Weightlifters

Weightlifters Rule, Everyone Else Doesn’t.

According to the Men’s Health article “The Greatest Workout Known To Man” weightlifters (aka Olympic weightlifters) put every other type of lifter to shame.

Olympic Weightlifter Facts (from the article)

• Best overall athletes
• Highest average vertical jump (of any sport)
• They have only two lifts (snatch, clean ‘n jerk). Both kick ass.
• They are lean, and aesthetically pleasing. They don’t have big fat bellys like their cousins, the “power lifters”. Those fat asses.
• They can easily lift me over their head; which would be amazing to see, and experience.
• They kick major ass. (I added this because I think the author of the article forgot it, but I’m not sure how you can ever forget this fact.)

Pretty cool huh? Yeah, I thought so too. Here’s something else I didn’t know. According to some website I found, there are four types of lifters:

1. Weight Trainers
2. Body Builders
3. Power Lifters
4. Weightlifters (aka Olympic Weightlifters)

That being said, here’s my personalized descriptions of each group:

Weight Trainers

This group makes up the majority of the sloth that you’ll find in any local gym. These people are generally a bunch of ass grabbing wannabes who spend most of their time in front of the mirror hogging the 65 lb dumb bells. I’ve never seen one person do so many variations of the bicep curl. P.S. listen you morons, there are other lifts, and muscles for that matter. Too bad the mirror doesn’t go all the way down. Then you would realize that having biceps bigger than your thighs doesn’t so look good. But who ever said you had taste in what looks good?

Body Builders

The male version of a beauty queen. These guys are about three minutes away from the evening wear event in a beauty competition. Seriously. Have you ever seen these guys in the gym? They’re worse than weight trainers when it comes to that mirror. Why is there a mirror anyway? I guess so people can pay close attention to their bulk as they perform 90% of their lifts incorrectly. Anyway, body builders are just bulky metros. And we all know a metro is just a homosexual that hasn’t come out of the closet yet. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Power Lifters

The first thing that comes to mind is absurdly large men lifting absurdly heavy weights. And by absurdly, I mean I wouldn’t want to look like these guys. If they didn’t wear cut off shirts that said, “I bench 1,000 lbs” we would have no clue these guys could lift anything more than a nacho to their fat faces. I think these guys find power lifting rewarding only when they have other power lifter buddies around to talk about how much weight they can push around. Oh yeah? Well why don’t you start using some of that muscle for good? You say you can squat a house? Go plow a field you mule. Oh you say that you can’t even run a mile without fainting? Yeah, that’s what I thought. You’re worthless.

Weightlifters

This is the only group you should even consider associating with. Not only do they have the ability to lift huge amounts of weight, their bodies are actually aesthetically pleasing. And since we’re talking about the Olympics, we’re also talking about (for the most part) enhancement free human beings. No steroids here boys. You can eat as many pills as you want or stab yourself in the ass; you’re still going to be second rate to these athletes.

These guys can jump higher than your average basketball player. Move over Mugsy Bogues, you don’t have anything on these cats. These guys can lift you and two of your buddies over their head. How about that for kick ass? It’s amazing we don’t hear more about these guys. All I ever hear is Mr. Universe this and Mr. Universe that and the occasional tow-truck driving power lifter who benches over 1,000 lbs. (No offense to tow-truck drivers.) So I think everyone who goes to a gym should only lift Olympic lifts. No more mirror muscle workouts. The days of flexing your bulky biceps atop your twig like legs should be long forgotten. No more bench workouts 4 times a week. No one cares that you can move all that weight from your fat belly to the end of your arm. How far is that anyway; 7 inches? Nice work. Try putting half that weight over your head. It’s time for the real athletes to move in and start their ass kickery.

So next time you go to the gym be observant. Look around and see if you can spot anyone from the groups I’ve described. Heck, you may even have a moment of clarity and self realization when you find out you should quit what you’re doing and be a real man. Be a weightlifter.