People on the Subway

Okay, Here is a list of the people whom I would love to douse with a gallon of my asparagus scented urine:

1. Little old asian ladies who run onto the train before letting other passengers get off and push through everyone in the hopes of getting a precious seat. And when they don’t get one, they pull the “I’m old and fragile” face to try to guilt you into giving up yours. Fuck you lady…I saw you hurdle over the other passengers with the agility of Angelo Taylor. That old, decrepit song and dance isn’t going to work on me.
2. Overweight people that think they can squeeze their fat ass into a seat on a train that wouldn’t fit an anorexic supermodel. Look, I’m a guy, and I’m not one of those assholes that has to aircondition his nutsack by spreading his legs out across three seats, so there is no need for you to huff and puff that you can’t get your fat ass onto the seat next to me. Stop eating so many burgers.
3. People who can’t seem to grasp the technology of the Metro Card vending machines. You don’t need to have a college degree to figure out how to get a card out of these intricate pieces of modern technology. C’mon people…I’m sure you can press a button that will get it to speak in your language if you don’t quite comprehend english, so you have no excuse!!!!
4. Those assholes that position themselves at the doors of the train so they can be the first person off. That’s fine and dandy with me, but, hows about standing aside to let some of us on the train to begin with? You obsessive compulsive fucks…the world isn’t going to come to an end if you aren’t the first one off the fucking train!!!!
5. People who just have to read their newspaper in the morning on a crowded train. I dealt with one of you…I was sick of that paper scraping across my neck every time you turned a page…what did I do? I grabbed the fucking thing and balled it up. You know who you are.
6. People that have to preach the word of god on the train in the morning. C’mon people. First of all…religion belongs in a church or synagogue (or whatever religious establishment you belong to). Don’t subject the rest of us to your beliefs, and stop tying everything in to terrorism and 9/11. Why does religious bullshit have to coincide with 9/11? I just don’t get it. And is it a coincidence that all of these subway preachers are christian?
7. It’s been mentioned before, but people that bring their stinky food on the train. Usually this occurs in the morning. Listen asshole…it’s disgusting. I view eating food on the train as being in the same ballpark as eating food in a public restroom. How is this for a solution? Wake your lazy ass up one half hour earlier and eat your nasty food in the privacy of your home.
8. While we are on this kick…women who do their makeup on the train. Unless you are homeless, or are a ho freshening up from a long nights work…there is no excuse for you to make the packed subway train your little vanity room. Every time a woman does that, I pray that the train will stop short, forcing them to jab their liner pencils into their eye.

A Slut’s Perspective

I’m speaking as a slut. So before someone goes, “Hey, you’re a slut!” Um, yeah, I know. Get over it. Anyway, I’d like to put an end to some incorrect rumors.

Myth: Sluts have no respect for themselves.
Fact: I have plenty of respect for myself. I have sex with multiple partners because I enjoy sex, and I don’t like being tied down to one guy for too long. I enjoy my freedom. I’m sure this will change at some point. My biological clock will start ticking, and I’ll start thinking more about the future. At some point, I will start thinking more seriously about wanting to spend my life with someone. But for now, I’m young and enjoying myself. And I’d have to say that I have a lot more respect for myself than the girls who stay chaste simply because they’re afraid of being labeled by men. I have enough respect for myself to accept and embrace my needs.

Myth: All sluts are crawling with disease.
Fact: While many sluts probably are crawling with disease, those of us with any intelligence whatsoever are really careful. I have NO STDs. I always use a condom for sex and blow jobs, and I always use a dental dam when a guy’s going down on me. I’m also on the pill. I get tested often, and I can safely say that I have never contracted an STD.

Myth: A slut will fuck anyone. Especially you.
Fact: I can get just about any guy I want. That means that I can and do have high standards. If I fucked every guy who wanted me, I’d have no time for work, school, eating, or sleep. Even if I had sex 24 hours a day, seven days a week, I still wouldn’t be able to fulfill all the guys who want me. So, as you can see, I won’t fuck you just because you have a penis. My standards are too high for that.

Myth: Anyone who doesn’t want to be a woman from the 50′s who gets off doing laundry and making dinner and being a slave for her big strong husband hates men and is a lesbian.
Fact: Obviously I don’t hate men. If I hated men, I wouldn’t fuck them. The last time I checked, slavery was abolished in 1865 with the 13th Amendment. While many women are content to spend their lives cooking and cleaning, I’m not. That doesn’t mean that I don’t respect these women for being able to live in their lifestyle, and I certainly don’t think less of them for it, it’s not the lifestyle I would choose for myself, or one I could tolerate. And I will NEVER get myself into a relationship where the man is in charge and I’m just along for the ride. Nor will I get myself into a relationship where my man has no balls and smiles meekly at everything I say. When I find the man who I can settle down with, we will have an equal relationship. I don’t want a tyrant or a push-over. I want a man.

Myth: Any woman who wants a man to treat her like a woman instead of like shit is a needy bitch who is just after the man’s money.
Fact: How would you feel if your date showed up with dirty, baggy clothes on, smelled from not having showered for too long, ate with her hands, and talked about herself the entire night? You probably wouldn’t want to go on a second date. We put in effort to look our best on dates. We put in effort to make the guy feel special. In return, we expect to be treated decently. Trust me, if you act like a gentleman, your chance of getting that second date increases exponentially. It’s not that we’re needy, it’s just that we like to feel appreciated, just like everyone else.

Myth: Sluts are just trying to steal my man.
Fact: I am not a homewrecker. I think it’s horrible when girls go out of their way to get a guy just because he’s married. I mentioned earlier that I could get just about any guy I wanted. I don’t want any man who has a significant other. I’m just not interested.

Myth: Women are all whores, men are all bastards.
Fact: There are plenty of non-whores out there for you non-bastards.

Myth: No man will ever want a serious relationship with me or any other slut.
Fact: I have been in serious relationships before. What I realized was that I wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment. There are men now who want a relationship with me, but I’m honest with them and tell them that a serious commitment is not what I want at this time in my life.

Myth: Deep down, every lesbian wants dick.
Fact: Deep down, every lesbian wants pussy. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be lesbian. That’s sort of the definition of a lesbian; wanting to fuck women instead of guys. If she wants dick, then she’s bi; not lesbian.

Myth: ALL women want to see naked women.
Fact: Maybe in your fantasies, all women love hanging out naked, but in reality, I’d rather not. No offense to other women. I’m sure you have great bodies, but I’m just not really interested. Thanks all the same.

Male & Female Language (translations)

Women to Man translation:

• Yes = No
• No = Yes
• Maybe = No
• We need = I want
• I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
• We need to talk = I need to complain
• Sure…go ahead = I don’t want you to
• Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
• Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
• I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
• Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you’re dead
• You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
• Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
• You’re so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
• Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
• It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
• You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??
• I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
• How much do you love me? = I did something today that you’re really not going to like

Man to Woman transaltion:

• I’m hungry = I’m hungry
• I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
• I’m tired = I’m tired
• Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
• I love you = Let’s have sex now
• I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
• What’s wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
• I love you, too = Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!
• May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
• Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
• Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
• Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
• Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
• You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes
• Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
• I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay

Men are happier than Women

1. We keep our last name.
2. The garage is all ours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. We can be president.
6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
8. The world is our urinal.
9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too icky.
10. Same work, more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. Wedding dress – $5000; tux rental – $100.
13. People never stare at our chest when we’re talking to them.
14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
15. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
16. One mood, ALL the time.
17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
18. We know stuff about tanks.
19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
20. We can open all our own jars.
21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
24. Everything on our face stays its original color.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. We don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
27. We almost never have strap problems in public.
28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
30. We don’t have to shave below our neck.
31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
33. We can “do” our nails with a pocket-knife.
34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

Is my dog gay?

I really like to have my ass licked, but my girlfriend refuses to do it. So, when I am alone with my dog, I smear peanut butter all over my ass and let my dog lick away. He really seems to enjoy it. A little too much. I am worried about him. I think he might be gay.

Selling Furniture Online (Tips)

1. You had it made custom? Fantastic. But remember it was custom made for your dreams, not mine.
2. You paid $10,000 for your sofa? If I was even considering a $5000 “half off” used designer sofa, would I be online looking for it? No. If I was going to drop $5K on a sofa, I’d want a fresh one.
3. You are not doing me a favor by selling me anything. I am doing you a favor by purchasing your used goods. If I get a good deal and I actually like it, we’re doing one another a favor.
4. I don’t care how much you capitalize TRUST ME I KNOW – I do not belive you “know quality furniture and this is a great piece.” I don’t care. I’m online because I want a cheap couch that doesn’t smell and won’t embarass me.
5. You want me to come over pay you, then wait till your move out date to pick up the furniture? F- You. Someone actually wouldn’t take their asking price because I wanted to come get the furniture the day I saw it online. Don’t post until you’re ready to part with it.
6. Photos, people. Even if you don’t have a digital camera, you live in the Bay Area and I guarantee you know someone who does. Borrow it. Furniture with photos sells so much faster.
7. That “beautiful solid oak dining suite?” with the white and oak chairs and “hand lathed legs” Yeah, that’s from Ikea and it’s 149 for the set there, not 500 OBO.
8. How nice something is “like Pottery Barn”. Just because Busvans is closed doesn’t mean we don’t remember their stuff looked the same and cost half. Don’t make a profit on a 3 year old sofa. That makes you a creep. And you’ll be the one complaining becuase someone didn’t show up to look at your no photo poorly descibed overpriced sofa.
9. Again I repeat – people who are looking for swanky stuff that’s NOT actual Eames (not eames like or eames era) or other concrete collectible furniture are NOT shopping online. Sell me a couch for 400 or less, chairs are 250 or less, if you’re willing to deliver, I can see paying a touch extra.
10. Futons really need to be out of furniture and in their own separate category. Futons do nothing but muck up these listings.

TOP TEN REASONS YOU CAN’T GET LAID

TOP TEN REASONS WHY YOU CAN’T GET LAID

10. YOU’RE LAZY. You’d rather sit on your ass in front of the computer or television than actually go out and try to meet someone. You expect women to magically appear at your door the moment you get a hard-on. You want sex, but you don’t want to work for it. You don’t even want to have to change clothes after you fuck. Get off your ass if you want things to change or shut the hell up.

9. YOUR STANDARDS AND EXPECTATIONS ARE RIDICULOUS. You want to fuck a porn starlet or sex goddess, not a real woman. You expect us to have a perfect body and always be ready to fuck. Your ideal woman is some ridiculous image that the media and porn industry has brainwashed you to believe is desirable. You think of women in terms of parts, not the whole. You forget that there’s a human being there. How can we possibly want to make love to you when you don’t even think of us as person? The sad truth is, you’re so horny you’d probably fuck anything in a skirt. But because you don’t have the brainpower to think for yourself, you don’t recognize a real woman when she’s RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. Helloooooooooo? Anybody in there?

8. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE GRACEFULLY. We expect you to make the first move: to ask us out, to kiss us, to make a pass, and to initiate sex. Right or wrong, you’ve got to deal with it. If you’re not getting any, you haven’t finessed the art of the gentle come-on. We can’t read your minds so don’t expect us to appear at your door ready for sex. And lose those lame come-on lines. They never work. Do you really think that any self-respecting woman reading an ad that basically says, “Let me fuck you and toss you aside” would pick you? Get real.

7. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO PACKAGE YOURSELF. Face it, first impressions are made within the first 30 second of visual contact. If you don’t make yourself appealing to the opposite sex, why the hell should we fuck you? You don’t dress well and your hygiene leaves much to be desired. We spend HOURS making ourselves look beautiful. You show up for a date sweaty from basketball practice, unshaven, wearing a wrinkled T-shirt, torn jeans, and want to jump right into the sack. I don’t think so, stud. When’s the last time you took a BATH, beefcakes?

6. YOU ARE BORING, BORING, BORING! You have nothing interesting to say besides “Let’s fuck.” You forget that the sexiest organ in the whole human body is the brain. You talk about yourself and don’t ask anything about us. Do you think we really want to hear how good your golf game is? Honey, we’re just being polite while we mentally think “Next!” Broaden your horizons, babe. The sexiest men I have ever known stimulated my mind as well as my body. Read something besides Sports Illustrated, for Chrissakes.

5. YOU HAVE NO PATIENCE. You expect a woman to leap into the sack with you immediately, on the first date. You are a child of the internet age, expect instant gratification, and have the attention span of a millisecond. You do not understand that planning, perseverance and persistence are what lead to success. It takes time to build up passion, and you have no patience. Good things come to those who wait. If you want instant gratification, call a hooker or pop a porn video in the VCR and make friends with your right hand. But don’t blame us if you can only come and go in less than a minute.

4. YOU’RE NOT NICE. You don’t treat women with respect. You’re a closet misogynist or psychopath bent on hurting us. You expect every woman to spread her legs wide open for you. You don’t want to know us, not really. You just want to fuck us and discard us. You won’t call us afterwards, even though you say you will. You forget we have feelings. You’re mean, selfish, crazy, vain, or just fucking NUTS. Get lost, loser.

3. YOU DON’T LISTEN TO US AT ALL. You are psychologically incapable of understanding the word “No”. You don’t hear us when we tell you our hopes and dreams. You stare at our cleavage when we tell you about our lives. You don’t pay attention to us when we are trying to tell you something important, something that might actually get you extra points in the relationship game. You don’t listen when we say we love you and need you. And you wonder why we ignore you when you try to hit on us? Get a clue.

2. YOU HAVE NO CLUE HOW TO PLEASE A WOMAN IN BED. You SAY you love to give oral sex, and that a woman’s pleasure matters most to you, but your actions show you only want to “stick and move.” Ladies, how many times have you heard men say that they love oral sex only to have a guy make a drive by lick before he penetrates? Guys, we know the truth about you. We tell our girlfriends everything. Word about you is already on the street and spreading fast. Feel paranoid? You should. Our network is bigger than the internet.

And the number one reason why you can’t get laid:

1. YOU JUST DON’T GET IT. You haven’t a clue. You don’t understand women and don’t even want to try. You’d rather be bitter, misogynistic, lazy, sloppy, smelly, frustrated, selfish, mean, vain, crazy or just plain stupid than make an honest-to-God, real-live attempt to connect with the opposite sex. Enjoy your porn movies because that’s the only naked woman you are ever going to see.

My erection

What happened, buddy? You’ve never let me down before. It’s not like I’m old enough for erectile dysfunction. I don’t think that’s the problem. I’m only 30, for chrissakes! So why, oh where, did you go?

Just last night, you skipped out of the bedroom, leaving me lying there feeling ridiculous and superfluous. Why, oh where, have you gone to?

You came back this very morn, unafraid of the consequences that your return might bring. There was nothing I could do for you then, it was too little, too late. (No, that’s not what I mean). Why, or when, did you sneak back in?

Last weekend, you hurried through the job, and rushed out the door. How was I to account for your behavior then? What am I supposed to say or do to make up for your irresponsible behavior? Why, oh where, is it you run to?

Please come back for real this time — you know where to find me.

Pooping @ Work (a survival guide)

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
Definition: Seldom-used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Communicating with girls explained

Whichever method of communication a guy uses most should tell you everything you need to know.

if you call her at work, you’re dating.
if you IM her at work, you want to be dating
if you call her cell phone, she’s dating other guys.
if you call her home number, she wants you to come over.
if you send a fax, she’s your boss.
if you send her an email, you want something long term.
if you send her a friendster email, you’re just testing the waters.

and if you communicate with her at all using any of the above methods, you want to sleep with her.