I hate my job

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I’ll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with.

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks. I find it surprising that she has enough brain power to breath.

The next chick is the complete opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless yet she is here with us. However, on the attractiveness scale, she is a zero. I’m not sure she even showers, much less shaves her “womanly” parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I’m sure after work. He probably hasn’t been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he’s only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960′s, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

Why are white boys so angry at blacks?

They’re jealous!

Let’s see why Blacks are better:

1. They have awesome resistance to the sun.
2. They run so fast that even Cheetahs talk about how fast black people are.
3. They can all dunk. all of them; before they even learn to walk.
4. The US Government created Affirmative Action to ensure blacks would have a job because they are better at jobs.
5. The US Goverment created Welfare to ensure blacks could stay home and take care of 9 kids because they are better at kids.
6. They got rhythm. Each one can dance, rap, sing, make music, you name it!
7. They grow gold teeth. nuff said.
8. They commit more crimes. Everyone loves a badass.
9. Their national drink is Hennessy. And Hypnotic.
10. Blackface. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

I could go on and on, but you get the point by now. We all know that once we went black, we weren’t going back.

Don’t smoke Marijuana

FACTS ABOUT MARIJUANA:

90% of people who smoke marijuana are lazy.
85% of people who smoke marijuana don’t have jobs.
85% of people who smoke marijuana don’t believe in God!
70% of people who smoke marijuana descend into crime.

There are over 100,000 deaths each year due to marijuana usage.
There are also over 135,000 cases each year of people going either blind or deaf due to marijuana usage.
4/5 of all girls raped are girls that are using marijuana and couldn’t protect themselves.

So, idiots, are you gonna keep smoking marijuana after these FACTS?

Remember: Marijuana Ruins Lives

Best singer in the world

How long can you last?

Easy: 0:10

Medium: 0:30

Hard: 1:00

Legendary: 2:00

Master of the Universe: Whole Video

Why Baseball sucks

Just about everyone in the world knows what baseball is. Some have played, most have watched, and everyone knows how much it sucks. You couldn’t pay me to watch it. Ok, you could, but I wouldn’t enjoy it. There are several reasons why baseball is the worst sport ever:

1. No salary cap. While the highest payroll doesn’t guarantee a championship, it does guarantee that players like Alex “bitch tits” Rodriguez make entirely way too much money. No salary cap also eliminates any possible balance in the league. Don’t believe me? Look at the Pirates. They wouldn’t stand a chance in a series against any of the top teams. If they had any players who would give them a shot, they would undoubtedly trade them away for “prospects”. Baseball sucks.
2. The widespread use of steroids. Exhibit A: Bary Bonds:
   No explanation needed. You don’t go from being as skinny as Paris Hilton to bigger than Brock Lesner on Muscle Milk and Creatine. Baseball sucks.
   
   Exhibit B: Manny Ramirez:
   
   He obviously gets his haircut by the same barber as the predator. While this doesn’t prove he does roids, his recent conduct makes it pretty evident. While he didn’t admit to taking any performance enhancing drugs, he accepted a 52 game suspension for a banned substance used to cover up the use of steroids. That’s not too obvious; I can see why people aren’t convinced. Baseball sucks.
   
   Exhibit C: Alex Rodriguez:
   
   Bitch Tits.
3. Pete Rose being banned from the hall of fame. For what? Betting on the games? If you made me sit in the dugout full of spit blood and semen (I’m sure it’s there) for half my life I’d be doing much worse things than betting. I am sure he just said “I bet you $100 this game is going to be boring as fuck”. Pete Rose should not be punished for trying to bring excitement to an otherwise boring game. Baseball sucks.
4. The pace of the game. I remember being a kid in the outfield. I am surprised I didn’t kill myself. The highlight of my day wasn’t if/when a ball was hit to me, it was stepping on bees. I can’t imagine it gets any better when you’re a pro. The catcher fingers himself for 20 minutes until the pitcher approves, then the pitcher rolls the baseball around in his hand imagining it’s the catcher’s ball sack that he just fingered. Finally he throws the ball. If by chance the batter hits it, the odds of anything exciting happening are slim to none. Baseball is a slow shitty game. Baseball sucks.
5. Big “plays” of the game. You can’t make a spectacular catch in baseball. Either it’s in the glove or it’s not. There is an off chance someone will catch it bare handed, but that’s still not cool. One of the biggest “accomplishments” in baseball is a no-hitter. Thanks dick, you just eliminated any possible chance of this game being remotely entertaining. Baseball sucks.
6. Buster Olney: Who really enjoys this guy? Who cares if he knows a lot about baseball. What kind of name is Buster anyway? He is just biding his time until ESPN covers furry conventions. Why? Because baseball sucks.
   

I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis

• I don’t always masturbate, but when I do, I prefer the right hand.
• I don’t always eat, but when I do, I prefer food.
• I don’t always eat take out, but when I do, I prefer Taco Bell.
• I don’t always use gas, but when I do, I prefer propane.
• I don’t always wipe, but when I do, I prefer standing up.
• I don’t always prey on people, but when I do, I prefer the weak ones.
• I don’t always beat people, but when I do, I prefer my wife.
• I don’t always genocide, but when I do, I prefer gas chambers.
• I don’t always peep, but when I do, I prefer your sister’s window.
• I don’t always L, but when I do, I prefer MAO.
• I don’t always fap, but when I do, I prefer a trap.

Things you learned the hard way II

• Your true friends are the ones who stick by you both when you’re down and when you’re up. You might be stunned to find how many true friends you have and which ones they are.
• The most fascinating topic of conversation for 99% of the population is themselves.
• Don’t kiss anything while you’re drunk if you haven’t while you were sober.
• Your little sister may swear that she won’t tell mom about your special kind of love that you and she share, but it will slip out at the most inopportune moment. Like thanksgiving dinner.
• The last one probably applies to some people. Sick. Or is it?
• Little boys always tell.
• Ok, now it’s just getting weird.
• When you’re burying a body, try to leave the ground looking undisturbed.
• Jesus, these aren’t lessons people need to learn.
• Having sex with a young lady of questionable moral fiber without use of a condom can result in catching a sexually transmitted disease, such as Gonorrhea.
• Ok, that’s better.
• Don’t think police dogs can’t smell your weed because they are basically ninjas. Don’t stick your pills in the same bag as your weed because the hairy ninjas will find them.
• When you’re with people who are doing dangerous things that if caught the repercussions will be minimal, fucking do it.
• Get laid early, take condoms everywhere.
• Self appearance is everything; grow your hair then get it styled, wear cool clothes and get rid of those fucking spots.
• Buy some running shoes and run for a few minutes every night after dark until you can run for a long time. It’s easy and gets you fit.
• Get off the internet and get friends. Go out at every opportunity and stay in and masturbate during the winter.
• Regarding the man in the van who offers you candy? Don’t take it.

Remember to BREATHE

I don’t know what the fuck this is, but I laughed a lot. There are so many things wrong, and awesome, with this video I can’t even begin to write them. You’ll just have to watch.

Hippie Weirdo Yoga Farmer – Watch more Funny Videos

Things you learned the hard way

• Don’t eat yellow snow.
• Don’t love, at all.
• Moustaches are cool. Neck beards are not.
• Never care too much for one person
• Automatic transmissions suck the life out of driving.
• You know that cute nerdy girl you like? The one which may, just may, not be as petty or materialistic as all of the other girls? Yeah, she’s a dumb whore too.
• Some things cannot be unseen.
• Most people are pretty stupid and closed minded.
• Most girls who you think no other guy likes, yeah all the dudes are eying her as well.
• When they say they love you, think of all the people before you they said that to.
• Every movie or tv show you ever watched where in the end the nerdy fat kids in high school gets a girlfriend or a date to the prom or whatever because she realizes he’s nice and sweet is a load of fucking shit.
• Your friends always talk shit behind your back. What? You think you’re the only one that does it?
• There is ALWAYS a catch.
• Perception is pretty much everything.
• No one will ever love you as much as you can love yourself. Your best friend is just behind the mirror.
• Everyone is looking to take money from you. Some are just better at getting you to hand it over willingly.
• Girls cannot be understood. There is no secret formula, or special method to understand them. As soon as you think you have it understood, they will do something incomprehensible just to get things back to the maddening status quo that they like.

Things people do and think nobody else does

• I imagine having conversations with people I know in my head. The majority of the time this is how my thought process works.
• I chew my toenail clippings.
• I can’t drink a bottle of water if there is condensed water on the inside of the bottle. I have to wash it away with the remaining contents of the bottle before I take a drink.
• I talk shit in my head about anyone I see until I start getting paranoid that one of them might be hear my thoughts. Then I start to test them by asking them to come and talk to me.
• When eating grapes or popcorn I have to eat two at the same time, one for each side of my mouth.
• When chewing gum, I sometimes split the piece in two and chew with both sides of my mouth.
• I carry on conversations with myself in my head. Sometimes the conversations are in student/teacher roles as if I’m instructing or informing myself of something I already know how to do.
• I automatically feel I’m being challenged by any car that drives up next to me.
• I can’t smoke just one cigarette in one sitting; I have to have two.
• I walk around the house with no final destination while I brush my teeth.
• I pick my feet and eat the skin. Actually that also goes for scabbed, sun burnt, or blistered skin.
• I use my hands to blow my nose in the shower.
• I like to pretend I have telekinesis whenever I encounter an automatic door. It makes me feel like a superhero.
• When I walk up stairs in front of people I skip steps imagining them having difficulties to keep pace.
• I can’t take a satisfying shit without reading something. I’d really read anything; like the back of liquid soap bottles.
• As soon as I step into a ANY bathroom with a shower curtain, I pull it back to make sure the tub/shower is empty.
• Before going to bed every night I check my alarm clock/phone several times to make sure I got the time right.
• Sometimes I think that I might really be retarded and people are only nice to me because I’m retarded.
• If I’m alone and go for a piss, I moan until the piss is about to come out and then I’m all like ‘oh yeah’ as if I’m cumming.
• I pee in bottles because I’m too fucking lazy to leave my pc and walk the 5 feet to the bathroom.
• Sometimes I freak the fuck out thinking about the fact that right this very second somebody somewhere is getting fucked, getting murdered, getting married, getting divorced, getting paid, getting high, etc.
• I constantly think about my exes and if they are happy without me or if they are thinking about me and if we could ever be together again.
• Have sex with my significant other. I don’t think anyone else is, anyway. :)