Public Nose Picking

It’s no secret, you have boogers. I have boogers. We all have boogers. It’s a fact of life. I think it’s buried deep in our genetic code. In fact, there is a booger gene that only has one job, to make sure we have snot. I know you don’t believe me, and that’s because you’re not a geneticist. I know that because, well I don’t know you’re not a geneticist, I’m just assuming because you’re reading this. Back to boogers.

Boogers need to come out. There are many ways to get boogers out, but there is one way that is very efficient and precise, and that’s to pick them out. Yes I’m talking about nose picking. You can act all high and mighty about how you don’t pick your nose, but you know that’s a lie. You pick, and it’s ok. I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to wait until you’re in complete privacy to pick those uncomfortable chunks of dried, sometimes creamy, mucus out of your nostrils. With my trusted technique, you can pick your nose anywhere without being detected.

So you have a booger. A huge booger wedged deep in your nostril and you know how great it’s going to feel to scrape that good for nothing nugget out of your nose. So you realize you need to pick your nose, but you want to make sure no one sees you. The fist step to an undetectable nose pick is to find a good spotter.

The spotter is someone around you that looks like they are really aware of their surroundings. Find someone around you that is the guy that points and laughs at people who fart or pick their nose. You will use this guy as the spotter. As long as the spotter isn’t looking at you, no one will be looking at you. Trust me. It sounds like it won’t work, but that’s because you’re an idiot and I’m a genius. Pick your nose as feverishly as your little heart desires so long as that bully of a spotter doesn’t catch you. If he catches you, you’re done. I mean done; he’ll mark you as a public nose picker for life. Don’t let this happen. If he starts to turn around, just act like you’re scratching your nose. He’ll never even think you’re picking it. If he sees your finger in your nose a little, just act like you’re just scratching the inside a little. Everyone gets an itch or two inside, and it’s ok to scratch it. If you’re caught with your finger up your nose picking a booger, you’ve failed.

Some people find that the spotter is too risky. They aren’t very quick with retracting their finger from the deep recesses of their nostrils and therefore would never even attempt he spotter technique. For those of you who find this to be true I have another, albeit less sophisticated, technique for you to use.

Typically boogers that you want to pick are those that are impossible to dislodge simply with a nose blow into a tissue. If you’re a person that doesn’t have faith in the spotter technique, you need something to help you get rid of those nose boulders. My second technique is called the not exactly nose picking tissue pick.

You may have seen people that pick their nose. You probably made fun of them until they cried. I bet you never made fun of someone who picked their nose with a layer of tissue on their finger. That’s what I thought.

Some people will call this nose picking, but they are retarded, mostly. Picking with a tissue covered finger is completely legit. You can’t do something like this on tv or in the movies, but in a public park with Frisbees and dogs, no sweat. No one will even think twice. Just don’t throw your nose picking tool on the ground.

The not exactly nose picking tissue pick is a very good technique, but some people don’t feel comfortable with this either. Surprisingly there is one last technique that people can use to rid their nose holes of any chewy, stick to your teeth, nose chunks. The last, but not least, booger removal technique is called the reverse pick.

The reverse pick has been around for many years. It is probably the least technical method of nose rock removal, but it’s also arguably the most discrete method. For those of you who are not familiar with this technique have probably witnessed the reverse pick, but just didn’t know it. A lot of people even perform the reverse pick, but don’t even realize it.

The reverse pick is typically used for liquid boogers. Let’s say you’re outside building a perverted snowman in your front yard. You know what I mean, the carrot and coal belong on the face, nowhere else. Anyway, if you’ve been out in the cold for a while, your nose will start to run. What do most people do? They sniff. The sniff is actually synonymous with the reverse pick. While most people are completely ok with sniffing liquid boogers down into their throats, they never think to do this with solid boogers. But believe me, if you sniff long and hard enough you will get that chunky rock out of your nose in no time. Sometimes they are even big enough and moving fast enough to make you cough a little. The coughing means you did it right.

So next time you have a booger, don’t be an idiot and pick your nose and get caught. Use one of my tested and trusted techniques and you’ll be booger and ridicule free in no time.