Hey Lakers, good luck with that.

Ron Artest – Workout HOTT Official Music Video 2009

Idiots in sports

Plaxico Burress

Plaxico, or “Plexiglass” as many adoring fans know him, began his illustrious career with the Pittsburgh Steelers. While it was a rocky start at first, it was only a few games before he showcased his impressive decision making skills. When the Steelers were playing the Jacksonville Jaguars, they had no choice but to play good ol’ Plax. In the fourth quarter, Plax made a catch, and went down to the ground untouched. So beside himself that he actually encompassed the skills to catch a ball, he immediately jumped up to spike the ball and celebrate. Now this isn’t uncommon, nor would anyone call you an idiot for doing this. However, only an idiot would do this before they were down. The Jaguars recovered the ball and gained possession.
Plax didn’t stop there. He decided to bring his one man band to a new team. Next stop NY with the Giants. While he did manage to contribute to Super Bowl win, he again became haunted by his uncontainable drive to celebrate. Apparently having some of the largest men in the NFL (if not the world) in your entourage is not enough protection for Plaxico. So Plax, strapped with his favorite unregistered firearm, headed out for a night at a NY club. As he’s having a good time ordering drinks and spiking them before he drinks them, his gun goes off, shooting him in the leg. Why? Because Plax is an idiot. I am sure we can all look forward to learning about how Plax celebrates when he’s in prison.

Adam “Pacman” Jones

I am sure by now you’re thinking that this man is an anomaly. How could an idiot be a product of WVU? While it is uncertain if WVU is the starting place of the best and brightest, one thing is for certain, Adam Pacman Jones is an idiot. Pacman decided to forego his senior year, and a degree, to join the NFL. To say the least, his first two years in the league were eventful. Despite many suspensions and attempts to turn Pacman into a decent person, the idiot in him rose out like flowers blooming in spring. In June of 2007, Pacman decided to make it rain. Who would have thought that throwing piles of hundred dollar bills in the air at a strip club would turn out bad? To no ones surprise, this stunt led to a shooting outside. Unfortunately for Pacman, this eventually led to the end of his career in the NFL. Although he did miss out on the big money of being a standout athlete in the NFL, at least he has that WVU degree to lean back on. Oh, wait…

Michael Vick

I am sure by now you’re seeing a trend. These guys are in sports. Another trend you might have noticed is that they’re undoubtedly idiots. So who is Michael Vick to disappoint? While he has had quite a career and shocked the NFL with his innate ability to scramble all over the field, he also has an innate ability to make bad decisions. In August of 2007, Vick plead guilty to charges regarding his interstate dog fighting ring. He was suspended from the NFL and sentenced to 23 months in prison. Most would think with his success so early in his career he must have a few million to rest on until he gets out of prison. In July of 2008 Vick filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.
Since then Vick has been released from prison. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has reinstated Vick. He was subsequently picked up by the Philadelphia Eagles. While at the moment it may look like things are turning around for Vick, history may be a good indicator that this man is in fact an idiot.

The Minnesota Vikings

The outlook for the 09-10 season for the Vikings looked promising … and then they signed their new QB. Apparently Minnesota didn’t have the NFL Sunday Ticket and managed to ignore Sports Center when they showed highlights of the Jets last year. The Vikings decided to sign Brett “grandpa football” Favre for one season. While he has had a very impressive career, and appears to be hall of fame bound, he might be a little bit past his prime. His last season with the Jets he apparently didn’t wear his prescription bifocals because he had some difficulty identifying his own players and/or throwing the ball in their general direction. While the future is yet to be known for Favre and the Vikings, we can definitely say that the decision makers for the Vikings are idiots (with much thinner wallets). However, this could turn out ok for the Vikings. They may not be holding the Lombardi trophy at the end of the year, but I am sure Favre can hook them all up with some sweet Wrangler Jeans.

T-Pain sings Miami Dolphin’s Anthem

Your boy T-Pain has auto-tuned his way into the hearts of Dolphin’s fans with his rendition of the Miami Dolphin’s anthem, originally written by Lee Ofman in 1973. Ofman couldn’t be reached for comment, but we think he would have this to say, “WTF?!?”.

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Hey
Heyee
Lea eah ‘ts Go!
Miami has the Dolphins, the greatest football team.
We take the ball from goal to goal like no one’s ever seen.
We’re in the air; we’re on the ground; we’re always in control,
And when you say Miami, you’re talking Super Bowl;
‘Cause we’re the Miami Dolphins, Miami Dolphins,
Miami Dolphins, number one! Number one!
We’re the Miami Dolphins, Miami Dolphins,
Miami Dolphins, number one! Number one!
(“Come on Go, come on, Goal”)
[Rinse, Repeat]

Congratulations Dolphins. You can’t win games but at least T-Pain is behind you.

In case you were wondering, here’s the original:

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Thanks again, T-Pain; definitely an improvement and you didn’t ruin it at all.

Super Serial Sports Statements

• Donovan McNabb knows how to win Super Bowls.
• The Indianapolis Colts made the biggest mistake in football history taking Payton Manning over Ryan Leaf.
• Gary Bettman is a genius. Why would you let some idiot like Jim Balsillie take a hockey team out of the desert and into such a poor hockey market like Canada.
• The 72′ Dolphins couldn’t hold a candle to the 08′ Lions.
• Mike Gundy is in his 30′s.
• Mike Tyson should be a narrator.
• Alan Iverson should write the books that Tyson narrates. They should all be about practice.
• Eagles fans are delightful, well spoken, and friendly.
• The clock counting up with extra time randomly added at the end in soccer isn’t stupid at all.
• The New York Yankees are underrated.
• Urban Meyer would not leave his wife for Tim Tebow.

Why Baseball sucks

Just about everyone in the world knows what baseball is. Some have played, most have watched, and everyone knows how much it sucks. You couldn’t pay me to watch it. Ok, you could, but I wouldn’t enjoy it. There are several reasons why baseball is the worst sport ever:

1. No salary cap. While the highest payroll doesn’t guarantee a championship, it does guarantee that players like Alex “bitch tits” Rodriguez make entirely way too much money. No salary cap also eliminates any possible balance in the league. Don’t believe me? Look at the Pirates. They wouldn’t stand a chance in a series against any of the top teams. If they had any players who would give them a shot, they would undoubtedly trade them away for “prospects”. Baseball sucks.
2. The widespread use of steroids. Exhibit A: Bary Bonds:
   No explanation needed. You don’t go from being as skinny as Paris Hilton to bigger than Brock Lesner on Muscle Milk and Creatine. Baseball sucks.
   
   Exhibit B: Manny Ramirez:
   
   He obviously gets his haircut by the same barber as the predator. While this doesn’t prove he does roids, his recent conduct makes it pretty evident. While he didn’t admit to taking any performance enhancing drugs, he accepted a 52 game suspension for a banned substance used to cover up the use of steroids. That’s not too obvious; I can see why people aren’t convinced. Baseball sucks.
   
   Exhibit C: Alex Rodriguez:
   
   Bitch Tits.
3. Pete Rose being banned from the hall of fame. For what? Betting on the games? If you made me sit in the dugout full of spit blood and semen (I’m sure it’s there) for half my life I’d be doing much worse things than betting. I am sure he just said “I bet you $100 this game is going to be boring as fuck”. Pete Rose should not be punished for trying to bring excitement to an otherwise boring game. Baseball sucks.
4. The pace of the game. I remember being a kid in the outfield. I am surprised I didn’t kill myself. The highlight of my day wasn’t if/when a ball was hit to me, it was stepping on bees. I can’t imagine it gets any better when you’re a pro. The catcher fingers himself for 20 minutes until the pitcher approves, then the pitcher rolls the baseball around in his hand imagining it’s the catcher’s ball sack that he just fingered. Finally he throws the ball. If by chance the batter hits it, the odds of anything exciting happening are slim to none. Baseball is a slow shitty game. Baseball sucks.
5. Big “plays” of the game. You can’t make a spectacular catch in baseball. Either it’s in the glove or it’s not. There is an off chance someone will catch it bare handed, but that’s still not cool. One of the biggest “accomplishments” in baseball is a no-hitter. Thanks dick, you just eliminated any possible chance of this game being remotely entertaining. Baseball sucks.
6. Buster Olney: Who really enjoys this guy? Who cares if he knows a lot about baseball. What kind of name is Buster anyway? He is just biding his time until ESPN covers furry conventions. Why? Because baseball sucks.