Public Pooping

Public pooping sucks for guys. We all do it but rarely do we talk about it; until now.

Cheap toilet paper is the number one reason I hate to poop in public, yet it’s for some reason accepted practice for public pooping. I’ll be honest, I like my butt hole. I like that it doesn’t hurt or bleed regularly. I don’t like how wiping with cheap toilet paper makes me wish I would have just not wiped and dealt with the itch. It’s amazing that even in some fortune 500 companies you’ll find five cent rolls of toilet paper in every bathroom. Do you think the CEO of these companies wipes his or her ass with gravel glued to barbed wire? Didn’t think so, but I guess it’s ok for all the people that make the company run to wipe their supple asses with this sandpaper they call humane. Bullshit. Does OSHA do studies on the physical and psychological effects of rubbing an ass raw at the workplace? Well they should.

As with anything, in order to get the job done right you need the right tools. So let’s say you are equipped with a soft supple cotton like feather brush of a top quality toilet paper, there are a few other things you need to learn to avoid.

The never ending wipe is one of my biggest poowrongping pet peeves. You know, when you try to rush a poop and try to wipe? I can always tell I rushed a poop because when I go for the final wipe, there’s always way too much poop on the tissue. It doesn’t matter how many times I try to wipe either. There’s always plenty more where that came from! We all know the general rule of thumb for avoiding an itchy ass; get a clean wipe. Without the clean wipe, you’ll be scratching your ass all day. Sit tight and don’t push too hard. The clean wipe will come, just let it happen.

Public bathrooms are hideous for guys. Some establishments have reasonable facilities, but a guy generally has a snowball’s chance in hell of finding a decent public bathroom. A lot of times you’ll here girls wish they could pee standing up. Well as liberating as peeing standing up may sound, I’d much rather have to sit and pee than, when I have to poop, sit in the urine of the last guy who decided to paint his version of Picaso’s whatever all over the seat. If I carried a janitor’s closet with me I could easily just clean the seat and all would be well; but I don’t. I have to use the pretend ass protection that hangs on the wall above toilets. What are these worthless “seat covers” for? Are they ass stickers? I can’t imagine how this thinner than toilet paper layer of bullshit is going to protect me from anything.

Women always tell men to put the toilet seat down. I’m here to tell women to shut the fuck up. Every time I’m in a public bathroom, the seat is down and full of piss. Thanks girls. If you let us just leave the seat up, guys won’t put it down and other guys piss on it. By the fucking way, if you’re a guy, you shouldn’t be pissing in the stall unless you’re able to ignore your wife, girlfriend, or mom and lift the fucking seat before you take a piss. If you have issue with this, wait in line and pee in the urinal. Girls don’t have this issues with pee on the seat because they always sit on the seat to piss, hence why they always want it down. Well guys always stand to pee and always have bad aim, which leads to a wet ass seat. So for the sake of me not soaking your boys yellow bladder water into my thighs, I’d much rather he leave the seat up. Thanks.

So you’re in the public bathroom stall, you’ve finally found some cleaning supplies or have just balled up some tissue and squirted some soap on it to wipe down the seat. In other words, you’ve successfully found a way to poop in a public place. Congratulations! Many a meeting has been postponed by people who cannot bare to poop in a public place and must go home to “do the deed”. But not you, you’re a man!

The next lesson you need to learn is the courtesy flush. This is a public bathroom, and you’re probably the only person that likes your brand of shit. Trust me, no one is running to the bathroom to smell your ass product, so it would be nice if you did what you could do to minimize the number of guys passing out on the bathroom floor. The second any poop comes out of your hole, flush. Yes I know the water sometimes splashes up on your ass and yes I know it’s cold, but that water helps with wiping and remember it’s for the greater good. All I’m saying is the courtesy flush is greatly appreciated and goes a long way. Some guys have even bought me drinks because I was so courtesy with my flushing. No joke. Well that was a joke, and kinda gay, but there isn’t anything wrong with that.

The next lesson you need to learn about public pooping is that guys don’t knock. I’m not sure if guys are just retarded, but they seem to think if a door doesn’t open, it’s probably just stuck. Never does a locked door trigger the thought that someone, me, is behind the door pooping. If this happens to you, just scream, “hey someone’s in here”, or “yo!”, or my personal favorite (in the deepest voice you can muster) “oh you like that Steve? How about I smear it on your face? Would you like that?”

Tell me that wouldn’t stop someone from opening the door.

Anyway, I think I’ve helped you enough. Pooping in public bathrooms sucks, butt I think with the few helpful hints I’ve provided, your next poop in public will be much more enjoyable.