3 of men’s desires

1. A jet pack. Any man born in the 20th century knows that jet packs were to be the preferred form of transportation as the year 2000 approached. They were promised to us by TV, radio and comic books. But the millennium has come and gone and alas we have no jet pack to shuttle us back and forth to our laser gun shooting galleries and autonomous robot boxing matches. If technology can store 5,000 songs in a machine the size of a pack of cigarettes why can’t it propel me through the air at 120 mph?
2. A 1970s undercover cop persona. Every man wishes he had a John Shaft afro or styled perfectly hair helmet al’a David Soul and a cool leather car coat. We all wish that we could jump through the second-story window of a warehouse with guns blazing just as the building explodes and is engulfed in flame. Every man would love like to drive to the other side of town, slide across the hood of our 1976, black Ford Torino and shake down a junkie pimp named “Snookie” for information.
3. A monkey. Not necessarily a pet or helper monkey, just a monkey (perhaps with a jet pack of his own). I don’t know why, we all just want one.

Psychotic Girlfriend Breakup Service

Do you have a psychotic girlfriend with whom you need to break up? Afraid to take that first difficult step? Concerned that she might freak out, break valuable objects, steal your cat, or kick your dog? Dreading that pre-wailing drama ridden pause following those five terrible words, “I want to break up.” Well, have no fear friends because I have a service for you.

For $50 and a 6-pack of beer, I will break up with your psychotic girlfriend for you. That’s right. For a limited time, this break up service is offered at the low, low introductory price of $50 and a 6-pack of beer. No contracts, no commitments, no hassles.

Choose from the following list of Excuses, Conciliatory Offers or Wounding Proclamations, and Parting Lines.

• Excuses (includes old standards and blunt assertions)
  • It’s not you; it’s me.
  • I’m just not ready for a commitment right now.
  • You are psychotic and driving me insane.
  • Since being with you, I’ve discovered that I’m really straight.

• Conciliatory Offers or Wounding Proclamations
  • You are the only woman I ever really loved.
  • I never really loved you.
  • You are the best lover I ever had. You gave me orgasmic pleasure beyond anything I have ever known.
  • You are the worst lover I ever had. I faked it every time.

• Parting Lines
  • I’d like to stay friends.
  • I want you to keep our collection of trucker hats.
  • Don’t call me; I’ll call you.
  • I’m having my name legally changed and moving to a foreign country. Don’t follow me.

Or create your own break up speech for a more personal touch. Tell her how much you want to break up with her in your own words.

Take advantage of our 2-for-1 Tuesday and Buy-10-Get-1-Free offers.

Break up with that not-so-special someone today!

Psychotic Girlfriend Break Up Service, Inc. is not responsible for and not limited to the following actions taken by stated psychotic girlfriend: setting fire to personal possessions (including but not limited to trucker hats), destruction of anything signed by Melissa Etheridge, The Indigo Girls, Melissa Ferrick, etc., theft of items jointly purchased at Ikea, Crate & Barrel, and/or Pottery Barn. Personal break up speeches may be no more than three minutes in length. A pack of cigarettes surcharge will be added to final fee.

Please, just hold me…

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.” I said, “WHAT?!” So she says the words that I and every other husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I’m not in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I’m thinking, “What was her first clue?” I finally realized nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

The next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three. She then tells me she needs matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say, “OK.”

And then we go to the Jewelry department, where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you – she was so excited! She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn’t even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her it was OK.

She was sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, “I’m ready to go, let’s go to the cash register.” I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No, honey. I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.”

You should have seen her face – it went completely blank. Then I said, “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.” Just when she had a look like she was going to kill me, I added, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man.”

How to Piss Off Your Neighbors

It seems no matter where you move, there is at least one neighbor that can’t stay out of your business. They constantly complain, and do everything in their power to make your life a little tougher. Time for you to return the favor. When it comes to pissing off your neighbors, there a few things you can do that can really cause the most annoyance with the least amount of effort. Follow along and pick and choose your favorites.

Get things done around the house

One of the easier ways to piss the neighbors off is by simply doing chores outside your house. If the lawn needs mowing, take the initiative to start it real early in the morning.
Wait until the nosey neighbors are peacefully sleeping, and remember to go over the spots closest to their house. It allows you to wake them up without really giving them anything to complain about. You have to get your work done, it’s just too bad it’s not a good time for them.

Time to get extra friendly

So how does being nice piss them off you ask? Allow me to explain. Flirting with your neighbors is a great way to start a fight, and get them extremely irate. Just take the time each day to act flirty and friendly with on member of the family. The parents only, for those that need to be told. By doing this little covert move, you can get them pissed at you, and start fights between them. It becomes a double whammy.

When nature calls.

Man’s best friend can become a huge ally in your attack on your neighbors. Use your canine to cause as much trouble as possible. Take him walking on their lawn when they aren’t there to stop you. Make sure to let old scrappy finish his business in the walking path if possible, leading to the best possible scenario. If you have a neighbor scraping his foot as he walks up to your door to complain, you found a golden spot, keep it up.

Summer is here, possibilities grow

When summer arrives, there are multiple opportunities that open up. One such choice that can really piss those people off is.. Covert missions to destroy their lawn. Start with the classic destruction of their hose. Go ahead and poke holes throughout the hose, making sure that a simple rag won’t cover it and allow them to get by. Destroy a few hoses and see how quickly they start to crumble. The next steps might get you in trouble, so work at your own risk. If they have in-ground sprinklers, take the initiative to super glue those bad boys down. It normally takes people a while to even notice their sprinkler heads are stuck, and can in the mean time leave their lawn dead or dieing.

So what is left to do? All out war..

Time to do all the childish things left in your arsenal. Get out there and be creative. Lube up their door handles. Ice down their driveway in the winter time. Wake up early and sabotage their cars with bananas in the exhaust. Check your cars engine early in the morning, by just revving and revving and revving. Spread out these attacks over time, so that you can keep it fresh. Some things get old, or can be adapted to easily. Keep them on their toes, and watch them crumble.

Words of Warning

If you don’t want cops coming over your house, cover your tracks or make sure your neighbors are the revenge type over the cop calling type. A challenge is always fun, and you now have more up your sleeve than the average Joe. Keep the destruction and damages down to a minimum and keep yourself in the clear

Penis Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

• I perform physical labor.
• I work at great depths.
• I am always using my head first.
• I do not get regular days off, weekends off, or public holidays.
• I work in a damp & acidic environment.
• I don’t get paid overtime or shift penalties.
• I work in a dark workplace with poor ventilation.
• I work in high temperatures.
• My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Response from Human Resources

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

• You do not work 8 hours straight.
• You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
• You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
• You do not stay in your assigned position and often visit other areas.
• You take a lot of unscheduled breaks.
• You do not take initiative. You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
• You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
• You don’t always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits.
• You don’t like working double shifts.
• You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed your work.
• And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!

My Diary

HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behaviour; I don’t know why he didn’t say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today my favorite sports team lost. At least I got laid.

Gym Jerks

The unsolicited advice-givers. If anyone cared about how you lost that weight or developed those guns, they’d ask. No one wants you to spot them, no one wants you to tell them about what you read in Meathead & Fitness magazine or what your chiropractor told you about the “right” way to do anything. You’re almost as bad as the people who have no idea what they’re doing.

People who have no idea what they’re doing. Of course you’re wearing jeans and using a curl bar to bench press, you have no idea what you’re doing. Do you fit into this group? If you frequently need to consult the little pictures taped to the machines to figure out how to use a particular piece of equipment, you do. If you’ve ever used a machine backwards without realizing it until someone told you, maybe you should consider a personal trainer. In either case, go away and don’t come back until you know what you’re doing.

Personal trainers. Personal trainers suck for these reasons 1) they’re dumb as stones and feel that because they’re “working” with their “client” they have a right to butt in on everyone else’s workout; 2) a lot of them are there for the ego massage of ordering someone else to do physical labor; and 3) many of them are only working as trainers to hit on attractive and fairly easy women. Those of you with trainers – seriously – have you ever considered the fact that you’re paying someone who’s just as out-of-shape/soft-as-you to get you in shape? How have you not noticed that you’re not one pound lighter or one bit more muscular than when you started with your “trainer” six years ago? The rest of us have, and we laugh at you behind your back.

Anyone who wears spandex as an outer garment. Spandex looks terrible on most people. And, the few on whom it is actually flattering are aware of it and get too much satisfaction out of distracting everyone around them. But, mostly, spandex is just plain wrong on 99% of the gym population. Seriously, I never saw my grandmother in anything tighter or more revealing than a ankle length dress. What makes you think I want to see your doughy, wrinkly ass wiggling it’s way around the gym on display to revile all?

People with an undeserved overly inflated opinion of themselves. Just because you managed to bang out a set of bench press at a whopping 95 pounds or successfully completed a spinning class doesn’t give you the right to strut around like you own the place. You also fall into this category if you somehow managed to craft an awesome upper body but have a giant, flabby ass. No one envies you – we all know that sweat shirt around your waist means.

People who carry around way too much crap. You know the type – they drag their entire gym bag with them from station to station, taking up valuable gym real estate and tripping people in the process. Hey guy, do you really need two weight belts and six towels to make it through your workout? Hey older lady – that purse on your arm makes you look ridiculous. A sub-category of these people is the set that can’t workout with less than 84 oz of liquid, whether that be all together in a giant water bottle (who are you kidding?) or four different cups and bottles spread all over the bench I’d like to use.

People in the gym reading anything. It’s a gym people, not a library. First of all, if you can actually focus on the words on a page, you’re clearly not working out hard enough. Second, I don’t feel like waiting for you to finish the op-ed page before I can use the treadmill.

People who can only use the specific piece of cardio equipment you are already on, despite the fact that there are 20 identical, unoccupied machines right next to you. Do you think you lose more calories on your “favorite” versa climber? News flash – you don’t.

The stinkers. What’s the deal with not showering and/or wearing the same grimy t-shirt from the first Lollapalooza tour every damn day? Did you mistakenly buy “odorant” at the drug store?

Anyone who uses those freakin’ physio balls. I don’t know why people think that incorporating a large childrens’ toy into their workout somehow improves it, but these things have got to go. What makes you think that doing sit-ups or push ups on a wiggley surface will improve your fitness level? You guys must have really loved the crane kick scene from Karate Kid. Sorry to burst your bubble, but superior balance is not fitness.

People who don’t belong in a gym in the first place. A sign that you fall into this category is that you had trouble climbing up or down the stairs to get into the gym. Another such sign is that you are still in diapers.

Blowjob Tips

1. Go deep and hold your breath.
2. Make it wet.
3. Use your hands also.
4. Don’t use your hands.
5. Go slow.
6. Go fast.
7. Change up speed.
8. Make eye contact.
9. Hold his balls.
10. Be gentle with the grandchildren (see #9).
11. Enjoy it.
12. Always let him come in your mouth.
13. Bargain for a nice dinner out first. Then you will really be excited to do it.
14. Always swallow.
15. Never have him come in a glass and then you drink it.
16. Invite a girlfriend or two to assist you.
17. Get between his legs to do it; rarely do it from the side.
18. Don’t talk on the phone at the same time.
19. Do it while he is on the phone with his boss.
20. Do it during dinner. You can eat later.
21. Wake him up with it.
22. Help him get to sleep with it.
23. Thank him for letting you do it.

Booty Call Rules

• No sleeping over; unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
• No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.
• No calls before 9 PM. We don’t have shit to talk about.
• Nothing we do should resemble “lovemaking”. Only mind-blowing sex is allowed.
• No emotional discussions. For example, “Where are we heading with this?” or “Do you love me?”. The answer is no, so don’t ask.
• No plans should be made in advance. That is why you are called the “back-up”.
• All gifts accepted; money is always good.
• No baby talk; however, dirty talk is encouraged.
• No asking for comparisons with former lovers. It’s really none of your damn business.
• No calling each other “friends with privileges” or “friends with benefits”. We are not friends. We have sex.
• Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK–don’t be offended.
• Take your stuff or it will be thrown out. No leaving clothing or ANYTHING else. I don’t want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.
• No falling asleep right after sex. It’s over, so get your ass up and go home.
• Don’t be offended if I don’t ask if you enjoyed it. I don’t care.
• You cannot borrow my car for any reason. The only thing you can borrow is between my legs. Nothing else.
• If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: “My roommate’s girlfriend/boyfriend.”
• Doggie style is preferred due to limited eye contact. I don’t want to look at you, just fuck you.
• We hook up absolutely whenever the mood strikes ME. Don’t keep calling.

Oral Fixation