s about a man who gives up cocaine and crime to follow his dream of becoming a dishwasher to earn enough money so he can visit Cuba.
If you watch porn backwards, it’s about a husband vacuuming semen off his wife’s face before putting on his plumbing jumpsuit and heading off to work.
If you watch Gremlins backwards you learn that all you have to do is feed a monster after midnight and it’ll turn into a cute, cuddly fur ball.
If you watch any movie about Jesus backwards, it’s about a guy who comes back from the dead after being crucified and goes around infecting people with horrible diseases. He steals fish and loaves of bread from 5,000 starving people and then wrecks a perfectly good party by turning wine into water.
If you watch Juno backwards, it’s about a girl who steals a baby from two people who don’t like each other and then stuff its up her vagina thus slowly consuming it. The perceptive ones will see a story in the background about the two who got their baby stolen falling in love with each other.
If you watch Twilight backwards, vampires still shouldn’t fucking sparkle.
If you watch your life backwards you die first and then start living in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. Spend your last nine months floating…and you finish off as an orgasm.
Watch it backwards
on July 31, 2009 in Popular Culture
If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s about a shark that keeps throwing up people until they have to open a beach.
If you watch Rambo backwards, it’s about a guy with a bullet vacuum that keeps bringing people back to life.
If you watch War of the Worlds backwards, it’s about a man and his daughter hiding in a basement with a crazy guy while large machines walk around turning blood mist into humans.
If you watch Harry Potter backwards it’s about a wizard that loses his powers and moves back to his aunt’s house into a cupboard under the stairs.
If you watch The Curious Case of Benjamin Button backwards, it’s about a guy growing old and crawling up a woman’s vagina.
If you watch Dawn of the Dead backwards, it’s about stupid people getting off a perfectly good boat to go live in a mall in a zombie-infested city. The blonde woman does get a nice house at the end though. She gets married to some guy who *had* been a zombie, and even gets a job as a nurse.
If you watch Memento backwards you’re actually watching it forwards.
If you watch Aliens backwards, it’s about an outpost on a distant moon that implodes, drawing people to it to suck bullets out of alien creatures. Once all the bullets are removed, the moon sends everyone home again.
If you watch The Shawshank Redemption backwards, it’s about a guy breaking into prison to get fucked in the ass.
If you watch a Bukkake movie backwards, it’s men cleaning women’s faces off with their magic penis vacuums.
If you watch The Big Lebowski backwards the dude gets his rug back.
If you watch Gran Torino backwards, it’s about a guy who comes back from the dead and slowly gets more and more racist.
Adam Yauch of the Beastie Boys Has Cancer
on July 20, 2009 in Popular Culture
“ch-ch-ch-check it out
… he’s got cancer”
“He’s gotta fight
For the right
…to live”
“Now my name is M.C.A. – I’ve got a license to kill
I think you know what time it is – it’s time to get ill
…with cancer”
“Said, ‘doc what’s the condition
I’m a man that’s on a mission’
Said, ‘son, you’d better listen
…you got cancer”
“If you (if you),
wanna know (wanna know),
the real deal about the three.
Well lemme tell ya
…Salivary Gland Cancer”
“NO SLEEP! TILL’!
during the surgery for the tumor. And also no eating 24 hours before it”
Hey Dudes
on July 7, 2009 in Popular Culture, Random Funny
Hey Dudes,
My name is Ted, and I love every single one of you. All of you are radical, gnarly, bodacious people who spend every second of their day listening to awesome music. You are everything rad in the world. Honestly, did any of you miss our last show? (NO WAY!!!) I mean, I guess it’s fun wailing in the air if you can’t really play, but at least you didn’t blow up your amplifiers like we did. This is even better than watching Beethoven rock out at the San Dimas mall.
Don’t be a stranger. Just hit me up. I’m a pretty cool guy. I’m a founding member of Wyld Stallyns, and I rock out on guitar. What kind of music do you play, other than Van Halen? I also got an A on my history report, with the help of Bill, my best friend ever (We just time-traveled from 1988; Shit was MOST excellent). You are all radical dudes who should just be excellent to each other. Party on, dudes!
Pic Related: It’s me and Bill
What Could Billy Mays Sell? IV
on July 4, 2009 in Popular Culture
Continued from: Part III of our tribute to Billy Mays.
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL COMMON SENSE TO SCIENTOLOGISTS
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL CRUNCHY BACON TO WILBUR
- BILLY MAYES COULD SELL BIRTH CONTROL TO A NUN
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL WOMEN’S RIGHTS TO NORTH KOREA
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL WEAKNESS TO CHUCK NORRIS
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL DEMOCRACY TO THE MIDDLE EAST
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A FREEZER TO AN ESKIMO
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL DEFEAT TO THE FRENCH
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL PORK TO MUSLIMS
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL CHEESE TO WISCONSIN
What Could Billy Mays Sell? III
on July 3, 2009 in Popular Culture
Continued from: Part II of our tribute to Billy Mays.
- BILLY MAYES COULD SELL DOMINOES TO PIZZA HUT
- BILLY MAYES COULD SELL WATER TO A FISH
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A PICASSO TO STEVIE WONDER
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A SANDWICH TO NICOLE RITCHIE
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL AIDS TO AN AFRICAN CHILD
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL AN 80-YEAR OLD TO PEDOBEAR
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL AN IMAC TO BILL GATES
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL BLACK SLAVES TO JESSE JACKSON
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL LIGHT BULBS TO THE AMISH
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL SAFE RELIABLE FUEL EFFICIENT IMPORTED CARS TO AMERICANS LIVING IN THE MIDWEST
Next: Part IV of our tribute to Billy Mays.
You must be joking
on July 2, 2009 in Popular Culture, WTF?
50 Cent is one lucky mother-fucker to finally get an opportunity to meet Pruane2Forever.
Seriously, WTF. He actually talks shit about him after.
What Could Billy Mays Sell? II
on July 1, 2009 in Popular Culture
Continued from: Part I of our tribute to Billy Mays.
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL CONDOMS TO THE POPE
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL NAZIS TO JEWS
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL RUNNING SHOES TO A CRIPPLE
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL SOULS TO JESUS
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL MAYS TO BILLY
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL SALT TO THE OCEAN
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL KARATE LESSONS TO CHUCK NORRIS
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL RELIGION TO ATHEISTS
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL VEIL TO A VEGETARIAN
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL MUSIC TO THE DEAF
- BILLY MAYS SOLD HELEN KELLER A DRUM SET
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL CARS TO THE BLIND
- BILLY MAYES COULD SELL SAND TO A BEACH
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A HOUSE WITHOUT BASEMENT TO JOSEF FRITZL
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL MIGHTY PUTTY TO GUMBY
Next: Part III of our tribute to Billy Mays.
What Could Billy Mays Sell?
on June 29, 2009 in Popular Culture
A tribute to Billy Mays.
July 20, 1958 – June 28, 2009
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A 10 DOLLAR BILL FOR ONLY $19.99
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A BEARD TO HIMSELF
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A BIKE TO STEVEN HAWKING
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A BOOK TO A NIGGA
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A BOWFLEX TO CHUCK NORRIS
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A BOX OF AIDS TO UNINTERESTED PARTIES
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A HORSE TO CHRISTOPHER REEVE
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A JONAS BROTHERS CD
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A PANDEMIC VIRUS TO PRESIDENT MADAGASCAR
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL A PLAYSTATION 3
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL ADDITIONAL PYLONS TO THE ZERG
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL ADULT LINK DEKU STICKS
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL AFRICAN RESIDENCY TO YOU
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL AMERICAN CARS
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL AN ETCH-A-SKETCH TO MICHAEL JAY FOX
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL ASIAN MEN MAGNUM CONDOMS
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL BILLY MAYS TO BILLY MAYS
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL COURAGE TO THE FRENCH
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL CP TO CHRIS HANSON
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL CREAM AND CALL IT BUTTER I CAN’T BELIEVE ITS NOT BUTTER
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL DIET WATER
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL FAIL TO CHUCK NORRIS
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL GYM MEMBERSHIPS TO PARALYZED PEOPLE
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL HOMELESS PEOPLE FURNITURE
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL HOT CHOCOLATE IN THE SAHARA
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL ICE TO ESKIMOS
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL INDIANS LAND
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL JANET JACKSON CLOTHES THAT WON’T MALFUNCTION
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL JEWISH PEOPLE HITLER MEMORABILIA
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL JEWISH PEOPLE SOAP MADE OUT OF JEWS
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL LIFE INSURANCE TO GOD
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL LOGIC TO FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIANS
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL MATERNITY CLOTHING AT AN ABORTION CLINIC
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL MICHAEL JACKSON A FEMALE HOOKER
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL MOUNTAIN CLIMBERS LIFEJACKETS
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL MYLEY CYRUS A PORN STARRING BILLY RAY CYRUS
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL PANTIES TO PARIS HILTON
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL REAL MUSIC TO EMO KIDS
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL SLEEPING PILLS TO A COMA PATIENT
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL SNOW TO A RUSSIAN
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL TEA TO THE AMERICAN COLONISTS DURING THE UNFAIR BRITISH TAX LEVIES OF THE LATE 1700S
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL THE COMPLETE DVD SET OF FULL HOUSE
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL THE COMPLETE DVD SET OF FULL HOUSE TO BOB SAGET!
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL THE DEVIL HIS OWN SOUL
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL THE FONZ WORLD OF WARCRAFT
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL THE SHIT HE JUST CRAPPED FOR ONLY $19.95
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL TWILIGHT FANS A REAL VAMPIRE BOOK
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL UNDERWEAR ON ROCK OF LOVE
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL USED CONDOMS
- BILLY MAYS COULD SELL YOU SHIT YOU ALREADY OWN
Next: Part II of our tribute to Billy Mays.