Free credit report

Too bad i didnt know my credit was whack
Now im driving off the lot in a used sub compact
F. R. E. E. that spells free,
credit report.com baby.

Admit it, you just sang that song in his voice and you hate it.

Surgery III

Things you don’t want to hear before the anesthesia kicks in.

• Doctor, is there supposed to be that much blood?
• Yeah, Dr. Ross is stuck in a storm, but no worries I haven’t lost a game of operation in almost five years
• So is this the man who needs the hysterectomy?
• Dammit that bitch in radiology gave me something. I swear my cock itches like a mutherfucker.
• Welcome to celebrity surgery live, where one of our five remaining celebrities will be selected to perform a life-threatening operation on an unsuspecting patient.
• Nurse, take off your clothes.
• Hi everyone. My name is Michael J. Fox and I’ll be your surgeon today.

Surgery II

Things you don’t want to hear before the anesthesia kicks in.

• I hope I don’t get sick like the last time.
• Hey, I think we gave him way too much anesthesia. What did the directions say?
• SO LARRY R U GONNA PUT THAT RIGHT THAR POKEY THING INSIDE HEM?
• Get some ice ready; he looks like he has healthy kidneys.
• Okay nurse; beer me.
• I hope this goes better than last time.
• He’s not going to wake up.
• Make it look like an accident.
• The anus-relaxing qualities of the anesthesia make for a pleasant side benefit.
• Oh man look at his cock! haha, we have to take pictures.
• His wife was pretty hot. Maybe we should fuck her while he’s under.
• Here’s another one for my blooper reel!
• I wonder if his ass will feel raw if I don’t use lube.
• This is a sex change operation, right?
• Ugh, I hate these masks. I’m taking mine off. AAHHH CHOOO

Surgery I

Things you don’t want to hear before the anesthesia kicks in.

• Oops
• Do we get to use the saw this time?
• This one will make a fine corpse.
• Now, where did I put the how to video?
• Now, where did i put the lube?
• Nurse, gimmie another bottle of whiskey.
• Why would he want this penis removed?
• I’ll bet this one has a lovely anus.
• bow chica bow wow
• Nurse, remember to vacuum out my semen this time.
• This time I get the mouth.
• So we’re giving him a vagina, right?
• We’re all gonna rape the shit out of your anaesthetized body.
• Yeah, his wife died in the accident.
• I’m so fucking high right now.

She’s getting fat

What’s the world’s most fattening food?
Wedding cake.

How to tell your girl she’s getting fat without actually saying it. 60% of the time these suggestions will works every time.

• Break up with her. Problem solved.
• Say, “BEEP BEEP BEEP” every time she backs up.
• Stop eating. After about two weeks, say “I recently lost ten pounds by deciding not to eat whenever I saw you eating. Now it’s your turn.”
• Any time when you’re lying together, pretend to be fooling around and tickle or poke her in her fatty areas and say “poke” (because girls love that sort of shit). Do this subtlety and repeatedly until she gets paranoid and says, “Leave my fat alone.” Then you say, “Oh I love your fat.” Repeat that method until she says, “Do you think I’ve put on weight?” Shrug and say, “Maybe a little, but I wouldn’t have noticed.” Quickly change subject and have sex. Repeat this interaction until she’s sufficiently paranoid and gets off her chocolate filled ass and loses the weight.
• Ask her, “Honey, are you pregnant?”
• Tell her you think she’s lost weight.
• Say, “Hey baby you sure are getting ugly.”
• Say, “Did you pick up the wrong dry cleaning, because I could swear these aren’t your clothes.”
• Don’t brush your teeth and then wait for her to break up with you.
• Ask, “Did your clothes shrink?”
• Claim that you are feeling fat yourself, and that you want to lose some weight. She’ll probably propose you both trying to lose weight together; bla bla bla. Note this obligates you to lose weight too, so it might not be the best.
• Write it down on a piece of paper and show it to her. What? You’re not actually “saying it”.
• Don’t tell her she’s fat. Just start going to the gym and ask her to go with you.
• Follow these steps:
  1. Buy delicious cake
  2. Eat all of cake yourself
  3. Leave some crumbs
  4. Ask her, “Did you eat all this delicious cake?”
  5. When she says “no” point at her fat and say “I think you might have.”
  6. Then run like the wind.
• Frequently buy her clothes in the size you’d like her to be and give it to her as a present.

Future Article: My boyfriend is subtly trying to tell me I’m fat. How should I subtly tell him that I’m cheating on his ass with his best friend?

Questions; a social experiment

Question; it’s for lack of a better name, but a fun experiment nonetheless.

• Submit a question.
• Vote for a question.
• Comment on a question.

Try it out!

I like hores

Good Burger

Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?

You just said that in his voice.

Pet Pevees

1. I hate how in porn, it takes forever before the actual fucking begins. I’m not talking about when they are just building sexual tension. I’m talking about with the girl is talking to the camera guy. And why is the camera guy even talking? STFU.
2. I hate when porno sluts scream at the top of their lungs to try to make us believe they are having an orgasm when you know they are faking.
3. I also really hate when they show the guys face for more than 5 seconds. Really, stop doing that.
4. Why do porns have the shot from behind where the guy’s asshole is shown? Who likes that?
5. In porn, Whenever the guy talks more often or louder than the girl.
6. In porn, where the women sucks dick for more than 1 minute. Any fellatio is boring to watch. I want the bang bang.
7. So I have a lot of pet pevees about porn. Get off my back.
8. Gagging blowjobs. The girl is almost throwing up, and sometimes she does. Is this turning you on? Freak.
9. Getting the hiccups.
10. People who constantly have to “one-up” you, just to make themselves feel superior.
11. PEOPLE THAT CAPITALIZE EVERY FUCKING WORD IN A SENTENCE.
12. I hate fat people who are proud to be fat. You’re not proud you over compensating self conscious fatty.
13. People who sing songs they don’t know the words to.
14. People who pretend to be really rich but aren’t at all.
15. People with loud fucking voices about everything
16. People who attempt to be funny but fail miserably.
17. Couples that say “i love you” after a day of dating.
18. Couples who fight alot (especially in public) and stay together.
19. When girls love their boyfriends even when they treat them like shit.
20. People who flaunt the fact that they drink, smoke, and party.
21. Girls who are clearly whores, but will never admit it.

I hate fat people

I’m not talking like a little chubby; I’m talking like a morbidly obese.

I hate the fat people that complain about being fat. Unless you have a glandular disease or some other type of PHYSICAL problem, then STFU and go run a few miles.

I love how fat people complain about skinny people, and try to be beautiful. You’ll never be beautiful holding fast food.

I hate how they fucking breathe so loudly.

I hate fat white women. Of all of the fat people in the world, fat white women are the worst.

I hate seeing fat people naked; it burns my fucking eyes.

I hate fat people, unless it’s Santa Claus. He’s just jolly.

I hate fat people that advertise their obesity as a “disability”. You are not disabled, you are a fatass.

Triple cheeseburger, extra mayo, large fries, oh, and a large Diet Coke. As if the Diet Coke is going to offset the rest of the calories and the boatloads of saturated fat; you dumbass fat fucking heifer.

Fat people FEED on sympathy. The more slack you give them, the more they feel it’s “okay” to stay fat and useless.

Fat children.

This boggles my fucking mind. How, as a parent, can you look at a kid who’s breathing heavy from walking up the steps and think to yourself “I’m doing a good job?” That’s fucking child abuse if you ask me.

I hate how fat women in general say they “aren’t” fat, but instead are “curvy”, “voluptuous” and “big-boned” at the same time. What the fuck is this shit? You’re a fat manatee you obese bitch. What are thin people then, “thin boned?”

I hate fat chicks who don’t realize how fat they are and walk around in short shorts and tube tops.

I can’t stand how fat people describe their weight as something they can’t help, that its entirely out of their hands.

I hate fat girls who think their cleavage is sexy or one of their best features. The only reason your tits are so big is because you eat so much. And they aren’t even good boobs, they are just meat sacks hanging off your fat torso.

The only way it’s alright for you to be fat is if you’re a black guy. Big black guys are cool, like Big from Rob & Big or Fat Albert. Oh yeah, and the forementioned Santa Clause.

I hate that fat people are still attracted to skinny people. They expect to get a skinny mate but they don’t have the common decency to make themselves skinny for their prospective mate.

I hate how fat bitches have this attitude like they’re the shit because they got fucked by dudes looking for a quick hit. This just blows up their ego. This is called “fatitude”.

I hate anyone who thinks being fat is “natural”. It’s not.

I hate when fat people tell skinny people they have to eat more and get more meat on their bones. Why, so they can be fat like you?

If I worked at a grocery store, I would purposely keep the motorized scooters uncharged.

But it’s not just fat people. I also hate skinny people that don’t work out or have a good diet. You’re not skinny because you’re so god dam good at diet and exercise; you’re just naturally skinny. However you’ve convinced yourself that this is due to some inherent superiority on your part. probably because you don’t have anything else to feel good about yourself.