You can’t make this up

A friend of ours works as a receptionist at an elderly community. She often sends me updates about the different questions and requests she receives from the residents. Some of the stuff is unbelievable, but at least it’s justified by considering how old some of the people are.

So the other day she forwards me an email she received from, not one of the residents, but from one of her colleagues. It was from the manager of IT for the facility. I swear to you this was not doctored or changed in any way. You can’t make this shit up.

Please take a moment to go threw your email (inbox,folders,junk mail) especially those ones with attachments and delete all that is old or you know longer need. Then empty your trash bin. Also go threw your personal contacts and delete any that you no longer in contact with. We are running out of room and this needs to be done ASAP.

What do you say to that?

Sometimes I Google Penis

What? Like you don’t?

Why haven’t we had sex yet?

(me) honestly, why havent we had sex yet?
(her) say something romantic and you might get your wish
(me) romantic?
(her) woo me
(me) do I look like Hallmark Greetings to you?
(her) you’re losing points
(me) oh hell give me time to think of something
(her) Jeopardy Music
(me) ready?
(her) ready as ever
(me) it’s a bit sappy, are you sure about this?
(her) I hope it’s a love poem
(me) here goes
(me) Thrusting deep I pump your butt
(me) Pumping faster I pump your butt
(her) enough of that
(me) Your butt was meant for pumping
(her) oh god
(me) Pumping your butt full of cum
(her) eww
(me) Pump Pump Pump Cum Cum Cum
(her) I’m putting you on ignore if you don’t stop
(me) The End
(her) That wasn’t very romantic
(me) I get am A for effort though, right?
(her) why are all guys such assholes
(me) isn’t that what women like?
(her) sad but true

Let’s try this again.

(me) seriously, why haven’t we had sex yet?
(her) uhhh, why so serious? lol
(me) I think we should go out some time, seriously though
(her) awwwww
(me) is that awww how nice, or awww too bad?
(me) hey you still there?
(me) yoohoo!
(me) are you still around?
(me) I’ll be afk for a bit, gonna get some food,
(me) I just got back from mcdonalds, I saw the light on at your house.. since its almost on the way. If you’re still up let me know
(me) hey I’m going to bed soon, I’m still availible to chat if you’re online
(me) well.. goodnight. I’m gonna hit the bathroom first, let me know if you got my messages
(me) well heck, I guess you’ll get these tomorrow. See you at work
(me) I couldn’t sleep, you around?
(me) I guess I’m gonna go watch some tv and try to get tired again
(me) well, I’m tired, did you get any of these?
(me) well, see you later, gonna sleep
(me) okay, goodnight
(me) hey I missed you at work today, I hope you arent sick
(me) That’s wierd, I just got an error message that my txt didnt go through, let me know if you see this
(me) huh, I called work but they wouldnt give me your phone number so I could see what the problem is with your machine, I bet I could fix it for you. if you can see this call me and I’ll help you fix the problem.
(me) well hell, this isn’t cool… are you seeing any of these? why does it keep saying message rejected?

A new text message

Oh great, I got a new text message. I wonder who it’s from. Could be anyone, I’m pretty well liked.
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.
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Oh man it’s from Verizon. I’m such a loser.

:(

Message from Venus

Venus here! Earth is such a casual planet. What did you say your average surface temperature was? LOL

Absurd Brb Messages

• brb, pyramid scam
• brb, boat to catch
• brb, airplane
• brb, church
• brb, mouthwash
• brb, bath tub
• brb, Amber Alert
• brb, press conference
• brb, scuba diving
• brb, hooker
• brb, future
• brb, jail
• brb, cancer screening
• brb, caretaking
• brb, super adventure club
• brb, purple drank
• brb, buttsecks
• brb, gender testing

Blacklisted Cards

Blacklisted Cards just opened their virtual internet doors to the public. They sell very simple looking cards with very funny, most times sarcastic, sayings. Here are a few examples. The owner is a close friend of ours, so check them out.

Things that make guys instantly lose interest in girls

Speaking on behalf of guys I just want to say we’re not perfect, nor do we demand perfection in our partners…eh fuck it. Yeah I’m pretty much perfect and here’s a list of things that make a guy instantly lose interest in you girls.

• Gapped teeth or otherwise look like a horse kicked your face in.
• Excessive swearing like a sailor is a turnoff.
• Girls that think they need to have a “slutty phase” in college. Taking 7 sweaty college dicks at once is not being adventurous, it’s being a whore.
• Artsy girls who take it too far to make sure you know that they are in to art.
• Heavy drinking or excessive drug use. I can like a girl who will have some fun, but if she’s drinking it like water, I know it won’t end up being a good relationship.
• Clingy; seriously, we don’t need to be together EVERY WAKING MINUTE or talk on the phone every couple of hours.
• Smokers; their house stinks of stale tobacco, their car stinks of stale tobacco, and they stink of stale tobacco.
• Fat; curvy is fine, but you’re not curvy you’re FAT.
• Stupid; looks fade, but stupid is forever.
• Facial Hair; if you have it, don’t shave it, wax that shit. There’s no room for girls with stubble.
• Drama queens; not everything is about YOU and chances are, nobody else cares about what you have to say.
• A significant need for validation and/or complements; seriously if you’re not confident enough in yourself, nothing I can say will fill that gaping void.
• Girls who can’t initiate or keep a decent conversation going; I’m not here to be your fucking entertainment 24/7, a bit of give and take thank you on this.
• Massively oversized clits. Just no.
• Girls who criticize me for wearing sunglasses indoors or when it is dark. I LOOK MOTHERFUCKING PIMP!!! So I can, so I can.

Pickup lines that work III

Continued from: Pickup lines that work II

• What’s the difference between a knife and a Ferrari? I don’t have Ferrari in my pocket. Get in the van.
• I’m like a Rubik’s Cube; the longer you play with me, the harder I get.
• It’s $20 for oral and $50 to fuck you in the ass, right?
• I don’t know if you’ll remember me, I was the guy lurking in the bushes watching you undress.
• If I ask you to have sex with me, will your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
• You might know me from tv; I’m pretty famous right now. (oh cool! what show?) To catch a predator.
• You know how I know we’ll be having sex later tonight? I’m bigger than you.
• I did a dump just before that was so big I was afraid it wouldn’t flush, I had to hold down the button for ages before it got sucked down, the toilet sounded like it was choking. My asshole still feels ragged from it and tingles a little.
• Hi can I buy you a drink? [Yeah, like that would ever work.]
• I lost my dog. Will you help me look for him? I think he ran into this cheap motel.
• Are you a single mom? (No) Do you wanna be?
• Does this drink taste like Rohypnol to you?
• I heard you like consensual sex in the missionary position?
• I’m an atheist. Care to be penetrated by my ironclad logic in your plot holes?

Good ideas that turned out bad II

Continued from: Good ideas that turned out bad

• Microwaving gummy bears. Felt too lazy to clean off the burnt-on melty crap, so I threw the plate away.
• Rice and ketchup sandwich with melted cheese.
• trying to smoke banana peels (bananadine)
• I was thirsty after brushing my teeth, so I grabbed some oj. Baaaad idea. Also, grapes after brushing teeth is just as bad.
• I like oatmeal. I like coffee. I figured, save time, make oatmeal with coffee instead of water. Um yeah. Never doing that again.
• No milk left. Mom had some diet shit in the fridge called “almond milk”. I figured it was safe. False. Not milk. Not even close.
• Walking the train tracks. More specifically, following the train tracks to the bridge where homeless people resided. A gang of hobos mugged me for my cigarettes and then proceeded to fight each other for said cigarettes. It was an interesting endeavor.
• Every time I pick my nose because it always bleeds, but I just can’t stop.
• Asking this girl Caitlyn out in 8th grade. She was hated by guys, she was a teacher’s pet, and she made perfect grades. Only thing is she was fat. I dunno what I was thinking. She would also call at least 10 times in 1 hour just to ask what I was doing.
• Bacon=win. Blizzards=win. Bacon blizzard=disgusting.
• ‘I can pull out! It will be fine’
• Coffee Popsicles. Shit was disgusting.
• Fucking my boss. [Note: Not at FunnyAssBlog; unfortunately.]
• My third time drinking; 6 shots of mixed drinks right after the other(my buddy raided his parents booze cabinet) and then 2 shots I don’t remember. I weighed 120lbs. And then weed. I ended up trying to convince my parents I had walked home despite the fact they drove me home.
• I like rum. I like ice cream. So I thought I could make a nice dessert cocktail by mixing them together, like a rum and ice cream float. Wrong!