Anti-jokes

Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A: “Where’s my tractor?”

*Knock Knock*
“Who’s there?”
“This is the police, we have a warrant for your arrest.”

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender looks up and asks him, “Why the long face?”
The horse says, “I have AIDS.”

A Black man, a mexican, and a russian walk into a bar. What a great example of a united society.

Q: What did the homeless man get for Christmas?
A: Nothing

Q: What do you call a Mexican flying a plane?
A: A pilot.

Q: How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One.

A bear walks into a bar. The zoo workers come in afterwards, tranquilize him and take him back to the zoo because he is a bear and he cannot be in a bar.

Q: How do you stop a clown from smiling?
A: Hit it with an axe.

Q: How are a plum and a rabbit alike?
A: They’re both purple, except for the rabbit.

*Knock Knock*
“Who’s there?”
“UPS sir, I have a delivery for you.”
“Oh thank you. This must be the book I ordered from amazon.com.”

A dog walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender realizes how silly this is, and wakes up from his dream. He rolls over and tells his wife about it, who ignores him. He begins to cry silently knowing that his marriage is falling into shambles.

Q: What did the black man say to the white woman?
A: I would enjoy having sexual intercourse with you after a few drinks and friendly conversation.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Your mother is a whore.

Too much Xbox?

So what happens when you play too much Xbox?

A half a box of condoms

It is a beautiful sunny day, and my relationship status is such that I am cleaning out my sock drawer. I get to the bottom, and discover 5 blue, foil squares. Ah…old friends, I remember you well. The optimism of buying a box of 12. The butterflies in the stomach on the night of your unveiling. And now you sit abandoned. And, it turns out, soon to expire. I’m a frugal sort. I hate wasting anything. So now I’ve got a timeline for final deployment: August 2009. I’m very task oriented–I love working against a deadline.

Was he a pirate?

Hey, guys, could use your advice about this. I was dating this guy for a few weeks, but it always felt like something was just a little “off.” I finally broke it off with him, but I felt bad doing it.

After discussing it with some co-workers, they suggested that he might have been a pirate. All of a sudden it became clear: the eye-patch, the wooden leg, the way he always had that giant parrot perched on his shoulder. I realized every time he’d kiss me goodnight he would wink and then whisper, “Arrrrr, matey! I had a great time tonight!” His recurring struggle with rickets was troubling to me, too. And during our break-up talk, he became upset and yelled “Avast ye, wench!” and covered his teary eyes with a dirty, red and white striped handkerchief.

What do you think? Was I dating a pirate?

Older Women

I have dated plenty of older women. My experience has been that they far outshine the capabilities of most girls in their early twenties.

The following comments are meant to represent what I have *generally* found to be true, and as such, I am making no mention of occasional exceptions.

Young girls claim they can give great head, for example, but when it gets down to proving it, they often are clueless. Not enough experience.

Young stuff can’t go the distance–I like to hide the sausage for an hour or more, upon each entry–and nearly every young girl I’ve been with has trouble taking it for more than 15 minutes. They just cant stand up to really vigorous punishment.

They often require a lot of tutoring and ‘bringing along’ with regard to exploring their own bodies. There’s a lot they have never tried. They dont know the different types of orgasm they are capable of.

Theyre often slightly selfish in bed, self-centered. Older women, on the other hand, show a really gratifying enthusiasm and genuine appreciation for the opportunity to be with a guy they like, and to have that guy utterly satisfy them. Its not taken lightly and (speaking for myself) I’d rather perform for a receptive audience rather than to someone stuck-up and sulky.

Older women give better pillow-conversation after sex. They have great anecdotes and history, they’re direct, upfront and raunchy and you can have a lot of laughs with them.

Older women are far more stable and grounded than someone who is just entering their twenties. They know themselves really well, and they know their passions, and they know men. They have no hidden romantic or fiscal agendas, and are pretty happy with just a really good fuck.

Older women usually dont balk at a request for anal sex. No problem with it at all. They’re like “sure, luv it, bring it on!” Thats tough to beat.

I will agree that sometimes an older woman can own some signs of wear-and-tear (this is natural enough) but I have rarely seen them at a loss, sexually. (In fact, the best sex I ever had was with a 45 yr old).

Why should a few infirmities make a difference? So a few stretch marks have appeared. Big whoop. Thats just “added character” in my book. If you really, truly love women, it shouldnt be a big deal. I personally think women reach the peak of their beauty in their thirties. A good-looking woman in her thirties is basically a ripening of whatever potential she had when she was 19.

That girl she used to be is usually still there, somewhere within her; but with the passage of time she now has all sorts of wisdom and skill and compassion and humor that make her a helluva lot more fun to be with. In short: you should be able to love a woman at any age, in any circumstance.

I just gotta shake my head at guys who only date young bleach-blonde bimbos: they arent really seeing the whole picture of what women are about.

Give it a try.

I give head like a pornstar

Everyone I’ve ever given head to says its the best they’ve ever had. Well ladies this is why so try and make your man happy.

I LOVE to do it. It absolutely turns me on more than recieving it. I will even feel myselt start to drip.

I look up at him while I’m doing it so he knows I’m loving it. You give him the eyes or that “i fucking love this” face. Literally devour him. Act like you can’t get enough of his cock.

I spend a lot of time licking and sucking his balls while using my hands on him and looking him in the eye… Also–yes I’ll perform a “hummer” if you will

Of course I SWALLOW.. but I also allow him to pull back, jerk into my open waiting mouth and onto my tits.

I always give while on my knees.. He’s either standing up over me holding my hair or he might be sitting on the couch. Either way at some point I will take my breasts and wrap them around his shaft and fuck it while I suck his head. This way he also gets to watch your ass wiggling.

Yes, I have let him give me a pearl necklace. In that case I lick the cum off of my tits and I have him feed it to me off of his fingers.

I’ll talk dirty to him a little bit. Tell him I don’t want him to cum yet because I’m not ready, or that I love the way his hard cock feels in my mouth.. I take my time–he better be prepared to sit there for at least a half hour probably more.

I love to lick and tickle under his balls. THe “taint” if you will. Or I’ll use my thumb to apply light pressure in circular motions or going up and down. I’ll go lower and lower down to the ass if he lets me. If he’s enjoying it, yes I will rim, and yes I have fingered his ass.

When I’m getting really turned on, I’ll reach between my legs and play with myself in front of him. Then I’ll take my soaking wet fingers rub my juice on his head and then suck it off. I’ll also suck my fingers clean for him. If its someone I am dating or something then I’ve even gone so far as to climb onto him.. lower myself.. sit there for about 10 seconds then get back down on my knees and continue sucking.

I deep throat. There have been instances where I dont even realize he came because it’s so far down my throat. If he gags me I keep going.

And its just general technique. I have a very busy tongue and I get him into a great rhythm building him up and slowing down to help prolong and intensify his orgasm. I love to flick my tongue back and forth around his sensitive ridge and all underneath it.

I also SUCK his cock head firmly letting it pass in and out of my mouth, so my lips run over him while he fucks my wet mouth.

I’ll get him nice and wet and use my hand to stroke him in a counter-clockwise motion and then I suck on him going clockwise. The other hand goes to his nipples, balls etc.. but the combined sensations get him so hard.

When he’s ready to cum thats when speed and intensity HAVE TO INCREASE. I bob up and down on him faster and faster and I let him thrust his hips too so I take him even deeper.

After he cums I’ll continue to suck him slowing down intensity and speed, bringing him down from his orgasm until he stops me becuase he’s so sensitive.

And that is why I give head like a pornstar. No, I am not a slut and I do not have STD’s. I’m just a woman who likes to suck cock. Men–there are other women out there like me so don’t give up hope if you have never had great head.

The Ultimate Guide to Breakups

You can smell it coming. Your paramour has left an ominous message on your voicemail. S/he wants to talk. Perhaps you have been invited to meet him somewhere public. Maybe she’s cancelled a date, and is meeting you at your place instead. But you’re not an idiot and you can anticipate what’s next: your ass is about to get dumped. C’est la vie.

Here is your foolproof guide to navigating your breakup. Follow these simple directions and I can guarantee a minimum of stress and heartbreak. If you desire, this technique will ensure your probability of reconciliation is maximized. Want her back? Listen well:

On the day you get the news, listen very calmly. Say as little as possible. You will probably hear some BS like, “It’s not you – it’s me” or “I just need some space for a while” or “let’s still be friends”… blah blah blah. Do not argue. Accept everything s/he says. S/he may become emotional. Make no move to comfort him or her. When s/he has finished, do not linger. Say goodbye and leave. If you are in your own home, show him or her the door. A chaste hug is OK, but under NO circumstances should you offer or accept a goodbye kiss, a final quickie, or any of that shit. If you’re at a restaurant, do not hang around to split the tab: guys – pay the bill and leave. Ladies – just bail. There is no need to be sterile or brusque, by all means be courteous and kind. Understanding even. But wait until your (now) ex is out of earshot to cry like a bitch.

If you get the news over the phone (ouch), the same rules apply. Just hang up.

If you get a voice/email message, DO NOT respond. Chances are a relationship that ends electronically can’t be salvaged, but don’t make things worse by taking the bait.

The bad news is, this is the hard part. The good news is, this is the part of the Ultimate Guide to Breakups over which you have the most control. It is the centerpiece of the method, and your stamina during this phase will determine your success later on. Want the secret? Here is is:

DO NOTHING.

At first you will be sad. Possibly very sad. Get out of the house. Distract yourself. Hang out with your friends – preferably the ones your ex doesn’t know too well, because s/he will be checking up on you. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you contact your ex. For anything.

Chances are after a few days s/he will contact you, “just to see how you’re doing.” Do not respond. Let it go to voicemail. Don’t call back. Delete the email. It’s that simple. It’ll be hard, but hang in there. Don’t let your curiosity get the best of you. You are under no obligation to respond to someone who has kicked you to the curb.

Maybe you’ve been together for a while and s/he has left personal items in your home. This is the only circumstance under which it’s ok to respond. Wait at least 24 hours before you reply. Tell your ex that you will FedEx his/her stuff. Pay for the fastest method you can afford. If s/he insists upon picking it up, leave it someplace safe and make sure you’re NOT there when s/he arrives. Make your interaction courteous and brief. Get off the phone as quickly as possible.

If you do not receive a call within a month, you probably won’t get a call until s/he drunk dials you many years from now. Move on.

The sooner s/he calls you after dumping you, however, the better your chances are for reconciliation. Again, do not call back. Stay tough. You are now in control of the situation.

The sooner the first post-breakup call comes, the more calls/texts/emails you will likely receive. DO NOT RESPOND to any of them… yet. In these modern times you may also be privy to his/her evocative facebook updates, blog posts, reality TV show episodes, whathaveyou. Make no contact. If you absolutely must be in the same place at the same time, try to look fit and happy and surrounded yourself with people s/he doesn’t know.

Right around this time (unless you were dumped for someone else) your ex is beginning to experience the downside of singleness. S/he may be feeling lonely and horny, and start wondering if s/he made the right choice. That is exactly what you want. Let him/her fucking stew in it. Your patience will be rewarded.

By now, your ex is curious about you. Maybe s/he’s even been seeing some new people. But the fact that you have made a clean break with such poise will be a blow to the ego. Remember, the opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference. S/he will be thinking, “Was I really so easy to get over?” and “Gee – maybe it really WAS me.” If you’ve done this right, you will receive a call (or email) inviting you to “hang out.” Perhaps the tone will be casual, perhaps it will be desperate. Either way, congratulations for getting this far. The ball is now in your court.

Proceed carefully from here. Eagerness could lead to a booty call, but little more. Ask yourself: what do I want? If you want to resume a relationship, wait 48-72 hours before responding. Say you’re unavailable at the time your ex suggests, but recommend another meeting time at least a week in the future. You name the place. From here on out, everything is on your terms.

Let nature take its course. If your ex is ready to give it another shot, s/he will be dressed like it’s a first date. If the sexual tension is palpable, you may choose to knock boots and sort out the details in the sticky afterglow. If you can contain yourself, feign trepidation and ask him/her to meet you again – also in a place you select. Build anticipation. Make him/her work for it. If executed correctly, your ex will be so grateful to have you back s/he will be on his/her very best behavior, possibly for years to come.

Repeat as necessary.

I want a boyfriend

christ, i want a boyfriend. and when i say “christ”, i mean for fuck’s sake. this isn’t a letter to my god’s son, you know, the savior and all that, cause i’m sure he has better things to do than read a rant from a potty mouth like me. and when i say “for fuck’s sake”, i don’t mean just for fuck’s sake cause i’d like to do other things with my boyfriend: like laugh at tired, bloated pregnant women who aren’t offered a seat on the bus and argue over the fact that he asked me out to dinner but i was the one who paid (that cheap, but oh so adorable, bastard). we could walk around boston and bitch about how the dnc has screwed everything up, but then we’d make each other feel better by pointing out serious fashion faux pas such as flip flops, ugg boots in 85 degree weather, low-riders on women who should be wearing them higher and socks with sandals.

i want a boyfriend. i’d wax for him so he’d never have to complain about how licking me is like sweeping a barber’s shop floor with his tongue. we could get drunk and sing “the gambler” so loud that my neighbors come on here with the posting title “noisy neighbors: stop singing kenny rogers you stupid asshats”.

i want a boyfriend. i’d keep up with my gym habits so that i’d never turn into the dreaded seacow. but i’d bake him cookies and i’d eat a few myself so as to keep me soft in all the right places. i’d study the dictionary and memorize the correct spelling of every word so as not to upset his delicate constitution. i might even pick up a copy of “the elements of style” or at least read the online version.

if he got mad at me for being on the computer so much and said “go outside”, well at first i might think of the hypocrites that sometimes post that on cl…but then i would smile at him and say “wouldn’t you rather stay inside and get some head?”

i really want a boyfriend.

Sleeping with roommates

So, the first five rules of shared housing go:

1. Pay your goddamn bills.
2. Pull your weight, slacker.
3. Be polite to your roommates, assface.
4. Don’t be a “hole.” Don’t even move in if you aren’t going to be any more fun than an empty hole.
5. And don’t sleep with your roommates.

Your roommates might seem like legitimate prospects, but that is incorrect. They are taboo. Most people know this instinctively, as it’s not so long since we were all village-dwelling spear-shaking savages. But if the modern mind requires logical arguments, then, for example: if it goes bad, one of you is going to have to move. Duh. Relationship-development-wise, it means going from 0 to living together instantly. Not smart. And most likely you’re just doing it because it’s convenient, which indicates you have no life, no friends to fix you up, no social skills to meet someone in the real life you don’t have, you can’t even get a date online, and you are a pathetic loser.

Bearing all that in mind, I am here today to say that Sleeping With Your Roommate ROCKS!!!

It is oooohhhh sooooooo convenient. Oh my is it convenient. Your roommate/fuckbuddy comes home, wanders into your room like the average friendly roommate, and then you’re fucking! Then when you’re done, you’re already home! Rm/fby can go off to their own space, in their own home, and realign their coiff or whatever they need to do. Meanwhile you’re back in your own room peacefully enjoying the afterglow/getting back to your Web surfing/whatever.

The quality of the afterglow is superb. Your warm fuzzy is not messed up by having to pull your pants on and go out into the cold hard world, nor by having to cuddle with your partner when you’d rather contemplate alone, nor by feeling abandoned when your cuddle-partner gets up and leaves. They’re still right there in the house, so with only a very little mental discipline you can feel exactly as alone as you want.

Which illustrates the really key core excellence of Sleeping With Your Roommate: ambiguity. You can, to a remarkable extent, see exactly what you want in this inkblot. Roommate with benefits? Non-platonic friend? Fuckbuddy? Girlfriend/boyfriend? Live-in partner? It’s all there.

Even better, you don’t even have to be consistent. One day it can be throw-down porn-star sex (for you), next it can be “I think I want to have kids with this person” (in your mind). And you don’t have to specify, because you do the exact same thing either way.

Believe me, it’s fantastic.

The goldfish on my desk

I’ve got a goldfish which lives in a bowl on my desk. It sits about two feet away from me. I feed it flakes everyday.

Just now, the damned thing took a shit, turned around, and ate it. I know I read somewhere that goldfish have a memory span of 3 seconds, but for real, you can’t remember taking a crap a millesecond before turning around and registering it as food?

Oh, god. He just did it again. He belongs in a toilet.