Penis Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

• I perform physical labor.
• I work at great depths.
• I am always using my head first.
• I do not get regular days off, weekends off, or public holidays.
• I work in a damp & acidic environment.
• I don’t get paid overtime or shift penalties.
• I work in a dark workplace with poor ventilation.
• I work in high temperatures.
• My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Response from Human Resources

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

• You do not work 8 hours straight.
• You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
• You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
• You do not stay in your assigned position and often visit other areas.
• You take a lot of unscheduled breaks.
• You do not take initiative. You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
• You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
• You don’t always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits.
• You don’t like working double shifts.
• You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed your work.
• And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!