She’s getting fat

What’s the world’s most fattening food?
Wedding cake.

How to tell your girl she’s getting fat without actually saying it. 60% of the time these suggestions will works every time.

• Break up with her. Problem solved.
• Say, “BEEP BEEP BEEP” every time she backs up.
• Stop eating. After about two weeks, say “I recently lost ten pounds by deciding not to eat whenever I saw you eating. Now it’s your turn.”
• Any time when you’re lying together, pretend to be fooling around and tickle or poke her in her fatty areas and say “poke” (because girls love that sort of shit). Do this subtlety and repeatedly until she gets paranoid and says, “Leave my fat alone.” Then you say, “Oh I love your fat.” Repeat that method until she says, “Do you think I’ve put on weight?” Shrug and say, “Maybe a little, but I wouldn’t have noticed.” Quickly change subject and have sex. Repeat this interaction until she’s sufficiently paranoid and gets off her chocolate filled ass and loses the weight.
• Ask her, “Honey, are you pregnant?”
• Tell her you think she’s lost weight.
• Say, “Hey baby you sure are getting ugly.”
• Say, “Did you pick up the wrong dry cleaning, because I could swear these aren’t your clothes.”
• Don’t brush your teeth and then wait for her to break up with you.
• Ask, “Did your clothes shrink?”
• Claim that you are feeling fat yourself, and that you want to lose some weight. She’ll probably propose you both trying to lose weight together; bla bla bla. Note this obligates you to lose weight too, so it might not be the best.
• Write it down on a piece of paper and show it to her. What? You’re not actually “saying it”.
• Don’t tell her she’s fat. Just start going to the gym and ask her to go with you.
• Follow these steps:
  1. Buy delicious cake
  2. Eat all of cake yourself
  3. Leave some crumbs
  4. Ask her, “Did you eat all this delicious cake?”
  5. When she says “no” point at her fat and say “I think you might have.”
  6. Then run like the wind.
• Frequently buy her clothes in the size you’d like her to be and give it to her as a present.

Future Article: My boyfriend is subtly trying to tell me I’m fat. How should I subtly tell him that I’m cheating on his ass with his best friend?