Pickup lines that work III

Continued from: Pickup lines that work II

• What’s the difference between a knife and a Ferrari? I don’t have Ferrari in my pocket. Get in the van.
• I’m like a Rubik’s Cube; the longer you play with me, the harder I get.
• It’s $20 for oral and $50 to fuck you in the ass, right?
• I don’t know if you’ll remember me, I was the guy lurking in the bushes watching you undress.
• If I ask you to have sex with me, will your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
• You might know me from tv; I’m pretty famous right now. (oh cool! what show?) To catch a predator.
• You know how I know we’ll be having sex later tonight? I’m bigger than you.
• I did a dump just before that was so big I was afraid it wouldn’t flush, I had to hold down the button for ages before it got sucked down, the toilet sounded like it was choking. My asshole still feels ragged from it and tingles a little.
• Hi can I buy you a drink? [Yeah, like that would ever work.]
• I lost my dog. Will you help me look for him? I think he ran into this cheap motel.
• Are you a single mom? (No) Do you wanna be?
• Does this drink taste like Rohypnol to you?
• I heard you like consensual sex in the missionary position?
• I’m an atheist. Care to be penetrated by my ironclad logic in your plot holes?

Good ideas that turned out bad II

Continued from: Good ideas that turned out bad

• Microwaving gummy bears. Felt too lazy to clean off the burnt-on melty crap, so I threw the plate away.
• Rice and ketchup sandwich with melted cheese.
• trying to smoke banana peels (bananadine)
• I was thirsty after brushing my teeth, so I grabbed some oj. Baaaad idea. Also, grapes after brushing teeth is just as bad.
• I like oatmeal. I like coffee. I figured, save time, make oatmeal with coffee instead of water. Um yeah. Never doing that again.
• No milk left. Mom had some diet shit in the fridge called “almond milk”. I figured it was safe. False. Not milk. Not even close.
• Walking the train tracks. More specifically, following the train tracks to the bridge where homeless people resided. A gang of hobos mugged me for my cigarettes and then proceeded to fight each other for said cigarettes. It was an interesting endeavor.
• Every time I pick my nose because it always bleeds, but I just can’t stop.
• Asking this girl Caitlyn out in 8th grade. She was hated by guys, she was a teacher’s pet, and she made perfect grades. Only thing is she was fat. I dunno what I was thinking. She would also call at least 10 times in 1 hour just to ask what I was doing.
• Bacon=win. Blizzards=win. Bacon blizzard=disgusting.
• ‘I can pull out! It will be fine’
• Coffee Popsicles. Shit was disgusting.
• Fucking my boss. [Note: Not at FunnyAssBlog; unfortunately.]
• My third time drinking; 6 shots of mixed drinks right after the other(my buddy raided his parents booze cabinet) and then 2 shots I don’t remember. I weighed 120lbs. And then weed. I ended up trying to convince my parents I had walked home despite the fact they drove me home.
• I like rum. I like ice cream. So I thought I could make a nice dessert cocktail by mixing them together, like a rum and ice cream float. Wrong!

Good ideas that turned out bad

We work with and know some “interesting” people. We were curious to hear some ideas people have tried that they thought were good, but turned out bad. We know that a few of you will read these and inevitably try some of them so don’t come crying to us and say we didn’t warn you.

• fapping with shampoo as lube
• protein shake pancakes (fucking gross)
• chocolate milk icecubes
• comb handle up vagoo (yeast infection)
• having sex with a friend
• melted cheese on popcorn
• mixed cheetos and cashews (seriously, you’ll throw up)
• trying to do a back flip
• BB GUN + WINDOW + 5PM = CRIMINAL RECORD (Who’d a thunk it?)
• Going on vacation and only bringing those adidas sandals (you know the ones with the little nubby things on them) with me. My feet hurt so fucking bad after like 2 days. I bought new shoes and threw those bitches out.
• Robbing that computer store. Can you say “FATAL ERROR” Hahahahahaha but seriously, I shot three people in the head.
• flavoring weed with vanilla extract
• trying to remove a smudge from my monitor with the sharp end of a knife
• deep fried macaroni and cheese triangles = chest pains
• Laid against a wall with my dick above my head; like, ass against the wall, jacked off onto my own face. It got in my chest hair and all over my chin and face. Regretted it IMMEDIATELY.

Considering the source, it’s not surprising we have more: Good ideas that turned out bad II

WTF Google Images?

Searching for pictures of a “chemistry set” I found this image in the second row of the first results page on Google Images. NOTE: The picture above will not show if SafeSearch is set to “Strict”.

Parental advice we didn’t believe

Here are some things our parents told us that we totally fought against but later found out they were right.

• Dating someone with bipolar disorder is a bad idea.
• Santa isn’t real.
• To not be such a spoiled little prick. I’m much better now.
• That school IS important, and that it’s important to treat your friends well.
• Girls are all the same.
• Things will be fine.
• You’ll like girls later.
• Your ass is pretty tight. haha just kidding. But seriously, it’s not anymore.
• Smoking is not a good idea.
• To wait until I’m out of high school to find someone.
• Wear a mother fucking sweater.
• 25+25=50 There was no way shit was that simple.
• Don’t date the hot blonde who spends your money, they said. That’s $1,500 a month she took from me for 4 months.
• Professional wrestling isn’t real.

Pickup lines that work II

Continued from: Pickup lines that work

• Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
• You must have fallen from heaven, because your face is like all fucked up.
• My new high-tech watch tells me you have no clothes on… oh, well, you have… it has to be one hour fast.
• Do you fuck strangers? (No) Well, allow me to introduce myself.
• Nice legs, but they would look better wrapped around my head.
• It puts the lotion on the skin.
• You must be an angel, because I have a huge erection.
• If I said you have a beautiful body, would you let me stick it in your pooper?
• Hi my name is pogo, wanna jump on my stick?
• I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boobies.
• Would you like to have sexual intercourse with me in the missionary position?
• GET IN THE FUCKING VAN!
• Nice legs. What time do they open?
• I lost a rag in my van. Get in there and find it.

And if those don’t work, we’ve got some more: Pickup lines that work III

Idiots in sports

Plaxico Burress

Plaxico, or “Plexiglass” as many adoring fans know him, began his illustrious career with the Pittsburgh Steelers. While it was a rocky start at first, it was only a few games before he showcased his impressive decision making skills. When the Steelers were playing the Jacksonville Jaguars, they had no choice but to play good ol’ Plax. In the fourth quarter, Plax made a catch, and went down to the ground untouched. So beside himself that he actually encompassed the skills to catch a ball, he immediately jumped up to spike the ball and celebrate. Now this isn’t uncommon, nor would anyone call you an idiot for doing this. However, only an idiot would do this before they were down. The Jaguars recovered the ball and gained possession.
Plax didn’t stop there. He decided to bring his one man band to a new team. Next stop NY with the Giants. While he did manage to contribute to Super Bowl win, he again became haunted by his uncontainable drive to celebrate. Apparently having some of the largest men in the NFL (if not the world) in your entourage is not enough protection for Plaxico. So Plax, strapped with his favorite unregistered firearm, headed out for a night at a NY club. As he’s having a good time ordering drinks and spiking them before he drinks them, his gun goes off, shooting him in the leg. Why? Because Plax is an idiot. I am sure we can all look forward to learning about how Plax celebrates when he’s in prison.

Adam “Pacman” Jones

I am sure by now you’re thinking that this man is an anomaly. How could an idiot be a product of WVU? While it is uncertain if WVU is the starting place of the best and brightest, one thing is for certain, Adam Pacman Jones is an idiot. Pacman decided to forego his senior year, and a degree, to join the NFL. To say the least, his first two years in the league were eventful. Despite many suspensions and attempts to turn Pacman into a decent person, the idiot in him rose out like flowers blooming in spring. In June of 2007, Pacman decided to make it rain. Who would have thought that throwing piles of hundred dollar bills in the air at a strip club would turn out bad? To no ones surprise, this stunt led to a shooting outside. Unfortunately for Pacman, this eventually led to the end of his career in the NFL. Although he did miss out on the big money of being a standout athlete in the NFL, at least he has that WVU degree to lean back on. Oh, wait…

Michael Vick

I am sure by now you’re seeing a trend. These guys are in sports. Another trend you might have noticed is that they’re undoubtedly idiots. So who is Michael Vick to disappoint? While he has had quite a career and shocked the NFL with his innate ability to scramble all over the field, he also has an innate ability to make bad decisions. In August of 2007, Vick plead guilty to charges regarding his interstate dog fighting ring. He was suspended from the NFL and sentenced to 23 months in prison. Most would think with his success so early in his career he must have a few million to rest on until he gets out of prison. In July of 2008 Vick filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.
Since then Vick has been released from prison. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has reinstated Vick. He was subsequently picked up by the Philadelphia Eagles. While at the moment it may look like things are turning around for Vick, history may be a good indicator that this man is in fact an idiot.

The Minnesota Vikings

The outlook for the 09-10 season for the Vikings looked promising … and then they signed their new QB. Apparently Minnesota didn’t have the NFL Sunday Ticket and managed to ignore Sports Center when they showed highlights of the Jets last year. The Vikings decided to sign Brett “grandpa football” Favre for one season. While he has had a very impressive career, and appears to be hall of fame bound, he might be a little bit past his prime. His last season with the Jets he apparently didn’t wear his prescription bifocals because he had some difficulty identifying his own players and/or throwing the ball in their general direction. While the future is yet to be known for Favre and the Vikings, we can definitely say that the decision makers for the Vikings are idiots (with much thinner wallets). However, this could turn out ok for the Vikings. They may not be holding the Lombardi trophy at the end of the year, but I am sure Favre can hook them all up with some sweet Wrangler Jeans.

Sup Losers

Sup losers! My name is Steve (that’s me in the middle), but everybody calls me Alphabet, cause I’m the Alpha male and you can BET on it! All of you low-lives are probably sittin out there somewhere laughing at me right now, 30-year-old virgins, parked in front of your computers all day, nothing to do but laugh at tastelessness on the internets, “fapping” to explicit material of underage girls, browsing gruesome “gore” images and so on, but if anyone of you wanna take on the Alphabet in real life, I’ll be more than happy to kick your sorry little asses by the dozens, bitches! Gotta go btw, I’m on my way to my super hot model girlfriend, who just begged me to come over to her place and fuck her all night long wit my huge dick, yeah, thats right, your dreams are my daily life!

Gwen Stefani – Hollaback Girl

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The lyrics in the clip are as follows:

A few times I’ve been around that track
So it’s not just gonna happen like that
Because I ain’t no hollaback girl
I ain’t no hollaback girl

So, you’re thinking to yourself, how the hell can you mess this one up? Well I didn’t. After admitting my lyrics of fail, a few of my friends decided to fess up to some of theirs. Here’s what one of my friends thought Gwen was saying:

A few times I’ve been around that track
So it’s not just gonna happen like that
Because I ain’t no Harlem black girl
I ain’t no Harlem black girl

Brings an entirely new meaning to the song. Needless to say, whenever I hear that song now I hear “ain’t no Harlem black girl.”

Gwen Stefani – Hollaback Girl (Full Song)

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Unless you really like her, then I apologize

Me: i gotta go shower
dinner date this evening
Michael: aim for the face
me: yeah, hopefully this girl will put out more than taylor didnt
Michael: most texas girls put out
it is safe to assume she is a easy
unless you really like her
then i apologize
me: haha. What, am i not allowed to like easy chicks?
she could have taken advantage of my drunk ass on sunday.
she didnt
Michael: thats not cool
well good luck
where are you going?
me: the only classy place i know
postino!
Michael: good move