MySpace Morons

The people on MySpace are ridiculous.

Congratulations on the new layout, it sucks. Most of the pre-configured layouts I see blow ass. I can’t even figure out what I’m looking at half the time. It’s hard as hell to read anything and no one wants to scroll left and right. Just because the browser can scroll left and right doesn’t mean it should. Are you so important that the regular screen size wasn’t enough for your boring web page? Please. Where are you people getting these lame ass layouts anyway? Do you even look at the layouts before you use them? You’ve seen these clusterfucks of ridiculousness. They have so much stuff on them that you can’t ever find anything reasonable to read or look at and it usually takes fifteen minutes to load. Well done, webmaster.

Most people’s pages are so cluttered, there’s no point. What am I supposed to accomplish on your page? Find out you like shitty pop music and “pretty much like everything”. Yeah, someone actually wrote that. What makes you think anyone cares? You weren’t interesting before MySpace and you’re not interesting now. I can understand if you invented the wheel or something. Then there’s relevance to a MySpace page, but you? Please.

Another great feature of a moron’s MySpace page will usually be an interesting combination of colors. Either these people are really color blind or they must really enjoy giving people seizures. It hurts to even look at some of these pages, let alone read anything. Here’s a pointer; when people have to squint to see your page, you may want to rethink your color scheme. You know, spin the color wheel a few times and see what comes up. A neat rule of thumb you should always remember; pink does not go well with any color that starts with neon, ass.

I love how people are completely unfazed by the idea that potentially (and I stress potentially) millions of visitors will be seeing everything they post, including their idiotic pictures. These profiles are very much like car wrecks. You don’t want to look, but you just can’t help it. Another thing about your god-awful pictures; please stop being so careless with your extra body fat. I have no clue what makes you think we want to see that. There’s a reason why they don’t make sexy shirts in extra-large; and no, the medium doesn’t fit you.

Hey Morons, stop posting random pictures of hot models, celebrities, and athletes. You don’t know them, and they don’t know you. And if they did, they would deny it. You’re not fooling anyone into thinking you’re interesting, sexy, intelligent and/or original. You’re mediocre and you know it. Get your own life.Thank Tom MySpace allows me to prevent your shitty music from playing when I load your shitty page. Playing music as soon as a visitor opens your page is flat out 1996. If I wanted to hear a remix of some crappy rap song (for the umpteenth time) I would have downloaded myself. I don’t care to listen to your favorite song; it’s your favorite song, not mine. In the unlikely event that I do want to hear your favorite crappy song, I’ll hit play. Try going to a bus stop and telling the people standing there how much you like Rihanna’s new song. Better yet, as soon as someone looks at you start singing it. They’ll kick your ass immediately. I would love to see that. No one cares about you or favorite song. Delete your life.

What is with people taking pictures of themselves in the bathroom? If one day you’re feeling really artsy, and decide it would be totally awesome to go to the room, where you usually leave poop, to take a photo of yourself in the mirror, stop and follow these instructions.

1. Fill bathtub with water.
2. Find something you can plug into an electrical socket such as a hair dryer or curling iron and plug it into the wall.
3. Jump into the tub holding the item found in #2.
4. Die

Just because someone’s picture is inside a box called Idiot’s friends doesn’t mean any of them are your real friends, and we know that. The number of friends in your friends section is not a reflection of anything remotely important. I’ll bet the number of friends you have on MySpace is probably inversely proportional to the number of friends you have in real life. Like anyone believes Jenna Jameson is your friend. Are you implying that the Jenna is your real friend, or that the other people in your list are not your real friends? Get a life. It’s probably not even Jenna Jameson. Like she has time to add you to her friend’s list. She is too busy pleasing me.

No I don’t like your page and no I don’t want to be your imaginary friend. I’ve had about enough of these random friend requests. If you aren’t the one of the two friends I have in real life, then don’t request to be my friend on MySpace. I’ve got MySpace friend requests coming out my ass. From who you may wonder? Hot girls who want nothing more than casual guilt free sex? HA. I laugh at the irony. Hell No. These requests are ALWAYS completely off the wall and tremendously unappealing. I hate people’s explanations of why I should be there friend.

Friend Request Reenactment
“High, I’m (loser nobody cares about) and I saw your pictures and your profile and I think you’re a really cool and funny.”

Oh Yeah? And what else? I’m surprised at your uncanny ability to deduce my level of coolness based solely on my page. Even though you are completely right, I doubt you figured this out by looking at my pictures. A picture is worth a thousand words my ass. You don’t know me, and if you did, you would never have requested me to be your friend.

“So maybe you would like to talk some time?”

Talk? Who needs talk? Apparently my pictures are so revealing that we should just jump right to being 40 with 3 kids and a dog, or maybe a cat. I can’t really tell because your pictures suck. What exactly are you trying to do in picture 4? Gross.

“Anyway, catch ya later! Hope to hear from you soon!”

Don’t hold your breath. Better yet; pretend you’re underwater, forever.

People try to be intelligent and argue with me by asking me irrelevant questions.

“If MySpace sucks so much, why is it the most popular website in the world?” –Some idiot

Because MySpace attracts idiots, and most people are idiots, just like you. Keep up the good work, moron.

“If you hate MySpace so much, why do you have a page?” –Another idiot

I never said I hated MySpace. Besides, the main reason people hate MySpace is because of the people on it. So do us all a favor, please delete your MySpace account and go do something meaningful with your life.

1. Goto myspace.com and login, for the last time.
2. Click the Home link (first link on the left under the banner ad at the top).
3. Click Account Settings link.
4. Under Change Account Settings, click the -Cancel Account- link.
5. Click the Cancel My Account button to confirm removal.

You’re doing society a favor and we thank you.