Baby Wipes

I never liked going number two, and don’t even get me started on pooping in public. Pooping always seemed like a complete waste of time. Of course I know pooping has a purpose, I just wish it wasn’t so involved. Not to mention all the times I’ve had an itchy ass. Who can forget the unpleasant, and sometimes frequent, trips back to the bathroom just for a re-wipe. That was until I was reintroduced to the ever so brilliant invention, the baby wipe.

I say reintroduced because, like a lot of people I know, I used to use baby wipes. Well I didn’t use them by myself, but to avoid this sentence being flagged by the FBI, I’ll leave it at that. It wasn’t until I was older did I understand the social norm of cleaning myself after a poop with a dry and supposedly soft piece of paper was and still is, ridiculous. I think we’ve all been there at some point. The itchy ass, the skid marks, the clumps of paper (dingle berries); need I go on? I, like most, used to think that was the creme de creme of toiletry sanitation.

After all I did learn in history class about out houses and having to bury ones poop, hopefully your own, in a hole and wipe yourself with a leaf. Depending on where you grew up, your first lesson about poison ivy was not to use it if you were wiping yourself in the woods. But I digress.

Before I had been officially reintroduced to baby wipes, I heard about the bidet. My first experience with a bidet was at my friend’s house in high school. I never used it and thought the entire idea was absurd. That was until I met my college roommate. Whenever we ran out of toilet paper, he wouldn’t even skip a beat. After a poop he just hung his bare ass over the tub and, as he put it, “splashed his ass out.” A poor man’s bidet if you will. After those two experiences, dingle berries weren’t looking all that bad.

Eventually I heard someone speak about using baby wipes as an adult, and I decided to give them a try. WOW what a difference. Compared to how I wipe now, I was living in the dark ages. Don’t get me wrong, I still use traditional toilet paper. There’s actually a very delicate process and procedure to follow when an adult uses baby wipes. I’ll demonstrate.

Well not demonstrate, I’ll just type it out. Sicko.

1. Poop
2. Wipe with toilet paper until clean
3. Wipe with baby wipes until clean
4. Wipe with toilet paper until dry

Awesome.

In closing, if you don’t use a bidet, splash your ass out over the side of a bathtub, or use baby wipes enjoy your itchy ass and dingle berries.